Husband changing mind about DD left at home

[Gymmum82]

Dd is 11 and in year 6. She has been walking home from school alone since the start of year 5. Initially to someone at home working. Then alone for about 30 mins until one of us came home from work. We’re now up to about 1.5 hours before someone is home. She is a mature, sensible child. Nothing has gone wrong so far.

Since this started she’s been left at home while we popped to the shops, taken younger children to clubs etc. Never for more than an hour or so.

Anyway on Tuesday she forgot her key, she went home with another parent and my younger daughter after school rather than walking home, no drama. She could always have gone to the after school club if that hadn’t have been an option.
After work I picked them both up and went home, younger child has a club so quick turnaround to get back out. I passed husband leaving our home as we got back (he was going to the supermarket) I dropped dd11 at home and left again with younger dd to go to club and passed husband again heading home, pulled over and asked if he was ok and he said he was going back to get DD11. Thought it was odd but carried on my way.

On to today. He’s taken dd9 out to another club. I said I was nipping to the shop, he asked if I was taking dd11. I asked her, she said no, so I said no. He suddenly out of nowhere starts ranting about how she shouldn’t be left alone and we must take her with us whenever we’re going out. I pointed out she’s alone every day after school, he said that’s because we have no other choice, I said we clearly do she can go to after school club. He didn’t reply.
I also pointed out that in 5 months time she will have to get herself to and from high school by herself 2 miles away on foot. She won’t have wrap around and she is old enough to have some independence.
He disagrees and continued to rant about how it’s neglectful parenting and she should never be left alone if there is any other choice.

So AIBU here? Or has he lost his mind?

I take it you don't or haven't had children this age??

So you think it's just fine that he kicks off at the OP for doing what they've been doing, instead of having an adult conversation about how he feels??

I think it's totally normal to have "the fear".

But as a parent, you just have to get over it, to an extent. You have to let them grow and become independent even though it's bloody scary.

I think she's either responsible enough to be at home alone for short periods or she's not. He can't have it both ways because it suits him. I honestly don't see an issue. Where I live in year 7 kids travel to school independently they walk or travel on buses, tubes or even trains. It's part of growing up and becoming independent. I just see this as preparing her for independence. I think i would probably put her in after school club as its avaliable but I think the trips to the shops ect are fine.

I do. It’s painful for me. But I do let her. I just sit pretty much glued to Life360 the whole time 🙄

Good grief.

Seriously, it's no wonder that this generation of kids and teens are so anxious, and some parents so wound up about giving their children independence.

These tracking things are actually detrimental to mental health, I'm sure. My kids used to walk to school and to the shops without even dumb phones, and were encouraged to from mid to late primary age, as were their friends. I and their friends' mums were not sitting home trembling with fear. We trusted them.

Can someone please bring back the '90s?

Well it would be nice to be as cool and laid back as you. What’s your secret?

Maybe it would be worth getting some kind of therapy? I don't mean that in a patronising way - I have anxiety myself and find therapy incredibly helpful. It's made me feel a million times better and has helped me learn lots of coping methods.

You can't spend the next decade glued to your phone every time she goes out. It's not healthy for either of you.

To be honest she is a very young 10 and I think my anxiety is rooted in the fact that I don’t really believe she’s ready to be out and about on her own.

But I get a lot of pressure. Particularly from other parents who let their kids out and keep saying things to me like “when she’s in secondary school blah blah” and they’re right but i am terrified

Also it’s not her I don’t trust. She’s amazing. I don’t trust other people. I don’t trust the men who drive through our estate at 50mph, for example.

Being born at the right time?

My point was simply that the more we expect to be able to contact each other and track each each other, the more anxious we seem to be getting.

It's not a 'me' thing, it's a generational thing. Parents in general were more chilled about their children being independent, back when we simply couldn't be certain where they were. My parents generation even more so.

I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but it's clearly the case.

I think they just knew less about the shit that goes on.

I’m anxious in part because I know the bad or dodgy shit that went on when I was 10. Older kids pushing you around or men shouting crap out of cars etc. I don’t want my daughter exposed to the same stuff. I know that she needs to be to learn how to cope with it. But my instinct is to just hide her away I guess

Im 44 with a 12 year old and so I was 12 in the 90s and am raising a 12 year child today. I obviously survived my childhood but absolutely had many, many times I would have really appreciated a way out of a situation or ended up somewhere I shouldn’t. I am grateful for modern technology that means my kids have the ability to reach out on demand. My mom was anxious whenever I was out on my own and would have loved me to have a smart watch or a phone or anything really.

of course I think it’s important to learn resilience - my daughter goes out with her friends and makes decisions and figures out buses and budgets how to spend her pocket money… and sometimes makes mistakes along the way. That’s important. But it’s also such a wonderful thing that she can message me when she does get in over her head and I can help. It’s absolutely made me a more relaxed parent and has made my anxious daughter braver too.

Is there a friend you could drop her off with from September to walk together? I agree re popping to shop etc 11 years old is fine but 1.5 hours after school everyday seems a lot. However she does need to prepare for high school and the time things went wrong she managed it.

ifspeak to your dh and ask why he has changed his mind.

I think we all have that fear to a certain extent, you just have to remember that statistically they’re very unlikely to be run over or harmed. And you lessen the risks - being out in busy areas in daylight, fine. Walking home alone through woodland at 10pm in the winter? Not so fine.
You absolutely do need to let go, especially once they hit their early teens. They’re the years where you need to step back and give them the confidence and independence to become an adult.

I imagine she'll find friends to walk to and from school with when she goes to secondary. I used to walk an hour to and from in all weathers and it was arguably more dangerous in the 90s cos none of us had phones... I'm still alive. You can't cocoon children forever.

My daughter walked about 2.5 miles from year 7 and yes she did it in the rain and in winter, there was no other choice. She never had any issues, people aren't being realistic if they think you can just quit your job or whatever.

Although I would have found this difficult with my own children, both now 20 & 17, I do wish that I had allowed them to gain more independence. Up until recently I ferried my 17 year old to college 3 times per week and even in her final year at school, I took her most days and picked her up, even though she could of caught the train one stop! I feel slightly embarrassed because at times I run myself ragged because I knew my daughter would have been late most days! OP your daughter is going to be very independent and this will set her up well for the future, when it comes to working etc. I did not do that for my daughter and the result is that up until recently I basically managed her life, she is getting so much better after her ADHD diagnosis but I realise now that I did not help her to manage certain aspects of her life independently. Sometimes threads like this make you realise where you went wrong. I was lucky that I could work part-time and be there for drop off and picks up but I wonder what my daughter would have been like had I not had this option. I think you are doing the very best you can and I feel people should be a little less judgmental.

YABU your child is too young to be left alone, whether “you have to” or you choose to. Y7 is the age to start leaving them alone based on their maturity level.

What is actually unreasonable is a four mile round trip on foot for a child from age eleven years, on a daily basis, for approx. 7 years. This sounds like a scenario from the 19th century. You'll need to rethink this.

2 miles to school on foot? By herself in September?? That's more of a concern to me

How do you know it’s normal for the ‘vast majority’? Have you done a nationwide survey?

I’m not saying it’s terrible and she definitely shouldn’t be made to do it, but saying it’s ‘normal’ is categorically wrong. I know no year 7s that do this and I have many friends with teenagers and have been teaching for over 20 years.

It probably depends massively on where you live in the country and how lucky you are to live near to a secondary school but I honestly believe students nowadays that would have to do this journey each day are in the minority.

Around half the children at my DC's school must live in the 19th century then.

What's unreasonable is that so many people have forgotten how to walk.

I think you're romanticising the 19th century if you think this is comparable to the reality of kids lives back then.

I also do think, OP, that you have possibly underestimated the transition to secondary.

It’s a HUGE leap in terms of how overwhelming it is, how many more things there are to remember and how much more tired year 7s are when they first start.

To not be there for her, at least for the first half term, seems really harsh. It’s going to be a massive adjustment for her. Is she going to have friends to walk with? Don’t you want someone to be there when she gets home on her first day?

I realise it may be really difficult to make work adjustments but can’t you at least get her settled in slightly before leaving her to her own devices? I really think her knowing someone will be home when she gets back from her first days at secondary school will help her settle much quicker.

On another note, do you have lots of parental controls on her phone? It’s all very well saying she’s perfectly safe at home but do you know what she’s watching and accessing while at home alone?

Nobody's forgotten how to walk, but I reiterate that the expectation that a child should have to undertake a four mile walk in all weathers, alone, on a daily basis for the foreseeable, is abusive.