MIL wants DH to meet her on his own for Mother’s Day

[Sunshine202341]

DH mentioned the other day that his mum has asked if him and his two other siblings want to meet her on Sunday for Mother’s Day (partners not invited). We have a young baby and one of his siblings also has a child. It would be a full day trip for him as she lives 2 hours away. I obviously don’t have an issue with him meeting his mum, however I feel that it would be nice for us to spend Mother’s Day together as a family seeing as I am now a mum! Plus it means I’ll be on solo parenting duty that day. My own parents are on holiday that day. I feel like she hasn’t considered the siblings who now have their own young families. Can’t work out if AIBU or not?

I think your own mother needs to take a back seat on Mother's Day once you have your own children. The mother of your children should be your main focus, If he could nip off for a couple of hours max it might be different, but he can't, so he should say no. Or he should suggest that he and is siblings visit her together another day soon, in lieu of Mother's Day itself, when it won't leave you alone on a day that matters so much. Perhaps she assumed you'd be wanting to spend the day with your own mum.

Load of fuss about nothing really. All the posters saying they want their special day with their own
little family and then by the evening aibu will be full of then moaning about the day. It’s just a commercial opportunity.

I clicked on YABU in the poll by mistake, sorry OP, you definitely aren’t! Absolutely fine to want to your kids without their partners occasionally, but not on their first Mother’s Day as a mum!

My husband wouldn’t go because he was weaned from mummy 35 years ago but I appreciate that some men still haven’t reached that point.

That’s what her MIL is trying to do.

She's asked, it's up to your husband to give the right answer. Which imo would be "sorry mum. Don't want to leave Sunshine on her own on mother's day". No need for you to worry about it unless he doesn't say that, in which case you've a problem with him. Don't fall into the trap of seeing your MiL as your problem or rival. She asked her son to do something, it's completely on him how he deals with that to do right by you.

If MIL text DH and said do you want to go out for lunch on mother's Day DHs response would be we'd love to or ever already got plans but can do Saturday, I wouldn't expect her to name me on the invitation. How would she react if he messaged and said yes shall I book somewhere for all of us?

On the broader point, I really hope that I will continue to get some time alone with my children when they grow up if they have spouses and children. I actively enjoy spending time with them as people and would like to be able to occasionally speak more freely, enquire about their lives, reminisce, not always have to orientate the conversation towards being inclusive of 'new' members. OK, I wouldn't choose to do it on Mother's Day but it would make me cross if a continued one on one relationship was construed as controlling or 'not cutting the apron strings'.

I think a lot of mothers expect a lie in, or the chance to have a quiet cup of coffee or a nice long bath on Mother's Day!

There are lots of posts about Mother’s Day. I am a mum and am lucky my mum
is still here, but there has never been any pressure or expectation in any way. I have sometimes been with my DC, sometimes not, sometimes with mum, sometimes not. I don’t understand the fuss.

I think it’s lovely for them to take their mum out for lunch just the siblings. I don’t think Dh or BIL have spent any time alone with their mum since I came on the scene if not before, and Dh and I have been together 17 years! Literally never a lunch without partners and children or meeting for a coffee. It’s weird, frankly.

BUT two of her adult children now have Mothers Day to celebrate with their own young families. The baton gets passed. They should plan to do something next weekend or another time, but send cards and ring on the day.

@Sunshine202341 you are fortunate you have a supportive husband.

It must be hard in some ways on mothers when sons become fathers and wives and children are in the picture and they have to take a bit of a back seat or result to manipulative game playing as your MIL seems to do and mine too. Your DH has done right. My MIL would have DH down visiting every weekend if she could and it’s a similar distance. If some MIL’s could only see they would get more if they were also nice to DIL’s rather than always making it about themselves.

My MIL who is now elderly phoned DH recently and asked him to visit to help with something. He is unwell and aware he couldn’t do much so suggested that we would both go down and help. She turned round quick as a flash and said but SIL who also lives very near MIL only wants you and your brother to come down and help (she doesn’t want Ayeaye and other SIL there as well).

We argued and I didn’t go in the end and let her have her boys to herself. It then it turns out SIL just ignored MIL and went dowb anyway. MIL waited till she had everyone around her in earshot and said its a pity Ayeaye didn’t want to come down (tried to blame my not being there on me, but DH said the only reason Ayeaye isn’t here is because you expressly asked her not to come down of course she denied ever saying it and the next time she phoned DH she said its a shame about any misunderstanding about Ayeaye not visiting still effectively blaming me. I let it go.

You know you just click the opposite one to change your vote, right?

I think I see this a bit differently to most here. I lost my mum 5 years ago and would do anything to celebrate another Mother's Day with her.

I'd say it's BU not to let him go or to make him feel guilty for wanting to, especially if you do live a long way from her so he doesn't get to see her often. If your baby is only tiny and won't know any different does it really matter? My husband will be heading off to see his mum and I'll stay home and enjoy the day.

I think of Mother's Day being something for children to do to celebrate their mum's - make a card, make them breakfast in bed etc (although of course when they are little they might need help from dad to make a card and so on).

Maybe I'm just showing my age (late forties here!) and things have changed. Mother's Day seems way more commercial these days - all fancy meals out and partners expected to organise celebrations rather than just the kids making a wonky card or burning some toast for breakfast. Times change, I guess.

But it's Mother's Day! A day to celebrate your mum, not your wife 😅

I wouldn't think much of a man who didn't make an effort to see his mum on Mother's Day, tbh. Nothing to do with being 'weaned'.

The OPs kids too young to “celebrate” her. Therefore it’s on the husband. He should give her a day off-sleep in, cook breakfast, take her for lunch. Make a fuss to thank her for all she does for THEIR child.

It’s quite clear the Op’s mother in law wants to make sure Mother’s Day is all about her by not inviting her DIL. I am glad the DH isn’t going along with it.

Again, it isn't celebrate/make a fuss over your wife day!

There's is nothing wrong with giving your wife a break or a day off, showing gratitude for what they do - but it doesn't have to be on the one day a year mothers are celebrated by their children.

OP isn't his mum. It would be nice if he got a card on behalf of the baby, but honestly, why this day out of all days do you want your husband to give you a day off make a fuss over you and not see his own mum.

People can do what they like for Mother's Day. It's not up to me.

I do feel it's a bit odd that people seem to now treat it as a day where the husband has to make a fuss of his wife, rather than the ONE day a year where KIDS show their mum how important she is to them.

OP has a ‘young baby’ so may not be able to (or want to) send the baby away for the day.
It’s a 2hour trip, I wouldn’t have been away from DC at that point as was breastfeeding very frequently.

My MIL has a habit of doing this too. For her birthday she asked to do something with just her boys (partners and GC not invited). DH and I took her out for lunch and he told her he’d made a plan to take her out for the day with his brothers only, and she cried with joy, in front of me 🙃 her trying to erase me and my SIL’s is a bit of a pattern.

YANBU to not want your DH to leave you solo parenting on Mother’s Day. It would also be strange for him to take the baby, leaving you alone on Mother’s Day. In an ideal world you’d all live close enough that everyone can be visited but that just isn’t the case. Him seeing her on the Saturday is a great compromise.

Comments on here along the lines of “why is DH celebrating you instead of his mother” have to be disingenuous right? A faux naivety? A man’s priority is his wife and child, not his mother, even on Mother’s Day. He should be making an effort to appreciate his wife for all that she does for his children, in her role as a mother.

Why would you go if you knew she wanted to spend time with her son without you there?

It wouldn’t bother me at all. I’d be happy to have a family day on the Saturday.

How is it disingenuous?

I think there is a fundamental difference of opinion over what Mother's Day is.

You and lots of others seem to think: "He (husband) should be making an effort to appreciate his wife for all that she does for his children"

So I suppose, reading between the lines, you feel Mother's Day is about appreciation for the woman who gave birth to and cares for your children, rather than appreciation for your actual mother.

Whereas, I think it's a day for kids to show their mum how much they appreciate them and everything they have done for them.

Maybe women, especially those with younger children, feel like it's a day they should be prioritised by their husbands, which is fine if you're all on the same page, I suppose. I just think it's a bit mean that mum's can't have just ONE day a year.

A man's priority is his wife and child, of course. But I think Mother's Day should be about mum's being made of fuss of by their children. You don't just stop being a mum just because your children are grown up.

Do you not see your mums on Mother's Day?

Who says that mothers day is for those actively raising children.?. I made sure to see my own mother on mother's day if possible up until her death. I was almost 50 then

Couldn't agree more Gogogo12345

It's incredibly sad. I'd think maybe after you've lost your own mother, you gain clarity over what is important. Like you, I always saw my mum and saw my dad on Father's Day too (rather than make a fuss over my husband!). I'm glad I did.