Husband changing mind about DD left at home

[Gymmum82]

Dd is 11 and in year 6. She has been walking home from school alone since the start of year 5. Initially to someone at home working. Then alone for about 30 mins until one of us came home from work. We’re now up to about 1.5 hours before someone is home. She is a mature, sensible child. Nothing has gone wrong so far.

Since this started she’s been left at home while we popped to the shops, taken younger children to clubs etc. Never for more than an hour or so.

Anyway on Tuesday she forgot her key, she went home with another parent and my younger daughter after school rather than walking home, no drama. She could always have gone to the after school club if that hadn’t have been an option.
After work I picked them both up and went home, younger child has a club so quick turnaround to get back out. I passed husband leaving our home as we got back (he was going to the supermarket) I dropped dd11 at home and left again with younger dd to go to club and passed husband again heading home, pulled over and asked if he was ok and he said he was going back to get DD11. Thought it was odd but carried on my way.

On to today. He’s taken dd9 out to another club. I said I was nipping to the shop, he asked if I was taking dd11. I asked her, she said no, so I said no. He suddenly out of nowhere starts ranting about how she shouldn’t be left alone and we must take her with us whenever we’re going out. I pointed out she’s alone every day after school, he said that’s because we have no other choice, I said we clearly do she can go to after school club. He didn’t reply.
I also pointed out that in 5 months time she will have to get herself to and from high school by herself 2 miles away on foot. She won’t have wrap around and she is old enough to have some independence.
He disagrees and continued to rant about how it’s neglectful parenting and she should never be left alone if there is any other choice.

So AIBU here? Or has he lost his mind?

Round here children are routinely walking/cycling 2 miles to school from age 4.
In all weathers.

And on their own without an adult from Year 5 (age 9).

I can only assume some people live in seriously dodgy areas that they think this is a huge deal for a secondary school child. Or have schools on their doorstep so that they can't imagine having to go further. 2 miles from secondary school is not a huge distance, and not everyone has a parent with a car available to drive both ways every day.

All the posters talking about a 2 mile walk as being unacceptable…really? It’s not that far and kids need exercise. DS is in year 9 now but ever since the start of secondary it would have been mega-cringe to have been seen with a parent, being dropped off. I’d say 90% of him and his friends all went to school by themselves from the start of secondary and the ones that didn’t lived really far away. It’s completely normal. This is in London, and they’d be walking, cycling or taking a bus.

Honestly, that just sounds like making kids do stuff for the sake of it, rather than because it has any actual benefit to them.

Umbrella in a plastic bag or waterproof coat that rolls up small (in a plastic bag).

Do you seriously think every secondary child school is driven to school in the rain?

Secondary school will assume your child to be capable and independent. Once they reach Year 7 here they can be sent home on the bus if heavy snow is forecast (we live very rurally), the buses will drop them at the usual point and they are expected to get home under their own steam, in the depths of winter and usually during a snowstorm! The school won't assume someone is home, the buses stop running if the snow gets too bad and therefore will do the 'school run' maybe mid morning or early afternoon. Nobody will cosset the child or ask if they can get home, or what their plans are if their parents aren't in - it's assumed that the child can manage.

And I'm mid sixties and used to walk a mile and half to primary school by myself or escorting my younger brother from the age of 10. We'd meet groups of friends all the way, by the time we arrived there would be about twenty of us! So child walks self to school, is left alone for a while is nothing new. Children, especially if sensible and capable, are fine.

The stuff I read on MN is eye opening and seems to be getting worse.

Most secondary school pupils get themselves to school, from year 7. Their parents might drop them off the first day or week then it's usually down to them to get themselves there. It's normal. And it's normal for them to get themselves home, with friends, via the chippy or the sweet shop, to an empty house and entertain themselves for an hour or two.

What else are working parents meant to do?

Not doing them any favours wrapping them up in cotton wool. I had to get two buses on my own to my secondary, it was miles away.

A two mile walk shouldn't phase the average 11 year old!

When my kids started secondary it was a 35 minute walk from door to door. Straightforward route, through housing estates, main roads all have lollipop ladies/men, no bus route going that particular way. I would drop off as near as possible in horrific weather, but otherwise they walked. I would say most kids did/do, but with the amount of police presence around the school lately due to dangerous parking by parents, obviously not.

Ha! I can remember offering a lift to school once, and being turned down! I thought it was because she didn't want to miss out on chatting with her friends, but it was probably because it'd have been cringe!

I don’t have a suggestion, but be parents I imagine. You choose to have a child you adapt however you need to. They’re not slaves are they, change is possible.

@RedSkyDelights I was just stating a fact! When I was at school (in the Middle Ages!) many students had lockers, doesn’t seem to be the case nowadays. Which might partly explain some kids aversion to wearing coats.

I am perfectly aware that children walk to school. Where I live it rains a lot. I see many children walking to school in said rain without a coat.

The lightweight waterproof coat DS had rolled up at the bottom of his school bag never saw the light of day! Although he did get the school bus so didn’t have far to walk

Are you on the wrong thread?

@ByPearlSnail

but she already is being a parent. So I guess you’re wrong

Just catching up. For context all the children who live nearby walk to the high school. I used to see them walking or cycling in all weathers when I worked part time. Dd and I have done the walk a couple of times already to practice. It takes around 45 minutes. We will cycle it a few times too in the coming months.
We are one of the farthest away from the school, despite it being our closest we’re on the outskirts of town, I imagine dd will walk 15 minutes alone to meet her friends then walk together the rest of the way.
There is one boy in the next street who will be in her year but I very much doubt she will want to walk with him.

It’s good to hear others perspectives, though I do disagree that she is too young to be left alone and that 2 miles is too far to walk. The other kids seem to manage it ok so I’m sure she will manage just fine

I'm more concerned with the 30-45 minutes where she's walking alone in all weathers and the dark.
She'll be 11 years old and imho, very vulnerable during that time.
Bad decisions could be made if someone stops to offer her a lift.

My own opinion is eleven is too young to be left alone for 1.5hrs. My year 7 secondary school child is so different to his year 6 primary school self. I’m happy for him to spend short periods of time alone but 1.5 hours really would be a max

I think an 11 year old being left alone so much plus the long walk too and from school is shit parenting, I’m entitled to my view. So I think you are wrong.
I walked 6 miles a day to and from school as a teenager, I can say the romanticised view many posters have of this kind of walk
everyday is utter rubbish, it’s boring, relentless, cold, and I would often have wet shoes and clothes all day if it had been raining.

I think your Dh has gone about this in a really dickish way OP.

If he's having a wobble, or something has happened to make him anxious then he should have had a conversation with you and said I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable about leaving dd.

Suddenly changing his mind about leaving her and having a go at you is ridiculous, childish behaviour.

My dd has her birthday very end of August, so was younger than your daughter is now when the council deemed her old enough at the beginning of year 7 to walk 2 miles to school (bus only provided if over that distance) and old enough to be home alone at the end of the day (as no childcare I know of will cover that - a childminder might but it's not usual). I think your approach is perfectly acceptable, as your child is comfortable with it and you are happy she is sensible.

Agreed. I had a bloody hellish walk and bus journey to secondary. Hated every moment of it, then home to an empty house for hours. Zero fun. Lonely.

I don’t think anyone is romanticising it, just saying it’s perfectly normal and not something to get worked up about.

This update makes a huge difference. I think a lot of us imagined your DD walking 2 miles on her own. Walking with friends is so much better! She's obviously safer, and the time will pass quickly. I'd there's the odd day she has to walk completely on her own it sounds like there's probably other kids around anyway.

Am super confused by the concern about a 2 mile walk for distance reasons. Obviously not all two miles are the same so if it was a super busy / dark / dangerous route than I suppose the parents would make some sort of accommodation but if it's a normal walk then that's totally appropriate for a high school child to manage.

(I suppose if I was worried about it, and I drove to work, I'd look at dropping my child at someone's house closer to the school and they could walk in together, but a 15 minute walk on your own seems super manageable!)

We live in Scotland and my kids have walked just over a mile to school pretty much every day since P1. My daughter started walking with friends in P6 (so around 10) and my son is actually about to start walking home with a friend now in P4 as I seem to always let my younger child do things 2 years before my older child. His friend is a year older and they're sensible kids with phone watches to call us, they know loads of people along the way and they've both walked this every day for years now. My kids are super fit and can run circles around me so can walk to school in about 15 minutes.

Staying alone... my daughter is 12 but has anxiety so it's been a long road to get her to feel comfortable home alone. We are inching up to leaving her for a little bit when we take her brother to clubs or pop out for milk etc but she won't be left if it's dark out (and again - in Scotland so it's often dark out!) but I think this is a problem and we are actively working on it. If she was happy to be left I'd see no issue leaving her in these scenarios, I just wouldn't want her on screens on her own too much so would likely be giving her chores to do or expecting her to practice flute or ballet etc.

Well, DHs parents made all three of their boys do it, and neither me nor my sisters in law have ever felt the need to complain that we do everything with regards the running of the household.

Read the many threads on here from women run ragged doing everything and the responses from many other women saying the same and that their DHs mum did everything for the family without expecting them to join in. And the posters piling on that kids should be taught from a young age to pitch in.

Can't have it both ways. Either they're involved in the household or they're allowed to opt out cos it's boring for them and easier for parents.

This thread is MN batshittery at its finest. A couple of weeks ago I left 13 and 10 year old alone to get themselves ready for school as both DH and I had work things we simply couldn't change. We left just after 7. The DC were fine.

The screeching about the child being left alone. The two miles. I mean, I wouldn't WANT to walk 2 miles to school every day, but it's not a crisis. And she might find herself riding her bike instead.

And as I live opposite a high school, I feel confident that she'll be mostly walking with buddies a lot of the time. I never see children alone.

DD and I are off in a few weeks to look at what is likely to be either her first or second choice high school. She will have to either catch 2 busses to get there or a bus from our house into town and then about a mile walk from there which is the option I suspect she'll take if she goes to that school. It hasn't even occurred to me that it's an issue except that she'll be having to leave home much earlier than her brother who is at the school across the road and I KNOW that's going to annoy her!

We had worked up, similar to you, with dd getting herself home and looking after herself at age 10.75 Which was lucky as, when she was 11.25, there was a bullying issue in the school afterschool that school did not manage properly (the instigator being a child of the person running the club) so dd had to leave. She accepted going to another afterschool 2 days/week but as they collected straight at end of class time, she had to drop 2 afterschool activity clubs (sports). She still went to 1 because we already had a carpool arrangement between 3 parents to manage that as it was held in a different school for a pitch. And I got thick with the principal and told her dd was coming home 2 afternoons a week (after her other sport and religious instruction). She wasn’t going to miss out on everything just because she wasn’t doing her job and I as the parent was taking responsibility. She already had a phone in line with school policy (P5/P6 equivalents allowed to have phones but annual form to principal and phones left on teachers desk all day, only for getting to/from school). So dd went from having 15 minutes alone to 2 hours alone.

she was already comfortable letting herself in and doing some cooking anyway. She knew I was happy for her to use the kettle, grill or oven, but not the hob as that’s gas (others electric). She had to ring me when she got home, from the house phone (so I knew she was home). She knew the 3 people who were always home on the street to go to if there were any problems - and who had spare keys to our house. And she did go to one the day she forgot her key. And she knew snack and homework came first before relaxing (tv, Nintendo etc). And she was very good about that as she really didn’t want to lose her clubs or have to do 4 days in the new afterschool. For P6 equivalent, started at 11.75, she still did the carpool for hockey, but went back to 4 activities in school a week and took herself home every afternoon at either 3:30, 3:45 or 4.30 (depending on the activity) and I would get in at about 6.

she loved the freedom. She taught her classmates in 1st year how to use the bus to get to the our version of Westfield on a Friday when school finished early. She was not afraid to ring if anything concerned her, but she also figured out how to solve problems and occasionally even (if asked) draped clothes haphazardly over the aired to dry (it got them started…) or tidied her dishes.

you work up in stages, but part of your responsibility as a parent is to teach your child how to make their own way in the world and fly the nest successfully in due course.

dd is currently studying in a European city, regularly hops on a train to me in a different capital or a plane to her dad back home ( on temporary 4 year post). In fact, this week she came to me with 1 big bag of gear, to collect her racing bike and flew home from my city. I flew later in the week and carried her gear. She’s gone to Scotland today to participate in a team cycling event on the national senior team. And she’s back on Sunday to train with the national U21s for hockey, before going back to her city on the red eye Monday morning with her hockey gear - to go to College all day and to hockey training until 11pm. So I am ALL FOR giving independence and teaching DCs how to be comfortable looking after themselves.