DSis threatening to destroy my family with secret recording what do I do?

[InsufficantLizard]

NC for this because it’s beyond messy, and I feel sick even typing it.

Long story short, DSis and I have always had a strained relationship, but we were civil for the sake of DM. Well, that’s out the window now. She’s been holding onto a secret recording of me saying something (out of context, obviously) that could genuinely ruin my marriage and family life if it got out. She’s now threatening to send it to DH and possibly others unless I do what she wants (not going into details, but it’s completely unreasonable).

I feel like I’m in a nightmare. DH would be absolutely gutted if he heard it, even though I swear it’s not what it sounds like. I don’t know whether to try and reason with her (unlikely to work), preemptively tell DH (but risk blowing everything up myself), or just wait and see if she actually does it.

For context, DSis has always been a bit of a drama queen, but this is next level. I just don’t understand how my own sister could be so cruel.

What would you do? Anyone been in a similar situation? Handhold needed, please. I feel sick. 😞

I can understand why you are feeling so conflicted and stressed by this, @InsufficantLizard. I tend to agree with the posters who have said you shouldn't be giving in to blackmail, and that it would be better to tell your dh what is happening, and that your sister has a recording which, out of context, sounds bad, but really isn't. He may want to know what was said, but he might not.

I would then tell your sister that your dh knows all about it, and that if she carries on, you will report her to the police because blackmail is a criminal offence.

How about the Downton Abbey solution? Give in to her demands, but make your sister sign a legally binding confession to extortion beforehand?

Seriously, what she’s doing is a crime.

Can you not speak to your DH and explain?

Hard to say more since we don’t know what recording says or what she wants you to do.

Without knowing what it is it's hard to gauge.

Is it you saying you wouldn't have married him?

I would sit him down and tell him and do damage limitation, mostly because it's better than the alternative which is having it hanging over you.

Be honest. Don't give into blackmail.

Tell her to go ahead and do it and make sure you have proof that she has threatened you with this.
tell her if she does you will go to the police as blackmail is a criminal offence and you have proof.
Then never contact her again because she is a terrible person who means you harm
tell your DH to take this power, i am not saying this is easy but it prevents you being threatened by this awful women ever again.
tell your mother as well so that she has the full facts about what a cretin her other daughter is.

Blow it up and get it over with. Get evidence of her threats. Then tell your husband. Then turn her into the police for blackmailing you.

You've got to tell him now, OP. Explain the context and tell him that this relative recorded part of the conversation to use against you and to blow up the family. It's blackmail you are accusing her of, which is a serious matter, so be sure of your facts first.
If he believes this woman rather than you, then your relationship has a problem anyway and it's best to address it before any explosion happens.

Do you actually have any proof she even has a recording? How did she manage to get it at the time without you noticing? And why is she only bringing it up now?

Is there a reason you can’t just be honest with your DH? Tell him exactly what you’ve said here… that you said something to your sister, she’s taken a clipped recording out of context and is now attempting to blackmail you with it. Most adults in a loving healthy relationship would understand this.

It’s the only way to remove her perceived power in the situation.

It all sounds totally bizarre to me. Family members secretly recording each other to blackmail them at a later date

Of course she continue to use it and even if you do what she wants every time will likely still use it at some point.

Only way is to sit down and work out how to tell DH and put it in context first or really bloody apologise for carless remarks to him- and if you have any texts or e-mails referencing blackmail - go to police with them - if they'll be interested can't say. I'd also make it know to any wider family that Dsis is recording conversations doctoring and attempting to blackmail people.

Only way to to confont this situation head on try and get ahead and completely take away her power.

Blackmail is an offence.

Do you feel safe with your DH - as in, you’re nervous of his reaction but do you have any reason to fear him? Is there a reasonable prospect when you explain context etc he will understand and not be offended / angry or is that unlikely?

Depending on that context I’d probably just tell your DP, if it’s safe and will probably work out ok.

Separately - as in whether you tell him or not - I’d go to police. You can tell them you need your DH not to know if there is any kind of violence / abuse concern.

Tell the police. Take the power away.

Just tell him the truth. Theres no other option. Get evidence of her threats and report her to the police. Cut her off.

OP, my sister has various narcissistic traits and this is the sort of thing she would do to me given half a chance.

I'm NC now, but in the past she's lured me into conversations where she slags off a family member, then goes and tells them I was the one criticising them.

She's tried turning different family members against me, especially our DM, which has never worked as they all know on some level that she's a troublemaker. She's also tried turning me against our DM by relaying their conversations to me. I learnt young not to engage with her drama.

In this scenario, I would 100% explain the situation to DH and other family members with the aim of taking away her power.

I’d say go ahead. I’ve already told him and I’m now going to the police. Make sure you have every thing in screen shots.

I'd tell my DH and then tell everyone what she did. Your parents, her family. Screenshots of any messages she sent about it at the ready if they don't believe you.

Oh and then never speak to her again, obviously.

You’re going to need to explain to your DH before she blows shit up.

Tell your DH and go no contact with your sister. If your sister shows him the recording it’s going to look worse and if she doesn’t you will always be worried about her showing him.

I concur. Make her really regret that she tried to pull that stunt. Then cut her out for good.

Apart from an affair or saying something truly, truly outrageous, there’s very little that would be that unforgivable to your DH to cause a divorce. Most secrets are worse in our heads than in reality. And if it’s just a case of you slagging him off, just explain it away with a bad day and that you were ranting.

Then after he knows, cut her off and explain to everyone why.

If you give in this time around, she’ll just keep it in her back pocket for whenever she needs it. You can’t live like that.

Well if you tell your DH you have a chance to explain it IN context. I’d take control

This.
She sounds absolutely horrible.
At least if you get in there first with husband you’ll have a chance to explain and add context to the situation.
Even if she doesn’t tell him now, how will you live with this hanging over you? The stress and anxiety of knowing she can drop the bomb whenever she wants?
I truly think in these circumstances, honestly is the best policy.

Personally I would come clean, for two reasons. It'll weigh heavy on you and if it does come out at least you've already been honest. Secondly, you could give her what she wanted she will keep the demands coming or even get you to do what she wants and send it anyway. The latter will look horrific as she could also say not only was you tempting to cover uo the recording, but you had the option to come clean and chose not to so coukd have a bigger fallout. Come clean, deal with the consequences it's got to be better than this? Good luck, sounds really awful x

I would tell my DH, however hard it might be. Then I would block and never talk to DSis.

You have no idea if she will continue to blackmail you once you do whatever it is that she is asking you to do. I wouldn’t be able to live like that.

She sounds awful and I am sure she won’t be missed once you go NC.

You need to sit your husband down and tell him. Keeping a secret like that will come to no good. She will be dangling whatever it for ever.
Steal her thunder!
Your husband must know that she's a drama queen and what sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Without knowing what's on the recording and how context makes a difference, it's hard to advise. However, the number of times when giving in to blackmail makes things better is vanishingly small. It may even be the case that it makes things worse, eg, if sis is demanding large sums of money. Acceding to that would turn the hole you think you're in now into the Grand Canyon.

I can't see that you've got anything to lose by talking to your DH before sis does. Ask yourself if what you said (with and without context) is more destructive than what she's doing. It's most unlikely to be the case, because blackmail is worse than most of the transgressions it exploits. Telling your DH doesn't guarantee he'll give you the benefit of the doubt, but it will take sis's power away from her.