MIL wants DH to meet her on his own for Mother’s Day

[Sunshine202341]

DH mentioned the other day that his mum has asked if him and his two other siblings want to meet her on Sunday for Mother’s Day (partners not invited). We have a young baby and one of his siblings also has a child. It would be a full day trip for him as she lives 2 hours away. I obviously don’t have an issue with him meeting his mum, however I feel that it would be nice for us to spend Mother’s Day together as a family seeing as I am now a mum! Plus it means I’ll be on solo parenting duty that day. My own parents are on holiday that day. I feel like she hasn’t considered the siblings who now have their own young families. Can’t work out if AIBU or not?

I think it's a really tricky situation.

Do you think anychance she wants to speak to them all together about something important. Or is very old ? Sick?
Does she have a habit of this type of behaviour or is this a random thing?
It would have been better if she made it Saturday or just the evening.

I would invite her over on the Saturday or suggest everyone meets up the next weekend.

She sounds thoughtless, and that’s being generous.

The issue is my DH feels guilty saying no to her! The dynamics are strange. But he has said that he will see her the day before instead.

She does this type of thing regularly. There is no news. She just likes to see her adult children on their own. Which is fine but having our own young children then throws up the issues of splitting parenting duties to make it work etc.

I think you’re not unreasonable to be upset but it sounds like DH has shut the idea down and suggested meeting on the Saturday, so everything is effectively sorted. It isn’t personal either, considering she also included DH’s sibling who also has a wife and children.

Yes she’s cheeky, yes she should of invited you all, but it’s sorted now x

How old is your DC? What do you mean by splitting parenting duties, it’s fine for DH to see him mum alone and for you to parent on your own every so often. You should also be able to have your own time whilst DH looks after your baby too x

Let him go and see his mother. Tell him that the next weekends he’s on duty looking after his child. If you’re breastfeeding do this and then relax or sleep at night whilst your dh does the rest.

I agree generally. But OP says “young baby” so potentially still on maternity leave. So she is perfectly fine looking after the baby by herself, she’s doing it 5 days a week (and potentially breastfeeding overnight) and might not want that to happen at the weekend as well.

YANBU - she is being ridiculous. Since I had DS (he is 9), DH and me see our mums separately on the day before Mother’s Day

I don’t really see a problem with this. Your baby is far too tiny to know what mothers’ day is, and there will be many many years to come when s/he understands the meaning and can make or buy you a present. I always thought that mothers’ day was about children showing appreciation for their mothers, rather than husbands or partners getting involved in organising things. Your mother in law is your husband’s mother, not you, and I think that while your baby is really young, he should be showing appreciation for his mum.

Oh okay, I missed that bit. I fully understand then, I’d be the same if I was still on mat leave

Good for your DH saying no to her. She's had decades of celebrating Mother's Day with him and his siblings – she should be supporting your DH in making sure that you, the mother of his new baby, has a lovely day instead.

As she hasn't specifically said "no partners", perhaps she is assuming that the partners (and children) are also included.

Every mum is different and some do not see Mother’s Day as a big deal which is absolutely fine but a lot of mums see their first Mother’s Day as a huge milestone, my DH made sure to make me feel celebrated as I did for him on Father’s Day. Baby might not remember, but the mum will.

After pregnancy losses I couldn’t wait to be a mum, Mother’s Day always felt hard whilst grieving so Mother’s Day with my own baby was a huge thing for me. As it is to other mums, even without going through loss

So she could do this any weekend basically and didn't need to make it mothers day . Which although is important. Can also be celebrated the day before .
But with young children it is nice to have a day that your other half takes more of the responsibility. Even if it's just having a nice long lie in and lunch sorted for you.

She’s clearly not wanting to let her children move away from her, emotionally. Many possible reasons for that. Watch out for this because there WILL come a time when your DH will have to choose between you and her, and whatever the outcome someone will be unhappy. It’s just a horribly position to put your children in.

On your first Mother’s Day your DH needs to be with you and baby all day to spoil you on behalf of baby and make the day special for you. His mum has had loads of Mother’s Days. It’s your turn now. End of.

This shouldn't be an unpopular opinion - it's spot on. I expect my adult children to prioritise themselves and daughters to enjoy being the centre of attention on that day. Occasionally it becomes a big multi generational family event but expecting your adult son to leave his children and their Mum is massively selfish.

Your MIL's kids need to state clearly to their mother that meeting like this are going to become less frequent now that you all have children.

She could have picked any other time so she is clearly just trying to pull rank.

Yes, that's what I thought @Commonsenseisnotsocommon

I totally get where you are coming from OP.

I see your updates and it’s sorted now?

But I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to want to spend time together on Mother’s Day especially your first one, it’s special for you.

She sounds very selfish. You could have had a nice family celebration together. She should feel blessed that her children have loving partners and have given her grandchildren. Being a Mother is about loving your children and not alienating their partners and children.

I think the first one is special though. And yes the baby is too young to know, but it’s special for the mum

I disagree - the day was always intended to be a day when children showed their appreciation for their mothers. The first time mothers’ day had any meaning for me was when my daughter was three and made me a card which she gave me with a handful of bluebells that she had picked from the garden. I would thought my husband was very strange if he’d celebrated the day with me in any way before then. But mothers’ day has become hideously over commercialised now, like so many other things. Being given a hand made card that was made with love is worth so much more to me than any shop bought present or meal out.

I just don't get mother's who do this! I would NEVER expect or ask my adult children, who had their own children to leave their own families and focus on me on Mother's Day! Yes, send me a card and give me a call (flowers not unwanted either 😂), but that's it.

My mil isn't quite as bad as this, but does still centre herself on days like this. Luckily my dh is very diplomatic and finds a low key way to include her, while still making me the focus of the day (giving me a rest from parenting young children!). You're in the hard slog of parenting and deserve to be celebrated, just tell your dh that you'd like him around to give you a restful day and not lumber you with solo parenting. He can go see his mum the day before or the following weekend.