Struggling to be happy for DS marrying his selfish GF

[GoverningSilverfish]

NC for this because I feel awful even thinking it, let alone saying it out loud. DS (28) is getting married next year to his long-term GF (26), and I just can’t seem to feel happy about it. I love my son to bits, but his fiancée… well, let’s just say she wouldn’t be my first choice for him.

She’s always been a bit me me me, if you know what I mean. Everything has to be done her way, she never compromises, and I just don’t see her putting DS first in the way he does for her. He bends over backwards to make her happy, and she just… takes. Never a thank you, never any real consideration for his feelings. If he’s ill or stressed, she still expects him to do whatever she wants. If she’s upset about something minor, it’s the end of the world and he has to drop everything. It’s like she thinks she’s the main character and everyone else is just supporting cast.

I know it’s his life, his choice, and of course I’ll be there on the day with a smile plastered on, but inside I feel sick at the thought of him tying himself to someone so self-centred. I just can’t shake the feeling that he deserves better. I worry that one day he’ll wake up and realise he’s spent years prioritising someone who wouldn’t do the same for him. But if I say anything, I’m the bad guy, aren’t I? He’s happy now, and I don’t want to ruin that.

Has anyone else felt like this about a future DIL/SIL? How do I get over it and just be happy for him? Or at least fake it convincingly…

(Apologies for the essay. Handhold, anyone?)

Absolutely. Rookie error OP. Next time pretend your son is a daughter.

It’s coercive control, but sadly until your son sees it you’ve just got to grit your teeth and go along with it. She sounds like a nasty piece of work, alienating him from his friends.

I agree with this im afraid.

That’s what I can’t get my head around. He’s a lovely, kind, hardworking man he could have anyone. So why her?

You really aren’t coming across well OP. I’d love to hear her side. And I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt because I also have a lovely son who is much younger than yours and very much a mummy’s boy, which I love, and it trying to imagine what it will feel like when he drifts from me. But I like to think I’d never have this quite snobbish mindset.

He doesn’t want anyone he wants her. This worshipping at the altar of your son is really not reasonable and when it comes to it he will pick her over you.

It also makes me think that you have rose tinted glasses when it comes to your son. Was he that ill? Does playing football mean the pub afterwards which can be unpleasant for spouses waiting at home? Did she spend a fortune on a date night and is sick of his “hard work” encroaching on personal time? I’m inclined to think you’re way too biased and totally blind to the fact she may not be entirely to blame.

Who does the housework OP? The cleaning and cooking? Who takes on the every day grunge?

I'm pretty sure my MIL would make similar comments about me but the truth is that she knows absolutely nothing about our relationship and how we live. Furthermore, my husband absolutely does not give the whole story about anything in his conversations with her. He will happily use me as an excuse for why he can't do something/go to an event, because it's easier to blame me than explaining to her that he doesn't want to and dealing with her response. I don't care because I don't like her. (To be clear, I'm not an automatic MIL hater, in fact at first I loved her and couldn't understand why my husband's four brothers and sisters hated her. I learned over time. When none of your very different children want anything to do with you, there's usually a reason).

Yes, some of these stories don't paint the girlfriend in a good light but you're really not getting the full story in any of these examples and it feels like you're happy enough to jump to the conclusion that she's at fault because that's easier than accepting the new dynamic in your relationship with your son.

Step back and relax about it for a while. If you and he genuinely do have a good relationship he won't leave you out.

After I got divorced, a number of people came out of the woodwork to say that they’d never liked him because of XYNZ which was the reason why I divorced him. I kinda wish they’d said at the time. I might have still gone ahead and married him, but I might not.
And if I’d have known I had other options and some support I’m leaning very heavily towards I wouldn’t have.

Absolutely no advice on how you navigate that of course, hopefully somebody else will come along. Who has more tact than me to give you the right wording.

This!

You’re getting a hard time OP. Telling your partner they can’t play football for one evening because you’ll be lonely is controlling and /or pathetic.

What does she do to make him feel bad if he doesn’t do what she wants? The fact he couldn’t say no to her batshit impromptu date night and worked until 3am speaks volumes about the fall out that would have come his way if he’d said no to her.

you need to ensure he doesn’t get isolated from you as it looks like she’s doing a good job of cutting him off from his friends already.

Your justifications for these are laughable. The date night one...any reasonable person would discuss booking a table or whatever and accept that their partner/husband can't make it due to work. Not guilt trip and go ahead anyway leaving the person to work through to the early hours of the morning. The hobby one, is isolating him. The fact you think this behaviour is reasonable is very telling.

My ex FMIL hated me.
She told her son exactly what she thought of me a few months before our wedding in a really manipulate and awful way and fi and I ended up breaking up because of it. Fi had a nervous breakdown and we were both traumatised for years.

However - I never actually begrudged her talking to her son and expressing her concerns. If she'd done it in a calm and reasonable way and then left him to decide what to do with the information himself, that would have been fine. Marriage is serious and lifelong and sometimes people close to you can see things you can't.

I certainly did begrudge her threats and manipulations though.

My Mum wasn't keen on my fi either. I could tell, but she didn't say anything until after we'd broken up. If she'd have spoken up, I again wouldn't have minded, but I would still have married my fi.

When I met my husband he had a hobby every night of the week. Most of them tailed off after we met, not because I insisted on it but because he liked spending most of his limited free time with me. He still goes to pool on Wednesdays but it's quite normal to reduce hobbies in that scenario.

There's a thread on mm about a man bitching about his wife to another woman to get into her good books. How do you know your son isn't playing up the hard done by act so that he gets tea and sympathy from you?

You may assume the way the OP tells it is the absolute truth of how it happened, I don’t. That’s my point

My dad did this too, but to my sibling's partner! He thought sibling might be coercing them. I don't know what my in law made of it, but they celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary recently.

Find your inner Brian Aldridge and view it as "a perfectly fine starter marriage."

This is what your son wants, OP. This is his choice, what he believes will make him happy. You need to respect that.

Of course she will edge you out of his life to a degree - because otherwise there wouldn't be enough space for a spouse in it. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
Of course the time he has to spend with his mates is reduced, because he wants to spend time with his soon-to-be wife.

Be there and keep your concerns to yourself. If it does go tits up, be there to support him without "I always knew she was wrong for you" comments.

Yup dh used to play football and drag me along every bloody week. Even with a newborn. ( I honestly didn’t want to be there but also wanted to be supportive so did the whole ok if you want me to watch you play I will)

The others partners would come along sometimes and then we would all gravitate towards the bar to chat.

Then slowly one by one the men started dropping out. Some with excuses of the Mrs doesn’t want me to come, would see the Mrs as some point crack a joke about it and she would always be shocked like no I loved the nights he was out meant I could hog the tv or have friends round.

Turns out 9/10 the men who blamed the partners just got bored of playing football in the cold and preferred a beer at home in the warm. Would still meet up with mates like normal outside of football. Others had small injuries that then slowly started acting up more and more and they decided football wasn’t worth time off work if it flared up bad.

I think you have a DS problem.

Help him to become less of a people pleaser and he will make better decisions and come to his own conclusions.

You really aren’t coming across well OP

She's coming across fine.

Just too many MN posters getting involved Inna pile on as usual.

Christ don't do this. You will alienate your son and ruin the relationship you have with him. Plaster a smile on your face and move forward. If you don't then you may ruin any chance of a relationship with any future grandchildren too.

Except there’s no evidence whatsoever his fiancée has emotionally blackmailed him into anything. What I’m seeing is a young, inexperienced man with poor boundaries and a tendency to people-please losing himself in a relationship with someone that may or may not last. As told by his mother on here, it’s the fiancée’s fault for not being equally ‘giving’. But it often happens that someone blames the non-family member because it’s easier than acknowledging that the son is choosing, of his own free will, to neglect his relationship with his mother.

None of the men I was talking about in my known circle played football at all anymore by the age of 33. So around the ds age most had started to leave or left already. Only the most football is my life made it to 33.

Oh dear, this could have been written by my sister, who's son is marrying next year also. She is not the type to say anything but I know she's heartbroken about his choice to marry this horrible woman. She is not very nice and vv controlling, we all see it in the family but say nothing for fear of alienating him. With the wisdom of maturity we can all see it, but.........

Sometimes more laid back people want to be in a relationship with someone pushy and proactive.

It might not be what you want to hear as his mum, but his personality might just not suit being with someone equally people-pleasing, confrontation avoidant and passive. And maybe he recognises that.

Anecdotally, it seems there are a great deal of men out there who want a wife to run their life, take control and make day-to-day decisions for the family (essentially a mum 2.0). So his relationship dynamic might not be that rare!

He's obviously marrying her because he loves her. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do but support and be happy for them....even with a fake smile. Lots of people get married and realise down the line they weren't truly happy or want something different, that might be the case for him or they could stay together forever, neither way , as long as they are both happy I'd keep out. Also I definitely wouldn't let it show that you dislike her it might cause a wedge and if grandchildren come along you don't want to be the dreaded MIL who doesn't like the way she's doing things with the grandchildren. Noone is perfect, I'm sure another gf would be too much of this or not good enough in other ways, as long as she's good in general, there is no abuse , leave them too it

OP, she sounds v like my ex-SIL. There was nothing we could say before the wedding. The risks of falling out with him were too great. The marriage lasted less than two years. Awful fallout. Too outing to go into details. When the dust settled, we told my bro that we had concerns before the wedding, and he totally understood why we couldn't say. However, he said we must tell him if we had concerns in the future as he very much valued our opinions. So, I would say nothing, but let your son know you are always there, your door is always open, and you love him very much.

@Topknotted if she hit him would it be his fault for being weak and having poor boundaries?