Struggling to be happy for DS marrying his selfish GF

[GoverningSilverfish]

NC for this because I feel awful even thinking it, let alone saying it out loud. DS (28) is getting married next year to his long-term GF (26), and I just can’t seem to feel happy about it. I love my son to bits, but his fiancée… well, let’s just say she wouldn’t be my first choice for him.

She’s always been a bit me me me, if you know what I mean. Everything has to be done her way, she never compromises, and I just don’t see her putting DS first in the way he does for her. He bends over backwards to make her happy, and she just… takes. Never a thank you, never any real consideration for his feelings. If he’s ill or stressed, she still expects him to do whatever she wants. If she’s upset about something minor, it’s the end of the world and he has to drop everything. It’s like she thinks she’s the main character and everyone else is just supporting cast.

I know it’s his life, his choice, and of course I’ll be there on the day with a smile plastered on, but inside I feel sick at the thought of him tying himself to someone so self-centred. I just can’t shake the feeling that he deserves better. I worry that one day he’ll wake up and realise he’s spent years prioritising someone who wouldn’t do the same for him. But if I say anything, I’m the bad guy, aren’t I? He’s happy now, and I don’t want to ruin that.

Has anyone else felt like this about a future DIL/SIL? How do I get over it and just be happy for him? Or at least fake it convincingly…

(Apologies for the essay. Handhold, anyone?)

@UndermyShoeJoe have the women all stopped seeing their friends too?

I never said the men stopped seeing their friends. I think you’ll find I said they stopped football but still saw friends as they would normally.

How can you reduce a one night a week hobby? It's completely different from your DHs scenario.

Say nothing or you’ll likely ruin your relationship with your son sadly.
my future DIL is lovely and my son is emigrating to be with her,which is heartbreaking for us but it’s his life and his choice. I’d keep quiet and let him make his own decisions and possible mistakes

Well, yes. Because women are far more vulnerable to male violence than men are to female violence.
Two women a week are murdered by their male partner or ex in the UK.
There’s nothing close to that stat for male victims of female partners.

Can we not pretend men don’t have the physical upper hand that makes it much easier to say “no” and walking away when they’re in a toxic relationship?

Well if he really wanted to go, he would.

It's a hobby from his teenage years and he's probably outgrown it.

My husband stopped playing football and stopped going to the gym after we moved in together.
He made his own gym in the garage instead.
I enjoyed having a few hours to myself but he’d moved past those social groups and didn’t enjoy their company anymore.

@TENSsion Men definitely have the physical upper hand, I agree, but surely women are as capable of emotional and/or mental control, aren’t they?

I don’t know why someone wouldn’t support their partner when they had an important work deadline, we’ve all had those times.
I once had to bail out of a Christmas trip due to work ( DH and the children went) and he understood. I’ve had to cancel things when my DH was busy too.

@TENSsion I’m sure you didn’t say that you were lonely when he did go out to do these hobbies though. That’s emotional blackmail!

Exactly. I did all sorts in my teens. St John Ambulance, Guides, Belly Dancing, piano lessons. I don't have any interest in doing any of those things now and don't keep in touch with any of the people I did them with. It was just something to fill my time up when I was a bored teen with lots of energy.

My mum and sister disliked my brother's partner, both found her shallow and selfish and, while neither was rude to her face, they constantly criticised her her behind her back and were so obviously cool towards her that she must have known how they felt. Your future DIL probably already has a good idea how you feel about her too.
Despite their hostility towards my SIL she has always been friendly and polite to our side of the family, not that this ever made my mum and sister think better of her. More importantly, she and my brother have been together for many years and have two children and she has been a loyal and supportive partner to him, which, to be honest, he hasn't always deserved. She is also the main earner in their household despite my mum and sister's constant sneering at her career and the fact she was apparently a lazy mother because she hired a nanny when she returned to work.
It is worth remembering that your problems with the girlfriend may be entirely subjective and personal rather than being an accurate reflection on her character. She seems to be making your son happy and he obviously knows her better than you so it is a little presumptious to think he needs his mum to open his eyes to her faults.
If I were you I'd keep your negative thoughts to yourself and try to deal with them in your own time, criticising the woman he loves is likely to cause a rift between you and your son and is extremely unlikely to convince him to think twice about the marriage. Also, while this may be a difficult task, I'd advise you to try and build a positive relationship with your future DIL, especially as she well may be the mother of your future grandchildren so it will benefit everyone for the two of you to be on good terms with her.

If being lonely is enough to get a man to stop doing something he loves then loads of women would be declaring they were lonely to get their Lycra husband back or at least clear them off the roads lol.

As I’ve said before I suspect this is a part story rather than explain the actual full story or even explain a possible in joke the easy answer to how’s football was oh I don’t go anymore fiancée was too lonely 🤣

Maybe that’s the night the neighbours are out and they have loud sex, maybe he just wanted to quit and she cracked a joke about not being lonely anymore on a Tuesday. Nobody but him and her now the little ins and outs or quirks.

Dh will often drop Me in the shit so to speak. I haven’t actually said what his said. Had a can’t she won’t eat alone so I’ll have to give it a miss. What he actually means is I won’t cook a full on meal just for me soo I’ll order in and he wants some of that if it’s nicer than the “plan” or I’ll just a make pasta cheese. Which is zero problem for me but a nice ah the ole ball and chain comment 🙄

in addition to my previous post i would like to add that one of my dil i didn’t like the way she treated my son and i spoke to my ds about it and he actually agreed! They had a big chat about it and he told her what he was and wasn’t going to tolerate and they moved on. She is still hard work sometimes and i sometimes bristle at the way she talks to my ds but i don’t say anything or get involved. I will say that she is a fantastic mother to my dgc and she is far more sensible with finances than my son.

My mum faked it convincingly towards my ExH. It was a masterclass. She deserved a BAFTA. BUT we’ve never spoken about it. She did say though, it’s not up to her whom I marry, it’s my choice, but that’s it.

@UndermyShoeJoe Maybe. I dunno, I wouldn’t like it if DH said he was lonely when I went out one night a week to play sport. As I said upthread, my DH is about to go away for a long weekend doing his hobby, doesn’t bother me. As long as I get my time as well!

That’s actually a really good point, and something I hadn’t really considered. He’s always been quite open with me, and I suppose he does tell me when things go wrong more than when things go right. Maybe that’s just how he vents, and I’m taking it as a bigger issue than it really is.

I’d love to hear about the nice things she does for him, but he never really mentions them. Not that I expect him to sit and list every kind thing she’s ever done, but it would be nice to know he’s being looked after the way he looks after her. Maybe I need to start asking more about the positives rather than just hearing the negatives and running with them.

@GoverningSilverfish I doubt he realises he's giving you a skewed impression but it's possible he is. I have a son (older than yours) and he still tells me everything negative that he's had to deal with as though he needs a bit of Mum sympathy and comfort. I have to remind him to tell me good things too as it sometimes leaves me feeling a bit down! Maybe it's just how some boys/men are with their Mums. My daughters are the opposite and rarely tell me anything that would concern me.

I hear you, and I don’t want to come across like I think my son is some perfect angel who can do no wrong. He’s not. I know he’s not. And I know he loves her, which is why I’ve kept my mouth shut and will continue to do so.

Maybe I am being biased. Maybe I am seeing things through rose-tinted glasses. I don’t want to dislike her, I really don’t. I just struggle with the way their relationship seems to work, from the outside looking in.

You’re right there’s always another side. Maybe I need to step back and give her the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming the worst. At the end of the day, he’s happy, and that’s what matters, isn’t it? I just have to trust that if there’s ever a real problem, he’ll tell me. And if he doesn’t, that’s his choice.

Well, if women are going to be selfish, doing it when you're child-free and in your 20s feels like the time to do it. Fast-forward 10 years and many women are struggling with selfish partners who don't pull their weight. May as well get in there first for a bit and make it clear you're not a housemaid or mummy substitute, it can save a lot of trouble later on.

This is exactly what worries me. It’s not just the asking it’s the way he always feels like he has to say yes. Like there’s no real option to say no without some kind of fallout. And I don’t even think he realises it’s happening.

I don’t want to push him away by making a big deal out of it, but I also don’t want to sit back and watch him slowly get cut off from everything and everyone outside of her. I know relationships mean compromise, but it should go both ways, shouldn’t it?

I suppose all I can do is make sure he knows I’m always here for him, no matter what. I just hate feeling like I’m watching it all happen in slow motion and can’t do a thing about it.

She might be awful, she might be somewhere in the middle or she might be perfect for him, we can’t tell because OP is clearly feeling pushed out and is looking for someone to blame. She might be spot on who knows.

But if I had a deadline and I said to OH going to hunker down tonight get this work done for tomorrow and she said oh you’re kidding, I didn’t realise you were busy I’ve booked us a surprise date night, tickets and reservations arranged. I’d be like oh wow, that’s so lovely! Do you know what, this work has got to be done but that sounds like fun/was so thoughtful, let’s go and I’ll spend a few hours on it when we get back!

I don’t think any of the scenarios can’t be framed a bit differently to be just a happy couple making decisions together, and someone who made their mind up about FDIL misinterpreting things due to wanting to find reasons not to like her.

Either way it’s best to keep out of it and try and remember that as his mum she will only be getting half the story and if she is awful then she wants to remain close to him so she can be there when he eventually realises

Yep! My MIL had to start working again full-time when my husband was just a few months old (she actually didn't want to but was the only wage earner) so thought I was lazy not to do the same. Then selfish to leave my husband to look after our child at weekends when I got part-time work. Thought I was crazy to not want to feed my child sugary biscuits when he'd just started to eat solids. But also I should have made everything from scratch (homemade yoghurt, bread etc) as supermarket food was full of chemicals. And so and so on.
I feel the a similar vibe MIL vibe here from.the OP...

If OP’s son was a daughter, I’ve a feeling the responses would be VERY different.

I had a similar situation with my brother a few years ago. He was involved with a controlling woman and it was horrible to see him suffer.

OP, to me, you sound very moderate in your view of your DIL-to-be. Personally, I’d be confident in having a conversation with your son because it seems as though you and he CAN be open and truthful with one another, are able to communicate respectfully - and that’s a really good thing to share with anyone - son, friend, other relatives, work colleagues or anything else.

Just WOW! What a way to start a relationship 🙄

Too many women start relationships as pushovers who put their own needs last. Pre-DC, many may not even realise it since they have time and energy to meet their needs as well as their partner's. Then kids come along and screw up the balance and they're left run ragged and with nothing for themselves. There's something to be said for making it clear from the start that this won't wash and you won't be taken advantage of.