Struggling to be happy for DS marrying his selfish GF

[GoverningSilverfish]

NC for this because I feel awful even thinking it, let alone saying it out loud. DS (28) is getting married next year to his long-term GF (26), and I just can’t seem to feel happy about it. I love my son to bits, but his fiancée… well, let’s just say she wouldn’t be my first choice for him.

She’s always been a bit me me me, if you know what I mean. Everything has to be done her way, she never compromises, and I just don’t see her putting DS first in the way he does for her. He bends over backwards to make her happy, and she just… takes. Never a thank you, never any real consideration for his feelings. If he’s ill or stressed, she still expects him to do whatever she wants. If she’s upset about something minor, it’s the end of the world and he has to drop everything. It’s like she thinks she’s the main character and everyone else is just supporting cast.

I know it’s his life, his choice, and of course I’ll be there on the day with a smile plastered on, but inside I feel sick at the thought of him tying himself to someone so self-centred. I just can’t shake the feeling that he deserves better. I worry that one day he’ll wake up and realise he’s spent years prioritising someone who wouldn’t do the same for him. But if I say anything, I’m the bad guy, aren’t I? He’s happy now, and I don’t want to ruin that.

Has anyone else felt like this about a future DIL/SIL? How do I get over it and just be happy for him? Or at least fake it convincingly…

(Apologies for the essay. Handhold, anyone?)

Oh OP i can hear your sadness that your not his priority anymore as much, so is part of what your feeling this sadness around this normal redistribution of his time or is his GF really doing anything? I hear you smell a rat that she suddenly needs him when he's planned time with you

you don’t want to get caught in a battle for his attention as she will always win.

can you think of any fool proof ways you can see him without this happening where your not competing with her needs for him to be around?

I wonder if you don’t tell him your missing your son time but in a non confrontational way that isn’t demanding he carry on, just letting him know how you feel. I know lots of women have special relationships with their sons. It may give you some relief to be honest

Sounds like the issue is he doesn’t know when to say No and how to implant proper boundaries. If he did this, she would have to deal. No one is forcing him to move heaven and earth.

I’d be focusing on helping your son learn how to speak for himself than directing your attention at your DIL. He’s the one choosing to set himself on fire over “constant little things.”

But you’re blaming her for his decisions. I mean, I can see why you’re worried, because he seems determined to immolate all vestiges of an independent personality on the altar of this relationship, but that’s not on her. He’s responsible for his own actions.

Your problem here is actually your son.

It is his choice to act in the way that he does.

That’s what I can’t get my head around. He’s a lovely, kind, hardworking man he could have anyone. So why her?

I don’t think it’s low self-esteem, he’s always been confident and sociable. But he’s also a people-pleaser, always has been. Hates confrontation, will do anything for a quiet life. I think she’s just got used to that and leans into it, knowing he won’t push back.

Money-wise, no he’s comfortable, but not rolling in it, and she earns well herself. I don’t think it’s that. I just think he genuinely loves her. And maybe I’m wrong, maybe she loves him just as much. But from where I’m sitting, it feels like he does all the work, and she just sits back and takes.

I was the future DIL in this scenario. Dh's parents were very different to me and my family. I'd always been encouraged to be independent by my parents, to get a good job, work hard etc but also to enjoy life, buy a house, car, holidays etc However, dhs parents were very old fashioned and penny pinching. His dad ruled the roost on everything, including spending and his parents were shocked that I was so career minded but also that I liked spending money (within reason). They told dh I was too grabby and that I had no patience and expected to get everything I wanted straight away, spoilt in other words (even though I paid for everything myself). They thought my engagement ring was too big, they couldn't understand why we wanted to buy a house rather than rent a flat etc They ruined the build up to the wedding for dh by constantly trying to get him to change his mind, his mother even tearfully begged him not to marry me on the morning of our wedding and after the wedding dh couldn't wait to see the back of them. It was actually me who persuaded him to forgive them and we always made them welcome and visited them. Twenty five years later, it was me, the flighty, spoilt, demanding girl who they turned to every time they had a problem, when they needed taking to hospital appointments, sorted carers and cleaners for them, visited them in hospital and helped them downsize. It was also me who ended up organising their funerals as dh was ill and wasn't able to. I often wonder if they regretted how they tried to interfere in our relationship years ago and one valuable lesson I learnt from them was to not interfere when my own son brought a girl home, to trust in his judgement and keep my mouth shut.

I agree with other PP. The problem, then, isn't the fiancee, it's that he needs to stand up for himself. If he says he's stopped football because his GF would miss him, you could say 'it probably wasn't that important to you, if you're happy to stop going'. Don't give him sympathy. Let him see that he's responsible for his choices.

Wow, you sound pleasant. 😂

@Topknotted Yes, he’s making his choice. Would you say that it’s possibly/has the potential to be a controlling relationship?

Given the football/work fusses, I also wonder whether she’s insecure. It’s v. difficult though when your partner makes a big fuss about you doing something innocuous.

The football one is alarming. She's already started isolating him.

This is one of those posts whereupon you'd like to hear the other side...

My MIL was never keen on me - she was/is a lone parent, and I took her only son from her. I've never had a cross word with her, and I'm sure she thinks I'm oblivious to her catty remarks and the various insidious dick moves shes pulled over the years. I'm not oblivious though, my lack of retort is down to a mixture of not giving her the satisfaction and not really giving a shit (because I don't like her, ergo don't care what she thinks of me).

I feel for my husband though (of 20 plus years), because he'd've liked her to make more of an effort. I used to shame him into visiting her (she'd never believe that was the case; she probably thinks I'm over occupying him, and that's why he rarely visits) but I don't bother now. Subsequently, he visits her every 3 months or so (and she's only a 15 minute drive away). Sad really, but her own doing.

I do respect his choices! I know he’s an adult, I know it’s his life. I don’t expect to have any say in who he marries, and I’d never dream of interfering.

I just needed to get it off my chest because it’s hard to watch someone you love give everything and not get the same back. Maybe I am being unfair, maybe I’m only seeing what I want to see. But it’s not about thinking no one is good enough it’s about wanting him to be with someone who values him as much as he values them.

At the end of the day, I’ll smile, go to the wedding, be supportive, and keep my mouth shut. I just hope I’m wrong about her.

My DH asked his dad why he hadn’t admitted to not liking DH first wife before they got married. His dad said to him “Son if I had would you have listened or just done what you wanted anyway?” DH admitted that he would have married her anyway and his dad saying anything could have damaged his relationship with his parents. My in-laws plastered on smiles on the day and picked up the pieces when it went wrong. Don’t say anything to your son as it could damage your relationship too. As my in-laws were just be there to pick up the pieces if it goes wrong and plaster on a smile on the day.

I just don’t think the girlfriend saying she was lonely is the reason he quit playing. Because if it’s genuinely just that tiny little reason then ops son was just always used to a bossy women telling him what to do.

Lot of men do quit football however when they get partners as they find it eats into to much time but still just go out with mates.

You have to accept that this is normal. His wife is rightly his priority over you. When he has children they will also be more important to him than you. Accept that now or you will live your life bitter and frustrated

It sounds to me like he's telling you too much about the negative things in his life and hardly any of the positive so maybe you're getting a skewed view of their relationship? He seems to tell you all the good things he does for her but nothing about what she does for him. Perhaps he's become used to offloading on you and enjoying some Mum attention? He might not even realise he's doing it.

I can relate to it @GoverningSilverfish my dds are my life and it’s all consuming, imagining that not being the case is a tough transition we have to make.

but your whole thought pattern about her is adversarial, and point scoring. You’re setting yourself up here for sadness and strain.

Up to you but I’d really try and change my thinking and start playing devils advocate in my head - every time I see something, trying to put a positive alternate spin on it rather than keep seeing it as ds losing. You may be right, if you’re right eventually ds will realise on his own as he needs to do, and if you’re wrong and being overly negative, you want to counter that before you cause all of you trouble.

2 people who live together, no kids, should absolutely be able to do a hobby one night a week. She absolutely manipulated him. He is at fault too for going along with it. I do a hobby one night a week. If my DH dared to even suggest I shouldn't go, he'd be told in no uncertain terms where to stick his suggestion.

This is the crux of the problem
You are jealous of your future DIL.
The fact that you haven’t given solid reasons as to why you don’t like her just proves this
I honestly don’t understand why mother’s are so possessive of their sons
My son is 18 and we are very close . He is a lovely young man , but I can’t wait for someone to take him off my hands .

Nonsense saying, that one.

But we don’t know that she stopped him.

All we have is basically a yeah stopped playing football didn’t want partner being lonely or some part version story.

Some of the lads dh played football with would of quite happily sold the story of Mrs doesn’t want me to, speak to the Mrs and she’s outraged enjoyed having him out of her hair for the night, chilled wine with the tv/girls while he was out kinda thing. She seemed more than happy to be home chilling with her wine than running out to stand by his side when his car broke down..: not exactly some limpet.

We don’t have a, oh it’s so annoying partner is so bloody clingy she doesn’t want me to play football anymore she just goes on and on about being alone all night so I just gave it up.

@Crackanut And when you’ve been together for a long time, you positively encourage your partner to do their hobbies. 🤣

Sorry, I couldn’t resist saying that. My DH is going away this weekend doing his and I’m looking forward to having some me time ( DS will be here but out with his friends a lot). 😂

If this OP was from the mother of a DD, who had the same concerns about the DD's husband to be, this would be a very different thread.

@saraclara Yes, I think the same!

@Topknotted wow! Listen to yourself. If the sexes were reversed would you say it was the woman’s fault that the man had emotionally blackmailed her into making decisions that had a negative impact on her?

You’re victim blaming and you should be ashamed.