MIL wants DH to meet her on his own for Mother’s Day

[Sunshine202341]

DH mentioned the other day that his mum has asked if him and his two other siblings want to meet her on Sunday for Mother’s Day (partners not invited). We have a young baby and one of his siblings also has a child. It would be a full day trip for him as she lives 2 hours away. I obviously don’t have an issue with him meeting his mum, however I feel that it would be nice for us to spend Mother’s Day together as a family seeing as I am now a mum! Plus it means I’ll be on solo parenting duty that day. My own parents are on holiday that day. I feel like she hasn’t considered the siblings who now have their own young families. Can’t work out if AIBU or not?

Of course YANBU! If you were invited then that would be very different but who invites their adult children and says their partners (and children) aren’t welcome?! She is 100% jealous and insecure.

What does your husband say about it all? Presumably she’s deliberately putting him in a position where he has to choose between her and you.

She sounds like a piece of work.

Your MIL is being very selfish and I agree with PP that it’s a power move to try to establish her position as matriarch. She’s being controlling. It’s the kind of thing my MIL would do. She even says stuff like “as the matriarch…” and “seeing as I’m the matriarch…” I just ignore it, because my husband isn’t a mummy’s boy, and it sounds like your husband has set things straight too.

This thread is mad. The woman wants to see her children on Mother’s Day. How can that be wrong?

the @Sunshine202341 can have a lovely time with her own wee one

I think it's worse if the DH/DW/DP actually wants to see their parent on M's/F's day and feels they dare not incase their respective other half loses their shit because of it.

Yes, agreed

Do you think the baby will manage to show appreciation or make a fuss of OP on Mother’s Day though? Or do you think the dad might need to give the baby a hand with it? Now do you see what’s disingenuous, or is it still a struggle?

It's not up to a DH to organise a mother's day for his wife. It's his job to organise one for his Mum. When the kids are older he should remind them to do something or buy something but not with a baby fgs. It won't be from the baby and there is no such celebration as a first mother's day.

What @Nevertrustacop said

I’m genuinely surprised at the comments saying things like there’s no celebration for a first Mother’s Day, it’s when kids are old enough to do something to show appreciation, and dads shouldn’t be focusing on their children’s mother but only on their own mother. I don’t know anyone who actually does this.

Good grief. OP might need to wait a few years. It's silly to say the dad will be giving the baby 'a hand with it'. A baby has no clue about Mother's Day. It really couldn't matter less to the baby. It's all about the OP's position as a mother to his child taking priority over his actual mother on Mother's Day. (Which is total valid interpretation of what Mother's Day means to certain people).

But I don't blame mums for wanting to see their adult children, who do understand the concept and meaning behind Mother's Day, rather than a wife getting upset because her husband's mum wanted to see him on Mother's Day, and the wife wanted him to 'help the baby' make a fuss of her instead.

Mother’s Day is traditionally a time to celebrate and appreciate your own mother. But, family traditions evolve, evidenced by this thread, and husbands seem to be expected to celebrate their wives for their role as mothers to their children (occasionally at the expense of seeing their own mother). Comments on this thread suggested mothers should step back it's now it's the wife's turn, Mother's Day is only for mothers actively raising children etc.)

It's a disconnect between how you and I view Mother's Day. I think it's about treating your mother to a special day. You seem to think it's about thanking a wife for giving birth and looking after your kids. That's fair enough. Your take is different to mine. It's not disingenuous.

Why do people buy into this commercial nonsense? It’s just another day? if you only see one day year as special for Mother’s then there’s a problem.

Do you see your mother?

YANBU. She's rediculous thinking he should leave you alone all day with the baby on your first mother's day. Sounds like he's handled it perfectly though, offering to visit another day instead. Good that he can set a different expectation now that he has his own family.

My point is that it’s a day that people choose to make mothers feel special and appreciated. Who makes sure OP feels special and appreciated as a mother? It obviously has to be the other adult in the family for the first few years, and it would be pretty inconsiderate not to make the effort. It’s possible to do nice things for your own mother and your partner, they’re not mutually exclusive (although OP’s MIL was trying to make it so).

No.

I think you’re confused. I didn’t attend the birthday celebration that she had requested be with her boys only. I took her out for lunch a week or so before, with my DH and our DD. That lunch was nothing to do with her birthday. We take her out regularly.

It’s disingenuous because on the one hand you are saying the day should be about celebrating one’s mother, and on the other you are saying that OP should either be left alone to solo parent on that day, or that the baby should be taken away too and she should spend the day alone (I.e she is not being celebrated at all). Both OP and her MIL are mothers. Both deserve to have a fuss made of them on the day. If that is not possible due to distance, and the baby is unable to spoil their mother themselves, then DH should be prioritising his wife’s experience over his mothers.

We’re really lucky in that we live within half an hour of both of our mothers. We see MIL in the morning, my mum in the afternoon and then DH sorts a special tea for me in the evening.

Lots of women with and without child like to spend the day with their own mums without their partner tagging along, I really dont get this territorial thing that seems to happen when people get into relationships, everyone else does not vanish because you shack up with someone or have a child with them, there is no law that says you can't do things on other days what you would do on MD

Ans yes this is 100% sexist but this MIL v DIL competition that seems to happen a lot is just plain weird, MD or not

And I'd absolutely agree with that. And if the dad buys a card, get some flowers 'from the baby/child' etc it's a nice gesture. But to me that's a husband showing his wife she is appreciated and not really the basis of what Mother's Day is all about to me.

I think in general views have shifted and most people share your attitude towards Mother's Day now. I just think it's a shame that it's shifted away from children celebrating their mother's to husbands celebrating their wives (- although I do think there could be more of that!)

No at all. I'm saying IMO people in general/ children should celebrate their mother (rather than celebrating their wives for fulfilling the role of a mother). It's not that difficult a concept to grasp. You feel differently. That's fine.

I don't think I said OP should be left alone all day. I'd have assumed women would spend the day with their own mothers if they are still alive and they get along, or in the best case scenario work out a compromise that works for everyone like you've done.

Obviously a baby currently is too young to celebrate their mother. That's ok. They'll be able to as they get older.

I'm allowed to have a different view to you and to offer my opinion when OP asked for opinions in AIBU.

It isn't disingenuous to have a different opinion. To suggest otherwise is daft.

This is the crux of it and what personally I don't agree with: "If that is not possible due to distance, and the baby is unable to spoil their mother themselves, then DH should be prioritising his wife’s experience over his mothers."

I feel Mother's Day has morphed into something where her DH now has to prioritise his wife on Mother's Day - i.e. celebrating his wives for fulfilling the role of a mother rather than his mother.

Couples have baby's first everything to share together, wedding anniversaries, birthdays etc. It's just one day for your mother and it shouldn't stop or be overridden because you got married and had children of your own IMO. If you think differently, that's fine. It doesn't make me disingenuous.

Ah OK

My sons take me out for a meal for Mothering Sunday, before the actual day. This means they can spend the day with their own families.

This is absolutely the right way to do things. Your DH needs to do something similar for his mum and then spend the day spoiling you.

So what happens on fathers day?

Does the dad go off alone to see his parents again, leaving his wife to look after the babies? How wonderful for her.

Or does the mom leave him to look after the babies so she can see her dad?

Father's have always helped their young children to show appreciation for their mother/his wife on mother's day. She's the central mother in his life once they have children together.

What do you think happens? People celebrate and make a fuss over their fathers. So hopefully OP would see her dad and her DH would see his dad. Exactly the same as Mother's Day.

Parents can decide between them who looks after the child. Ideally they could all go out together if they live close enough.

Again, you don't stop being a mother/father just because your children marry and have children of their own.

"She's the central mother in his life once they have children together." I don't agree. She is his wife. That's an important role (probably the most important relationship after your children) but no she doesn't become the central mother in his life. She is his wife. She doesn't need to usurp his mother in his life.

This thread is eye-opening. I'm pretty surprised at how many young mothers expect to be the main focus for their husbands on mother's day. I think the meaning behind Mother's Day has changed a lot over the years.

What do you think should happen on Father's Day?

She wanted to show who is the more / most important woman in their lives...