DSis threatening to destroy my family with secret recording what do I do?

[InsufficantLizard]

NC for this because it’s beyond messy, and I feel sick even typing it.

Long story short, DSis and I have always had a strained relationship, but we were civil for the sake of DM. Well, that’s out the window now. She’s been holding onto a secret recording of me saying something (out of context, obviously) that could genuinely ruin my marriage and family life if it got out. She’s now threatening to send it to DH and possibly others unless I do what she wants (not going into details, but it’s completely unreasonable).

I feel like I’m in a nightmare. DH would be absolutely gutted if he heard it, even though I swear it’s not what it sounds like. I don’t know whether to try and reason with her (unlikely to work), preemptively tell DH (but risk blowing everything up myself), or just wait and see if she actually does it.

For context, DSis has always been a bit of a drama queen, but this is next level. I just don’t understand how my own sister could be so cruel.

What would you do? Anyone been in a similar situation? Handhold needed, please. I feel sick. 😞

Would your family be destroyed? Is it actually terrible or have you blown it up in your mind? Hard to really advise when we have no concept of how damaging it actually is. Though on what you have said, I would be seeking to take back control.

What the absolute hell? There’s bloody laws against black mail for goodness sake!

Maybe say just the general gist of what the recording is, as people are trying to help but don't know if it's along the lines of "I ran over my DH;s dog and then denied it" or "all of my children actually have different fathers" or " I slept with a female prostitute out of curiousity".
I mean just a hint would be helpful.

And what is the threat? What is she asking you to do? You must be able to word that in a non-identifying way.

Otherwise , I don't think you can expect more than the excellent advice you've already had. Tell your DH.
Was she recording you on her mobile phone? Depending on country and juristiction that can be illegal in itself if the other person is not informed they are being recorded. So you might have her right there .

Tell you DH . Don’t give in . If you have a strong marriage you can I’ll be ok and your awful sister will stop having this to hold over your head . Personally I would simply remove her from my life

Yeah is an awful situation but telling her your own version might be best. That way you can control the narrative a little bit and take that away from her. Even if she doesnt follow through this now, she could in the next blow up - 5 years, 10 years etc and you have this around your neck for the rest of your life.
I think DH mght be even angrier if it comes from her.

Yeah the fact that she says it would destroy her whole family I’m guessing something along the lines of “I don’t think DH is DCs dad” - but the full context being “because DH is obsessed with football and DC prefers line dancing”

but then why not just tell him

I would just tell your DH, he must know what a fraught relationship you have. Put the context around it and tell him what she is trying to do.

Then tell her to get in the sea with her blackmail.

I probably should just tell DH first, but I’m absolutely terrified of how he’ll react.

If your are terrified of his reaction, what on earth did you say?

Surely he might be upset/angry at first but then calm down?

I rather enjoy blowing shit up and I’d be getting in the family group chat and blowing this thing sky high. Get unhinged OP.

Well, if you tell him and can give the context, he should believe you.

If you let your sister send the recording, he almost certainly won't.

You’ll never be able to find peace while she is holding this over you. Take control, tell your husband and tell your sister that if she keeps threatening and attempting to blackmail you you’ll be going to the police.

I would think she's unlikely to tell him because she's loving having all this power over you, once it's out she's got nothing. Tell him yourself and you totally dismantle her.

I'm not suggesting that option is going to be a walk in the park btw but it's got to be better than having this dangling over you 24/7. The stress will drive you mad and your sister will enjoy watching the show. Don't give it to her.

Explain it to our husband - surely he will 100% believe you??

Then tell her to crack on. Give her no air to think it bothers you. She either will do it, or won't, and NOTHING you say will change that.

So keep your dignity and hope your husband is the man you think he is.

Definitely tell your DH first.
by you telling him you’ll be able to do some damage limitation.
Your dsis will paint you blacker than black. It’s best to get in first.
I wouldn’t tell her I’d told him either I’d say to her do your worst.
By seemingly calling her bluff she may not tell him but if she does she’s not coming out of this smelling of roses and the family will see her for what she is and will understand when you go nc with her.
what an utter b!+<h she is. I hope you can resolve this OP.

I would just speak to my DH about it.

Cannot say more without context but you have to get ahead of her story.

Agree with everyone else that you need to take control of the narrative. Tell you husband (because it IS going to come out at some point now, you need to tell him the context first, and tell him about the blackmail). And also go to the police with evidence of the blackmail and see if you can turn the tables on her. I appreciate it must be painful but it's the only way forward (or better said, the less disastrous way forward).

I'd wait it out. If she does happen to follow through then you can say something like "yes I know, she told me about this 'secret' recording and has been threatening my for xx amount of time. It wasn't said in the way she says it was, she engineered the conversation knowing she was recording me and planned to use it to blackmail me"

This. It won’t be a one off.

If you give her what she’s demanding that’s only going to make this whole thing look even worse when it inevitably comes out.

Honestly, if it's really not that big a betrayal then just call her bluff. Tell him anyway, explain it as best you can, and then go straight to the police to tell them she is blackmailing you. Don't even miss a beat. Don't worry about the fallout with your mum, or your sister's own family if she has one, just do it. Blackmail can be considered a serious crime. At the least she'd probably get a caution, I imagine. That should shake her up a bit.

How is this recording 'out of context?' Is she only releasing a small snippet of a longer conversation to make you sound guilty of something you are not? I'm guessing she obviously knows you did something you aren't proud of and she has deliberately steered you to into a conversation about it in order to record you and use it as leverage against you. That's a very spiteful and calculated act.

Also if it’s “out of context” and you explain the context how would that / could that hurt?

Unless the recording is in context….

You sound like you're minimising it, first you say it could ruin your marriage and then you say it's not that bad?

The last thing she will be expecting right now will be a knock on the door from the police. It will take the wind right out of her sails. Don't hesitate. Just do it.

Blackmail is a crime. Your only options are to tell your DH before she does, or else to emigrate forever. Report your sister to the police.

Sounds like she will hold it over you until the next favour and then the next and so on. Again without context it’s hard to judge.

but if like you said in context it’s not an issue then I would just wait and see if she does send it to DH and manage it when I’m he sees it. Act nonchalant and say oh yea she was threading to send it to you but you know how much of a drama queen she is and she’s recorded this out of context the actuall full story is….

truth be told if it’s fine when in context then surely your marriage is stronger than breaking up over an out of context comment