Struggling to be happy for DS marrying his selfish GF

[GoverningSilverfish]

NC for this because I feel awful even thinking it, let alone saying it out loud. DS (28) is getting married next year to his long-term GF (26), and I just can’t seem to feel happy about it. I love my son to bits, but his fiancée… well, let’s just say she wouldn’t be my first choice for him.

She’s always been a bit me me me, if you know what I mean. Everything has to be done her way, she never compromises, and I just don’t see her putting DS first in the way he does for her. He bends over backwards to make her happy, and she just… takes. Never a thank you, never any real consideration for his feelings. If he’s ill or stressed, she still expects him to do whatever she wants. If she’s upset about something minor, it’s the end of the world and he has to drop everything. It’s like she thinks she’s the main character and everyone else is just supporting cast.

I know it’s his life, his choice, and of course I’ll be there on the day with a smile plastered on, but inside I feel sick at the thought of him tying himself to someone so self-centred. I just can’t shake the feeling that he deserves better. I worry that one day he’ll wake up and realise he’s spent years prioritising someone who wouldn’t do the same for him. But if I say anything, I’m the bad guy, aren’t I? He’s happy now, and I don’t want to ruin that.

Has anyone else felt like this about a future DIL/SIL? How do I get over it and just be happy for him? Or at least fake it convincingly…

(Apologies for the essay. Handhold, anyone?)

What’s your gut feeling when you’re around her? Is she friendly? Is she nice to him, and you? If you met her at work for example what would be your opinion?

I think you come across as eminently reasonable op - a caring mother who wants to see her son happy. Not a control freak who can't let him go. Of course you could be reading the situation incorrectly, but it doesn't sound like it to me.

On MN so many people like to be the devil's advocate and take up against a poor poster trying to get some sensible advice. Maybe their views are coloured by their experiences (in this case, have an awful mil themselves) but I think some just see it as a sport to put the op down.

However, that being said, you really can't do anything here. She is his priority and he won't take kindly to any criticism of her. All you can do is try to maintain a good relationship with them both, and be there for him if things don't work out.

Women are capable of emotional and mental control but men are capable of killing women with their bare hands.

The fear most men who are victims of this are under is that the woman will leave.

It doesn’t quite compare to the fear women who are victims of this from male perpetrators have that they could very well kill them.

You "don't be think it's low self-esteem" but.. "he's a people pleaser"... He's avoidant and will do anything for a quiet life?!?
I'm sorry but he's settling/putting up with Tae demands because he doesn't think he deserves better and has poor boundaries. At his age it might be something to accept with the hope he gets to understand this himself and negotiates/grows the relationship. Out t maybe this will be the dynamic for everyone more..... Either way. nothing you say will shift this. Be supportive and gently curious but don't wade in and challenge. It's not where he's at and he'll feel misunderstood and conflicted...

I would be careful. You can’t unring that bell. My parents and siblings hated my husband for so many years. It was a smear campaign.

To put a happy ending on this after two decades, it is only because of my endlessly forgiving heart, that they are able to see their grandchild. DH is also a very forgiving person and we together said, despite their faults, we will move forward. We never got an apology which says more about them. I have let it all go now.

And these days, we all get along really well. It is interesting how they all fall over themselves to be nice.

On reflection, I think it can be a very long and tired road to dislike someone.

If this was a daughter getting married and there were red flags would parents stay quiet, yes i would speak to him but very carefully

If you think you have been calm and rational about it then how he reacts is up to him you have tried

Do not have a "quiet word". Also do not drag any of your relations into this. From experience with my own DM, if I think off my own bat that my SIL is selfish, that's one thing, but I don't want to have my relationship with him and her coloured.

Gently OP that’s not pushing you out that’s him recalibrating his life time around his main person. He doesn’t have the same free time as he would when he was single.

and the chats he would call you for or advice he probably now asks her.

these are his choices. Not hers. He is a grown man after all

Honestly? She’s polite to me, but I wouldn’t say warm. She’s never been outright rude, but I always get the sense that she’s just… tolerating me. Like she’s doing what she has to do, rather than actually wanting to build any kind of relationship.

With him, she can be affectionate, but it always feels a bit performative. Like, if people are watching, she’s all over him. But when she thinks no one’s paying attention, it’s different. Little things eye rolls when he’s talking, sighing when he’s taking too long to do something, that kind of thing. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but it doesn’t sit right with me.

If I met her at work? I think I’d find her a bit… self-centred. The type who always makes sure her voice is the loudest in the room. Confident, yes. But also someone who expects things to go her way. And they usually do.

Out of interest what does his Dad say about their relationship?
Do you have a DH or partner that is also in his life?

Does he have any siblings or a father that feel the same way OP?
what do they think?

Yes, his dad’s still very much in his life. We’ve been together forever, and he’s always been a hands-on, involved dad.

He sees what I see, but he’s much more relaxed about it. Says it’s his life, his choice, and as long as he’s happy, we just have to let him get on with it. Which I know is the right attitude, but it’s easier said than done when you’re the one lying awake at night overthinking everything!

DH thinks she’s a bit… demanding, but he doesn’t get as worked up about it as I do. He just says we need to stay close, keep the door open, and trust that DS will come to us if he ever needs to. Which I know is sensible. I just wish I could switch my brain off and stop worrying.

Yes, he’s got a sibling who feels the same as I do maybe even more so, to be honest. They’ve always been really close, but since he’s been with her, it’s like she’s slowly edged him away from everyone. Sibling has tried to bring it up with him before, gently, but he just brushed it off and said everything was fine.

His dad, like I said, sees it but doesn’t let it bother him. He just says we have to let him live his own life and be there if he ever needs us. Which I know is the right way to handle it, but it’s so hard to just sit back and watch.

I think if his peers have tried and had no luck then that’s probably it. I’m sure his sibling will have another chat before the wedding.

as someone whose been the sibling you can only say a few times and then leave them to make their life choices.

I think your DH is right.

Your son has made his choice and you really do need to come to terms with it. Do you think that there’s a possibility that you’re now looking for things and potentially over thinking things?

For instance your comment about the breakdown and the fiancé having drunk wine. That was a valid reason for not wanting to drive. The football is a choice for your son to make. Perhaps it’s served its time but he now wants to spend that time with his partner.

Ultimately your DS has choices and he’s making decisions based perhaps on what he wants to do. You might be upset that you feel that he devotes too much time and attention to her wants, but perhaps that’s exactly what he wants and likes doing.

Good advice here. I'd do similar.

You just don't like her so i expect she is just tolerating you but you're going to have to accept her.

What’s her family like, @GoverningSilverfish ?

They're still so young OP and she could be a completely different person by her mid thirties. Your description of her isn't amazing but it's not awful either. Please don't say anything, you could end up ruining your relationship with your son if you do.

This

Ffs, would you all really let someone you love marry a selfish person without even mentioning it? If it was a friend, wouldn't you say something?

Suck it up or you will soon find yourself observing his life from afar. It’s very hard but he will have to find out his own way. Or maybe he won’t. Either way, all you can do is be supportive and be there. DON’T criticise her to him, as it will get back to her and she probably already knows you don’t like her.

if they have kids you’ll want a relationship with your grandchildren and unfortunately from all the MIL threads on here, the reality seems to be that the DIL determines how much access to grandchildren the MIL gets.

Maybe you need to reflect on why you think your son feels unable to set boundaries with her? Why is he such a people pleaser? The ones we choose to have relationships with are not coincidental and are based on familiar patterns learned in early life. It might be helpful to you to understand why he may have chosen her. It’s obvious why she’s chosen him if she thinks she can walk all over him.

As a previous poster suggested, without mentioning her, maybe next time he tells you something she’s done, have a discussion about it to try and steer the conversation and get him to take stock of the situation more. Perhaps then you can guide him to come to his own realisation.

She seems quite controlling and manipulative, really, and I’m shocked that poster’s are excusing it but perhaps it’s because his partner is a woman and if the roles were reversed the outcome would be different!

OP, how often did your husband visit his parents when you were married?
What kind of relationship does/ did he have with them?

By your own words, your son is very happy and in love. I'm amused at the thought of "having a quiet word" with him - do PPs who suggest this anticipate that the son will go "omg you're right mum, she is bad for me! I'm out of love with her and the wedding is off" 🤣🤣🤣

I would LOVE to hear the daughter in law's side of all this.............

Yoir examples by the way are very weak. She likely didn't MAKE HIM go out while he had the flu, she asked and he obliged. Similarly the wine and car incident to me reads like she didn't want to drive as had already had some wine. At any rate they are very weak examples and if your son knew you'd file them in your memory under "examples why his GF isn't good for him" he'd just stop sharing anything with you.

Gently, your post is a giant red flag and I'm dying to hear your son's and your daughter in law's opinion. Especially the "handhold please" at the end... He's getting married, not diagnosed with a terminal illness

I've been there in your son's shoes and it drove a massive wedge to my relationship with my mum. If you want a close relationship with him, you need to work at acceptance. A PP suggested therapy and I think it's a wonderful suggestion. I maintain that we would all benefit from therapy to unpack feelings.