DSis threatening to destroy my family with secret recording what do I do?

[InsufficantLizard]

NC for this because it’s beyond messy, and I feel sick even typing it.

Long story short, DSis and I have always had a strained relationship, but we were civil for the sake of DM. Well, that’s out the window now. She’s been holding onto a secret recording of me saying something (out of context, obviously) that could genuinely ruin my marriage and family life if it got out. She’s now threatening to send it to DH and possibly others unless I do what she wants (not going into details, but it’s completely unreasonable).

I feel like I’m in a nightmare. DH would be absolutely gutted if he heard it, even though I swear it’s not what it sounds like. I don’t know whether to try and reason with her (unlikely to work), preemptively tell DH (but risk blowing everything up myself), or just wait and see if she actually does it.

For context, DSis has always been a bit of a drama queen, but this is next level. I just don’t understand how my own sister could be so cruel.

What would you do? Anyone been in a similar situation? Handhold needed, please. I feel sick. 😞

Explain it to your husband - but putting it into context. From what you say, it is only out of context that it is really bad. By pre-empting your sister, you get the correct interpretation across, rather than her message. I would then call the police (hopefully with your DH’s support) and let your family know.

your relationship with sister is bad, don’t do anything to save it. Cut it.

I think we cannot say fuck all unless you say what it was. But when in anger people say all sorts. It's better to let it have no value. Explain to your partner she's on a mad one.

Everyone can say 'i hate my partner' to their sister if they feel angry. Don't give it any leverage. Your husband won't abandon you over it. It's her who's gonna come out looking the arse hole.

I think I’d probably just ignore her.

I would explain what you said to your husband and what she's patially recorded you saying. Tell him she's trying to blackmail you and you need it to stop. I'm sure he'll be on your side to stop the bullying. You cannot give in, because it will keep happening.

If you have genuinely done nothing wrong, then I can't see why you wouldn't tell DH and then go to the police if you like.

What did you say? Why has your sis recorded it? Recording takes a degree of planning so she suspected something you were doing wasn't right and has been able to record you.

Are u sure you are as innocent as you are making out? And what does your sis want you to do?

Get ahead of this!
Tell DH the context and then what was said and then that your sister is blackmailing you.
Take the power back from her then have no more to do with her.

100% this. NEVER give in to blackmail. This problem will never go away if you do.

Make her send it. No blackmail.

Get in first.

I wouldnt give in to her blackmail. I couldn’t have it hanging over me.

perhaps you’re overthinking what she had on you? So it depends what you said.

i had a convo earlier with my friend talking about the series adolescence and incels/ male culture etc. I said something like ‘I’d be happy enough being on my own. I don’t need my Dh’. All true but the next bit was ‘I’m with him because I love him not because I need him’. So out of context if Dh heard the first bit he might be upset. But he would understand if I told him the context and the full convo.

You’d allow yourself to be blackmailed? Where would that end?

God, how dramatic you all are.

There are two issues here:

1. what you said
2. being blackmailed

It seems you have actually said something problematic, so own up to it. Tell your husband what was said. If he is offended or thinks less of you…then okay? He’s allowed to feel that way and take time to digest what you said. Chances are that even if he doesn’t like what you said, he won’t automatically agree that the blackmail is okay.

He might be disappointed with your actions but still support you with the blackmail. This obviously means you can ignore your sister or if she tells him, he’s already aware.

I don’t think it’s fair for you to hide this from him or control how he feels about it though. It comes across like you said something that will be offensive to him, so it’s okay if he thinks differently of you. You might not like it and that might make you uncomfortable but ultimately you did do it and you may need to make amends.

I would as well!

I would definitely talk to DH and never see sis again.

I'd own up to dh, explain what you've told us here, that it was out of context, it's the o ly way to take the power back. Even if she doesn't go through with it this time, do you really want her having this hold over you for the foreseeable future? Fess up, cut her off and never have anything to do with her again. She sounds hideous!

Also, surely you dh will be able to see how unhinged she is? The sneaky recording and then blackmailing you

I can't get over how someone could do this to their own sister. She must really hate you OP. How horrible and distressing. What has suddenly caused her to react like this? Have you had a row recently?

You mention 3 options:

reasoning with her - you already have a strained relationship and she's willing to blab your 'secret'...I think we all know you'd be on a hiding to nothing with that.

tell your DH - seems reasonable, if you tell him the whole story and how what she has recorded has been taken out of context and take the flak from him.

wait it out - what? and never sleep easy again knowing she could 'blow
everything up' in a heartbeat without you knowing she's about to do it?

As others have said, I think the best option is to discuss with your DH. You mention 'others' that she could send the recording to; who are these others? your family, DH family, friends?? Why would it matter if they knew?

So difficult to provide advice when we don't know the context of what caused your sister to do this, what she recorded/what you did etc.

I would both explain to DH that you are being blackmailed by your sister, and if you have evidence report to the police.

Tell your husband. It’s not healthy for your relationship with him to depend on another person’s actions! Don’t you want him to love you warts and all? Securing a person’s love based on them not knowing something you have done is not love.

Your husband can believe your honest answer or SIL (with whom I'm sure he's aware of the relationship issues). Only he can decide what to do. Whatever the outcome, time to go No Contact with her.

No doubt she will deny the blackmail to other family members. Just have a standard phrase to reply to family members who ask " why dont you see your sister any more?"

Something like " oh, she tried to blackmail me and destroy my marriage, so we dont talk anymore. I dont wish to discuss it. How have you been? ( change the subject)

Dont discuss it or go into detail. Dont ask family to chose sides, just carry on being you and focus on your nourishing relationships !

Do you and your sister live in an episode of Eastenders?

Well, what did you say that's so destructive?

You have to tell your DH and give him the context. Otherwise you carry on living in fear of your sister.

Telling him with context will it still be bad?