MIL wants DH to meet her on his own for Mother’s Day

[Sunshine202341]

DH mentioned the other day that his mum has asked if him and his two other siblings want to meet her on Sunday for Mother’s Day (partners not invited). We have a young baby and one of his siblings also has a child. It would be a full day trip for him as she lives 2 hours away. I obviously don’t have an issue with him meeting his mum, however I feel that it would be nice for us to spend Mother’s Day together as a family seeing as I am now a mum! Plus it means I’ll be on solo parenting duty that day. My own parents are on holiday that day. I feel like she hasn’t considered the siblings who now have their own young families. Can’t work out if AIBU or not?

On father's day if I had a young baby I would celebrate my husband for being a brilliant father. As they get older I'd get them involved, and eventually they could take over.

I would see my dad another day or text him. I wouldn't spend the whole day with him, either leaving my husband with a baby or alone, and my dad would never ask me to because he respects that I'm an adult with my own family now.

It’s not wrong to want to see her children on mothers’ day. What l find distasteful about the whole thing is that MiL is specific. No partners and no grandchildren - knowing that will mean the other mothers in her immediate family either staying at home alone with their young children, or leaving them behind. And this is despite knowing that DH will have to travel two hours each way, so it’s not just lunch, it’s the whole day. It’s selfish, it’s divisive and it’s sending a clear message about her own self importance.

How will @Sunshine202341 have a lovely time with her own baby that is different from any other day? Will the baby give her a lie in, take her out to lunch, buy her a card/present?

Their first Mother's Day is often special for new mums as they are in the thick of parenting and it can all be quite thankless. OP's MIL sounds awful by insisting that OP's DH makes Mother's Day all about her and actually demands that partners be excluded.

I remember my first Mothers Day. We were living in a European country ( Mother’s Day is different) and remembered on the Saturday it was Mother’s Day the next day in the UK. We rushed around organising flowers etc ( days before the internet) and later that night sat down with a glass of wine congratulating ourselves on having got something done. Of course we then realised on the Sunday morning, that we had both forgotten that I would now be celebrating Mothers Day, the shops were shut and so DH had to hurriedly make a handmade card 😂😂 Enjoy your day OP. Every family is different, you just need to work out what is right for you.

@DaniO2I don’t expect to be my husband’s main focus, but I expect to be a focus amongst his mother. If seeing his mother would mean him being away from us for the day (especially because we were explicitly not invited) then he simply wouldn’t go, because given the choice, he would want to spend it with me and his toddler making sure I feel loved and spoiled.

If DH truly had his way we probably wouldn’t see either his mum or my mum on Mother’s Day. His suggestion this year was that we do something as a family and then take both our mums out for lunch together next week! I wasn’t having any of that.

Couples have baby's first everything to share together, wedding anniversaries, birthdays etc.

Wouldn’t her MIL likely had the same firsts as well when her children were born though?

Surely it's the norm that on the first few father/mother's days the other parent makes a little fuss of their partner? Until the child can knock up a little card of their own and bring a bit of toast in bed or whatever. And even then surely it's the other parent supervising and remembering for quite a few years.

If my DH had just said ''you're not my mum so i'm not doing anything it would have been a bit brutal. The little card 'from' baby and the tea in bed was very sweet when they are tiny.

I did the same for him on father's day. I suppose if you must label the behaviour its a way of the pair of us acknowledging each other as doing well with the new struggle as a parent and having a little treat in the name of the baby.

As well as little one's i also have adult DCs. No way i'd request all my older kids to leave their partners and the one grandchild and gather round me for the day like some kind of queen bee!

My opinion is that when a couple marries/commits to be together, they start a new family. They should get to decide what traditions they want to follow for their family. For some, that means alternating holidays with their families of origin. For others, it means keeping the day of for themselves and celebrating with their other relatives on different days. Some start hosting holidays and invite their families of origin. None of these are wrong or right. It is about what works best for the couple and their new family.

I’ve tried every variation and what works for us is we celebrate our holidays as a nuclear family, creating our own traditions. Usually, we offer to celebrate with our families of origin on another day. This is what works best for us and our children. Some of our relatives are understanding and make plans with us. Some refuse and get upset. Over the years, we’ve learned that we can’t please everyone, so we focus on our happiness.

Why doesn't DH just ask if that includes partners and grandkids?

It's DH who ibu if he didn't say sorry mam I'm doing X with my wife and baby. Could we do another weekend? Or would you like to do something with my whole family

Exactly my thought, she's not going to send separate message to her son and his wife to ask them to come, so I'd make sure you aren't invited before I'd respond.

It seems so add not to clarify, but then complain about it!

You're not being unreasonable. She's and selfish too. It's a family day not a me, me day!>