In a relationship with a man who can’t cook AT ALL

[Packse]

I am really enjoying a year long relationship. We get on great, he’s attractive, kind and relatively successful. But he cannot cook in the slightest. It’s actually such a turn off. We are both 30 yo.

For dinner he will make ramen or pasta with ketchup 🤢. Not even a jar of tomato sauce with a grating of Parmesan. He boils eggs as he can’t even scramble them. We’ve been talking about kids/marriage. And tbh I would be hugely resentful if I had to cook every meal. I am a very competent cook and it’s definitely a love language of mine. Sitting on the sofa with a glass of wine whilst someone cooks you a delicious meal is my idea of heaven

He’s pretty great in every other way. But I don’t want to teach anyone basic life skills. And I don’t see him taking the initiative.

Is it a no go? Or just a compromise I have to make.

You don't need to carry out home repair or car maintenance at least 3 times a day though. It's completely different.

It's just like having a shower or cleaning your teeth, it's basic and what most people do every day.

It’s so hard to do- but literally you need to tell him. It is as unsexy as fonk that he doesn’t cook. It’s also not a safe secure life partner for any children and You - he’s deffo NOT giving you the natural make a nest syndrome.
If he can change - great. He does it for at least 12 months before you have a child!
But I honestly think you have another partner for you - one who will cook and be sexy and cool. Don’t settle too soon. A glass of wine whilst cooking is amazing

well yeah, it's this more than 'can't' cook.
because as you pointed out, literally everyone could open a jar of pasta sauce or put a potato in the oven if they wanted to

tbh I don't see the issue at the moment while it affects him. Some people just aren't foodies, if that's the case then it's fair enough that he's not wasting his time doing something that doesn't bring him pleasure. He's able to feed himself adequately enough - scambled egg isn't nutitionally superior to boiled eggs, in fact it's usually worse.

Just because your 'love language' is cooking doesn't mean his is. How would you feel if you were dating someone who was really practical, and whose 'love language' was making things for people, who judged you because you can't build a wall? Or someone who was very creative who dumped you because you wouldn't write them a poem? Or someone who was really into keeping fit who judged you because you can't run 5k?
All of those are "easy" if you know how to do them and are interested in/ejoy doing them!

It would only be an issue when/if you came to having kids. I think it would be fair enough to raise that with him and say if he's also serious about the relationship then you expect him to learn sufficient basic skills to be able to feed your prospective children easy nutritional meals. But to judge him because he doesn't 'express his love' in a way YOU feel is appropriate is a bit off.

dont move in. If he can read he can cook. The Jamie Oliver ministry of food book is quite good for beginners, or recipetineats blog. My husband was shit at cooking and made no effort, I said you can’t be a good dad if you can’t make your kids a healthy decent meal. I told him to use recipes until he’s a good cook. You need to tell your partner it’s a deal breaker as you don’t want to live with someone who won’t cook for you and you can’t possibly have children with someone who doesnt have the basic life skills to turn food into a yum healthy meal since you’re not a good dad if you can’t feed your kids. Say you’re happy to help and offer advice but if he’s not working to learn how to produce a range of simple healthy yum meals this isn’t going anywhere.

It’s not just kids. What if she’s sick or super busy - he’s not a partner then if he can’t do the cooking. Everyone wants a break from chores, she never gets a break from cooking with him if she wants a decent meal. Water food and shelter are essentials for human existence and he’s not going to take on a partner role for one of the two of those that you need to work at (in the first world - plenty of people need to work for water)

And the 5k run is a good example- I feel that’s a good basic fitness level and I’m not compatible as a life partner with anyone who thinks it’s completely unnecessary. Injury and illness sure, but those aside dh and I teach our kids that healthy young people and adults run 5k for fun all the time.

Oh god that is pretty bad. My OH is a bad cook but he can make pasta and sauce and a few over things. I do most of the cooking, which I don’t mind as my husband always cleans the kitchen afterwards and I would much rather cook than clean. On the occasions he cooks, he still has to clean the kitchen as he is so much faster at it than me!

DO NOT move in together until he has learned to cook and actually starts to enjoy it. If this does not happen - then you are not compatible and you should end things. Otherwise you will be default household cook.

My first husband couldn't cook, couldn't even make beans on fucking toast. All cooking (AND ALL HOUSEWORK, GARDENING, SHOPPING), was left to me to do, despite me working longer hours than him. Anyway, it was draining, especially when he got angry if I hadn't given him a large enough dinner portion.

After we separated, he asked me to come visit him in his new place, he took great pride at telling me he'd learned to cook - showing me the jars of Uncle Ben's sauces in the cupboard 😂 Not exactly my idea of 'cooking', but nevertheless, I was more baffled that he never made any effort whatsoever when we were together.

no go

I feel like he doesn't really care about food. Adding a good quality jarred sauce is no harder than adding ketchup but it seems like he prefers the ketchup.

My DH doesn't cook. We have been together for 36 years. It has never bothered me because I like cooking and he has always worked longer hours than me.

It worries me if anything were to happen to me he wouldn't look after himself and would live on fish and chips and pork pies. He says it wouldn't matter and he wouldn't want to be here for long without me.

He enjoys good food but he didn't grow up with good food. His mother detests cooking and fed them packet food and food that was boring. If they had a roast it was with boiled potatoes and bisto. My SILs don't cook much either and one has grown up children. They simply didn't learn the skills or have an example of hospitality.

I used to eat to live.....plus takeaways, or easy oven/convenience food for the kids if I needed to cook for them. I had a high stressed job, and my husband was generally the much appreciated 'cook'. I'm now retired and we do a weekly cookery night. He teaches me the basic stuff, and I choose and follow a recipe. I can now cook a range of things from scratch. I now have a greater appreciation of good food and how simple it can be. But I couldn't have been that person when younger. It wasn't laziness, it was just that it wasn't a thing that mattered to me, plus fear that I wasn't good enough and no basic knowledge at all (plus being brought up with terrible food and no role model). I'm lucky that between us we got by. If it's a deal breaker for you, so be it. But you can't force it on him if he's not ready to learn. But maybe suggest a weekly cookery night where you do stuff together. It worked for me!

If he can read and has 2 functioning hands, he CAN cook.
He simply WON'T cook.

My wife had no real inclination to cook - beyond something and chips from the freezer for the kids. We now really enjoy cooking together, a weekly ‘cookery night’ where she chooses a dish, I help her through the recipe and act as Sous chef and together we drink (probably too much) and enjoy the food. She is now very happy and capable to cook some lovely dishes from scratch - but it is cooking together that is the real joy.

I think it depends. Is he going to do washing, cleaning, shopping etc instead? If there was a división of labour I would be ok.

I've got one of these too, just orders fackin takeaway all the time.
But can cook eggs, scrambled and boiled.

How hard is it season some chicken thighs, potatoes and sautee some greens? I did this when I was 12.

I think people who have been taught to cook from childhood or watched parents cook tend to under-estimate how daunting it can be to learn to cook from zero.

So
season some chicken thighs- which seasonings, how much of each, what do you do with the seasonings…skin on or off? What do I cook the thighs in? Pan, oven dish, pot? Do I boil? Bake? Fry? Anything else needed? How long and at what temperature?

potatoes- are we going for baked, mash, boiled or what? Do I peel or not? Do they get cut up or not, and if so how big of pieces do I cut them? Cubes or slices? Do they need to be the same size cubes or slices? How am I cooking them? How long?

sautee some greens- do I cut these up? And what size?? And with what butter, oil? Any seasoning? High heat or low? Lid on the pan or open? How long?

Most recipees don’t tell you the bare basics either. They assume a base level of cooking skill. It sounds like your partner is starting at zero.

I would offer to teach him. He has said he would love to learn. I know you don’t want to teach anyone a basic life skill, but maybe he is worth it.

Foolproof is an interesting concept. As CanadianJohn has said, there is a lot of implicit knowledge required to follow a recipe.

My husband's first wife once told me that she gave him a basic recipe and left him to it. She came back to find he had chopped the onion without peeling it. Not because he was stupid (he really isn't) or because he was deliberately sabotaging (he is very straightforward) but because he really didn't care and he was perfectly happy eating it that way.

She gave up expecting him to cook. I always thought that if she had failed, I had no chance.

He had hummus on toast and a glass of Huel tonight. He was entirely happy with that.

I can sort of understand people who say they can’t cook, but I wouldn’t marry one of them. I had little interest in food as a teenager, it was only when I left home for uni that I realised a diet of yogurt chips and cider probably wasn’t going to cut it. I went home one weekend and told my mum I wanted to learn how to cook that weekend.😁 She showed me how to make a roast chicken dinner, and how to make mince into spaghetti bol and chilli. That was enough to do me for a few years, but after I moved to London for my first job I bought myself a copy of Delia’s cookery course and never looked back. I made sure to teach my son to cook (and clean), and my husband is also a good cook. Food is essential and also one of life’s pleasures, I would not be compatible with someone who ate pasta and ketchup regularly.

There are two compounding but different things here - you wanting a romantic partner who shares your priorities and preferences around "real cooking" and food, and the practical implications of what raising children or forming a partnership with someone who will not share in this daily household task.

The first thing is a valid preference and a compatibility issue. You see cooking as a part of a life well lived and want someone to share in this thing that brings you joy, and he does not. Neither of you are wrong, but you'll have to decide if it's a compatibility deal breaker.

But providing meals as a parent is not a fun hobby or a preference. It's a significant daily responsibility that takes time, planning, and work. No, I would not consider having children with someone who showed zero sign that they will contribute to this any more than I would a man who said "I don't do housework" or vowed to never change a diaper or have a car that could hold a car seat. You're setting yourself up for decades of resentment and conflict.

I would talk to him openly about this before splitting, but seeing him make a real commitment to participating in that part of running a family home would be necessary for me not to move on.

Stop saying he can't cook.

He WON'T cook. Focus on that - which can change. If he wants to and considers you worth changing for.

This has so far failed to happen.

You want him cooking? You're going to have to teach him.

Start with eggs. Scrambled, fried, omelette, poached etc. Also the mysteries of toast.

Then add in the rest of the full English.

Then 'how to open and heat a jar of pesto or a Lloyd Grossman etc, bung in some drained olives, boil filled pasta for 3-4 minutes, then chuck parmesan over the lot and open a bag of salad.'

If he whines, tell him what you've told us. It's a turn off.

I couldn't think about having children with a man I couldn't leave in sole charge of children for an extended period - like if I were to go on a trip or be hospitalised, I need to know that my children's father has the basic competence required to provide a good standard of care for them without any help.

That involves making them dinner. Yeah you don't need to cook for children every day, but you need to feed them good proper food a lot more often than you feed them takeaway pizza.

I would just straight up tell him look, I can see a future with you but only if you learn to cook a handful of proper meals.

Two more things:

Whenever you talk or think about this (including when bringing it up with him) you need to drop the "can't cook" and replace it with "a man who is unwilling to make even the slightest effort at cooking." He's not lacking in ability, he's making a choice not to participate in this aspect of standard adult life, and that will have real impacts on anyone who chooses to form a family with him.

And don't gift him anything cooking related for Christmas or his birthday unless he requests it. Gifts should always be about what you think the recipient will like, never about what you think they need to change about themselves or coded messages. Weaponizing "gifts" in this way is nasty and absolutely not the route to a healthy, happy relationship; don't let this frustration turn you into a person who behaves like that.

I think nobody is perfect, I’d take someone who is clean and tidy over someone who can’t cook any day. My DH doesn’t cook but does all the washing up (I loathe washing up) it works well for us, I’m a bit of a feeder and get joy from cooking for loved ones. We get a takeaway once a week that he organises so I get a break and when I’m unwell my DD is happy with some fish fingers and frozen veg 😊

You can demand he learns to put some jar sauce and pasta together as a bare minimum but you are unreasonable if you think you can make him love something he just doesn’t.

DH could only cook 1 meal when we met but he tried really hard for the first year or 2 we were dating to learn recipes and impress me.

It’s not the cooking but the total lack of effort and the fact he hasn’t dialled into the fact this matters to you. You need someone who can listen and work on themselves so you can both grow together as a couple.