MIL wants DH to meet her on his own for Mother’s Day

[Sunshine202341]

DH mentioned the other day that his mum has asked if him and his two other siblings want to meet her on Sunday for Mother’s Day (partners not invited). We have a young baby and one of his siblings also has a child. It would be a full day trip for him as she lives 2 hours away. I obviously don’t have an issue with him meeting his mum, however I feel that it would be nice for us to spend Mother’s Day together as a family seeing as I am now a mum! Plus it means I’ll be on solo parenting duty that day. My own parents are on holiday that day. I feel like she hasn’t considered the siblings who now have their own young families. Can’t work out if AIBU or not?

@Sunshine202341 he could go on the Saturday AND take his child. I’m sure she’d love to see her grandchild and you get some time for yourself.

There's nothing wrong with one parent having the child on their own every now and then. That is an unreasonable expectation to think you'll never "solo parent" so the sooner you drop that expectation the better it will be for both of you.

However, your mil is clearly being totally unreasonable!
It is a weird dynamic to be asking adult parents to choose to leave their own children and spouse on mother's day to celebrate it with her.

Unless she doesn't know it's Mother's Day?

I'm so glad your DH stood up to her and told her her will be taking you out for Mother's Day, the actual mother of his child.

I hope the siblings also chose their own families.

Have a lovely first Mother's Day 💐

Can’t stand these Mother’s Day squabble threads.

Does your MIL not like to see her grandchildren? It seems quite common for partners to be excluded but odd for grandchildren too.

I agree with you entirely. Once your offspring are out of your care and living their own lives, a card in the post, phone call or WhatsApp is a lovely thought, and a bonus.

DH should just say no - he’ll be with the mother of his child that day - and send her flowers on the day. Only on MN do people take mothers out for lunch every year like it’s a religious observance. Me, I’m happy with a card and [yet another] ‘Mum’ mug. Anything more would be a welcome surprise.

She might want time with her own children, maybe to reminisce, talk about things perhaps she only wants to discuss with them.

She may be lonely.

Your DH & siblings might be conscious of time passing, that she won't be there forever, that they want to make the most of the time they have. Mine's in her 80s and the awareness only gets more acute.

She may be one of those women who resent their sons turning attention and affection to other women! This is as we know A Thing. And they can be masters at manipulation, obligation and guilt. That needs re-educating.

She does seem to have forgotten that there are at least two other Mothers who day it will be. Regardless of how old the children are, a first Mother's Day is surely an occasion to celebrate and make a nice fuss of. Demanding ALL the attention reads as selfishness.

This is on the husbands to sort this out.
The delicate balance between pleasing mum and pleasing wife. They need to find a compromise that considers everyone - here, the social family stuff (that women usually get landed with) is now on them.

And if he does opt to bugger off and leave you doing the usual daily childcare stuff with nothing special, nothing thoughtful, nothing nice on the day ... When's Fathers Day? What will you be doing on that day? That leaves him on his own doing what you had to do on Mother's Day?

She might want time with her own children, maybe to reminisce, talk about things perhaps she only wants to discuss with them.

She doesn't need to do that on Mother's Day - especially when her ds has a wife and new baby. There's no excuse for her suggesting this other than she's an entitled, overbearing CF. I'm a MIL to two young DIL's and I'd never even think of asking such a thing and putting my ds's in such an awkward situation.

His wife and baby are his main family now and if they choose to spend Mother's Day with her she would count herself lucky, not insist in seeing her dc's alone. It's utterly selfish and rude.

If she lived closer and it was just a matter of a couple of hours then I wouldn’t have an issue with it. However, that’s not the case here. It’s a 4h round trip, so an all day affair. Really he should say no, as you have a young baby and it’s your first Mother’s Day. I wouldn’t allow resentment to build over this or read anything into it. Just tell your DH that it’s not going to work given his other commitments.

As my DC get older I can appreciate it is nice to see them by themselves occasionally as when a partner is there it does change the dynamic.
However given you are a mum yourself, and it will take all day, I think it's unreasonable to do it on mother's day, unless there is extenuating circumstances.
Can DH get his siblings views

Its a power move to establish the position of matriarch.
Given you're a new mum, I would not let this happen.
Send her flowers from M&S or something. Day is spent with you and your child instead.

I may be in the minority but I wouldn’t mind this if DH wanted to spend time with his mother on Mother’s Day. It’s abit weird she doesn’t want to see the rest of you though.

I'm also about to have my first mother's day too. I'm not sure he's planned anything, but I would be hopping mad if he'd not only not planned anything but also abandoned us all day. That's just like basically every day when he goes to work... I don't mind him popping over to see his Mum - luckily we are close by, and indeed I have taken the lead in MIL's present - but I expect us to do something as our new little family and/or for him to take the lead for a couple of hours and let me have a break.

I’m not sure the point of Mother’s Day is to get shot of your children for a bit 😂

What is it about some women turning into absolute selfish nobheads when their son has a kid themselves?
no of course you shouldn’t be left to solo parent while he panders to his selfish mother. She is completely unreasonable and selfish.

OP says it’s a two hour journey to meet his mum, so evening wouldn’t work.

Obviously you don’t ask your son to leave his own partner on her first Mother’s Day as a mother. I mean obviously that’s not on.

Just beggars belief.

If you’re going to be with your child, and mum if she’s still around, it’s right that he should see his mum.

This. MiL is setting a precedent that she takes priority over the mothers of her grandkids. In this situation l’d expect my DH to tell her she’s not the only mother and any celebration should include partners and children.

It’s OP’s first mothers’ day and allowing this is setting a precedent.

There’s never an answer that keeps everyone happy for things like this. I couldn’t be arsed to have this as the hill I would die on but I’d say that he could look after the baby for Saturday (whole or part) while I went off and had some time to myself though, or planned something for the three of you for the Saturday (or following Sunday where it’ll be less busy in restaurants).

This would infuriate me as well so much! So bad of her to expect you to spend YOUR Mother’s Day solo parenting, and she gets exactly what she wants. She sounds like hard work. I’m glad your husband has said no, but frustrating they have that sort of dynamic where he now feels guilty for it.

Wow what varied responses. Start as you mean to go on. YOU are a mother now irregardless if your a baby was born yesterday or 9 months ago it’s your first Mother’s Day and DH will be with you. This same scenario may present along other holidays so this is a good time to start having conversations about DH/MIL and time. For me..I actually want my dc with me on MD so it would t be a bonus to have DH taken eith him. I want to celebrate as a family irregardless of dc age. MIL day with 4 hr drive plus lunch is the whole damn day so she is effectively taking all of MD from you. And lastly a PP suggested MIL may not realize it’s MD??? Yea I doubt that

Mil has already cut op out it would be sending very bad signals for ops dh to take the baby without her!!

When someone has been this thoughtless you need to help them see. Op in a nice way please chat to dh about this and say things are different now in future would he be able to either say no out right or stall mil to check with you first.

That's a hell of a stretch!