MIL wants DH to meet her on his own for Mother’s Day

[Sunshine202341]

DH mentioned the other day that his mum has asked if him and his two other siblings want to meet her on Sunday for Mother’s Day (partners not invited). We have a young baby and one of his siblings also has a child. It would be a full day trip for him as she lives 2 hours away. I obviously don’t have an issue with him meeting his mum, however I feel that it would be nice for us to spend Mother’s Day together as a family seeing as I am now a mum! Plus it means I’ll be on solo parenting duty that day. My own parents are on holiday that day. I feel like she hasn’t considered the siblings who now have their own young families. Can’t work out if AIBU or not?

My dh would say no, I’ll be parenting and giving sunshine a break since a baby is a lot of work, we could all come out Saturday or the next weekend , or you could come our way for afternoon tea?

As They are all adults surely an evening meet up will work well for them so they get to spend the day with their own families?

I can sympathise with sometimes wanting to see your own child or children without their partners, but in adult life most couples come as a package deal. And Mother’s Day is a terrible choice when your children have children of their own.

Also, if it’s your first Mother’s Day day pointedly does that mean you haven’t planned anything for my first Mother’s Day? I’ll remember that for Father’s Day when I suggest I disappear for the day and leave you to look after the kids- at least that’s bonding time you don’t get every day, while I get it 24/7 at the moment so some co parenting would really be nice.

I wouldn’t mind my husband doing it but I know he wouldn’t agree to do it actually ON mothers day, we’d spend that day together and they would arrange another day/evening

Yanbu. That’s an odd ask. I guess as long as you get a little something from the kids in the morning it’s ok but it’s an odd thing to ask. I always include my kids partners in family life. Who tells their own son she doesn’t want to see his wife and kids?

What’s he said to her? You’re obviously not wrong.

Excellent solution. Mil can't accuse you of hogging him then and you still get the day together with him spoiling you for Mother's Day. I don't know why she didn't invite you all though. Seems like a power play to me.

Do you think she has some private news to impart ? Illness / inheritance etc Children first , maybe . What does she normally want .

This. My DH would say no sorry mum whilst she was on the phone to him.

What an incredibly thoughtless/selfish woman your mil is. She could have picked any other time so she is clearly just trying to pull rank. Yes she's a mother too but to give her sons partners with little ones absolutely no consideration shows how self absorbed she is and happy to put her sons in a tug of war.

Your MIL doesn't like you very much it seems! So inconsiderate.

A lunch or dinner on the Saturday seems reasonable. I would then spend that time with my own mum along with baby.

I think MIL is cheeky and obviously unreasonable as it’s Mother’s Day and 2 of her kids have children and a wife of their own

But I would say DH is the most unreasonable for not shutting down the idea or saying “no its OP’s Mother’s Day and I can’t leave her all day, I’d want to be with her and have plans to make it special with DC, maybe we can meet on the Saturday or next weekend”

I’m surprised partners and grandchildren weren’t invited too. Especially given that they are her grandchildren, and it is also Mother’s Day for you. Only comparing to what we do, on Mother’s Day we have lunch at my Mum’s (my husband, children, both my siblings and their partners are invited), vice versa on Father’s Day. We used to visit my FIL when he was still alive and take him out for lunch, he was always pleased to see me and our children too (who of course wanted to be with their Dad on the day).

I like the previous poster’s suggestion about them all doing something in the evening. I have for example attended an evening 21st birthday meal for my younger sister alone whilst my DH stayed at home with our then 1 year old.

Grandmothers who expect their adult children to prioritise them over mothers with young children on Mother’s Day need to get over themselves imo.
My DH wouldn’t leave me with a young baby to look after on my own all day on Mother’s Day - thats just like a regular day on maternity leave.

Strange that she would ask this of him on your first Mother's Day. My Dh would have said I would love to see you but this is my wife's first Mother's Day as we are doing something together. However, she would never have done this.

My own lovely Mum and MIL understood that this was going to start being a logistical nightmare if everyone is trying to see their Mum on Mother's Day as I also have 2 siblings who have children and who we would all have to negotiate with and they also have husbands and wives who also might want to see their own Mothers too. My BIL is one of 6 children, imagine that chaos of all trying to see their Mum.

Basically Mother's Day itself became just immediate family so me, Dh the boys. I saw my Mum and MIL regularly anyway and celebrated them all the time, it doesn't have to happen on one day.

YANBU and I think this is really selfish of MIL.

I woukd expect my partner to be with his mum if that’s what they both wanted .
Just like you would want your own child to be with you

Perhaps this is an unpopular opinion but I think once your children become adults and have wives and children of their own you should take the expectation off on Mother’s Day, step back and acknowledge you’ve had your time with your young DC to celebrate and now it’s your daughters or your DIL’s time to be celebrated.

I'd expect my DH to say "no, I'd love to do it another time, but I shall be spending Mother's Day with DW and DC." Possibly adding that's she's welcome to join you (if she is).

It's fine to ask as long as it's only a suggestion and she is perfectly happy for people to say "no".

Slightly against the grain, but IMO Mothers' Day with a baby is a bit of a non-event, and I would have suggested that DH took the baby to his mum's and given me a day to relax :)

It depends really if you want to foster a culture of honouring Mothers or a culture of dumping Mothers once you get a wife. Honouring older mothers as well as younger mothers would take some generosity and ingenuity.

To update, he has said to her that he can see her the day before instead (still means a full day trip) and he is going to take me and DC out for lunch Mother’s Day instead. I’ll be solo parenting Saturday instead. But we will manage.

I do wonder why she would think her kids with their own young children should leave their new family at home on mother’s days to meet her alone. At least extend the invite to the partners. She hasn’t said ‘no partners’ but she just hasn’t invited them if that makes sense. It’s been a direct message to her siblings asking if they want to meet her on Sunday for lunch.

The other issue is DH always seems to feel guilty when he can’t manage plans she ha suggested which is frustrating.

I think what your DH has said is important before this is declared as a MIL issue. She can ask for what she wants all she likes, but your DH should be putting you first in this instance I think.

If he has meekly agreed to this without considering you at all, you have a DH problem.

(Crossposted with OP)

Is it your first mothers day?
If so, my DH would not go, I don't think he would go anyway. First mothers day is more of a reason not to go. Your baby isn't old enough to buy presents and look after you for the day, so its your DH responsibility to do that on their behalf.

Mothers day for us is about spending it as DH, me and the children. This year my parents and grandparents are coming to us for Sunday lunch, only because my parents visiting coincides with mothers day. Usually we spend it apart as they live about 3 hours away.