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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think BIL & SIL aren’t ready to adopt??

240 replies

RegularBandicoot · 26/03/2025 12:06

Ok so name change for this cos it’s obvs sensitive. My BIL and SIL (DH’s bro & his wife) are about to adopt a LO and honestly I don’t think they have a clue what they’re in for. They’ve been talking about it for ages but it’s like they think it’s just the same as having a baby naturally and they’ll just slot the child into their life like nothing’s different. They’re lovely ppl but they can be quite selfish tbh, v focused on their careers and hobbies etc and I don’t think they realise how much their life is going to change.

They keep saying things like “we’re so excited to finally be parents” and “we can’t wait to bring them home” which is obvs nice but they never mention the actual child and what THEY might be feeling?? Like hello, this poor LO is being taken from everything they’ve ever known, it’s not just about you getting a family fgs. They’ve only done the bare minimum of reading about trauma etc and don’t seem to think it’ll be a big issue cos “kids are resilient” (their words not mine).

Also they’re adopting a toddler which surely comes with extra challenges?? They’ve never even looked after a baby overnight let alone a 2yo who might have loads of attachment issues. SIL keeps going on about how she can’t wait to take them on holiday next year and BIL is excited to get them into sports, but like, maybe focus on actually helping the child settle first?? Idk maybe I’m overthinking but it just seems naive.

AIBU to worry they’re not prepared or should I just keep my mouth shut?? I don’t wanna be unsupportive but I feel like they’re seeing it as a fun new life stage rather than actually becoming parents to a child who’s been through a lot. DH says to leave them to it but I can’t stop thinking about it. Anyone got experience with this??

(Posting and running cos gotta do school run but will be back later to reply!)

OP posts:
aster10 · 26/03/2025 15:27

Most of us are relatively clueless about parenting until we become parents. I was relatively clueless until my twins were born, and my DH too, and we’re all fine (and thriving). I’m excited for them to be approved! We all pick it up as we go along.

aster10 · 26/03/2025 15:28

Upbiffa · 26/03/2025 12:11

Fucking hell. I don't think any parent really knows what they're in for, but being so mean and judgemental about them before the little one even arrives seems cruel.

They will have been through a hell of a time with the adoption process, training, assessments, all sorts.

It's awful for you to say they've been selfish by focusing on their careers.

I hope you don't voice your nastiness! Just be supportive and kind.

This!

Ghosttofu99 · 26/03/2025 15:32

When most people give birth to a baby it doesn’t just slot in with their lives, our lives are reshapes around our children. So, yes it will be harder than expected, and maybe even a shock to the system but that will be the same as anyone else who has children and so I don’t think that necessarily means they aren’t ready.

FarmGirl78 · 26/03/2025 15:44

It's exactly the same as me saying I'm looking forward to going in holiday. I'll talk about the sights I want to see and all the plans I have on places to visit. It doesn't mean I don't understand the boring stuff like getting through security and passport control, avoiding getting mugged and how painful it'll be when I get ridiculously sunburnt on the first day.

Credit then with a bit of nouse and show enthusiasm and support too.

Carodebalo · 26/03/2025 15:45

Lots of people don’t really get what they’re in for until baby is born. I think I understand your worries, but let them enjoy the process, and hopefully they will get with the program once the child is there. You can be the lovely and helpful aunt!

DazzlingCuckoos · 26/03/2025 15:47

EdinburghTimezone · 26/03/2025 12:09

I wonder which country you are in. The adoption vetting process is pretty stringent in the UK and it would be very surprising for this couple to have got so far without considering the implications of taking a traumatised toddler into their home.

This exactly. It could be that they're of course nervous and apprehensive of the difficulties that might be coming their way and are instead focussing on the end goal of a happy family.

Just as with social media, you don't know the discussions and conversations that go on behind closed doors.

PopeJoan2 · 26/03/2025 15:52

Does anyone know what being a parent entails before they have their DC? Isn’t everyone excited to welcome their Leo’s to the world. Why should this be different for them?

Lostcat · 26/03/2025 15:53

Having been through the rigorous adopting vetting process they are presumably far more prepared for the challenges of parenting than the average parent. Be supportive!!

CarefulN0w · 26/03/2025 15:58

Ghosttofu99 · 26/03/2025 15:32

When most people give birth to a baby it doesn’t just slot in with their lives, our lives are reshapes around our children. So, yes it will be harder than expected, and maybe even a shock to the system but that will be the same as anyone else who has children and so I don’t think that necessarily means they aren’t ready.

I think the thing with birthed children is that we are able to learn along with them. Tiny babies actual needs are mostly straightforward - if terrifying - when you are new to it. A toddler or older child with language and experiences is a very different situation. It’s not enough to muddle through. The child needs adults that can cope straight away.

muggart · 26/03/2025 16:00

Some people surprise you, they can seem totally unsuited to parenthood and then just take to it brilliantly. Let’s hope that happens!

ScottsBones · 26/03/2025 16:15

TBH you lost me at "wanna" & "gotta" but I strongly feel this is none of your business.

They will have jumped through many hoops to get to this point and will be supported way more than any other non-adoptive parents. Also don't believe the image they are portraying to the outside world.

Wishboneswishes · 26/03/2025 16:17

You sound very judgey OP. As PPs have said, the process to adopt is a minefield of hoop jumping.
It’s lovely to hear how excited they are. New parents never know what’s in store but they’ll soon find out!
How about you listen to your DH. Talk to them and be supportive and not critical. I’m also wondering if you are jealous of them?

BigDeepBreaths · 26/03/2025 16:19

You sound so judgmental.

What you have written about them you could have written about every expectant parent ever. Totally normal things to say.

Why should they share their worries with you? Of course they will be thinking about the hard side but they dont owe you their thoughts. Glad you are not my sibling.

NoTouch · 26/03/2025 16:21

My dsis adopted a few years back.

The vetting and education process around adoption is pretty intense and covers everything you have mentioned and a lot more, they will know exactly what they are getting into.

What they might not want to do, or have reasons why they do not want to, share that with you.

Your job is to support them, not judge them.

KimberleyClark · 26/03/2025 16:23

8 pages and OP has not been back. Have we been had?

SL2924 · 26/03/2025 16:25

If they are going through the adoption process it will be stringent and gruelling. Focusing on the fun aspects of family life that the have to look forward to isn’t a bad thing. I don’t remember any test where I had to have looked after a baby overnight before I had my child…
most people are clueless before they have a child.
Are you jealous of their careers and hobbies?

Clumsykitten · 26/03/2025 16:26

Honestly, you come across so badly in this post. You sound almost jealous, very judgemental and like the worst type of “just wait” parent trying to ruin people’s enjoyment and anticipation.

Yes, adoption is hard. Parenting is hard. Yes people without children often have more time for hobbies, but also they do lots of other things, other caring responsibilities, work, volunteering. No, that doesn’t make them selfish. Adoption isn’t for everyone and they have obviously been through the gruelling checks and panels to be approved. If they can’t be positive and look forward to it now, that would be sad. Is that what you want? Are you jealous that your children won’t be the only kids / centre of attention? Have you enjoyed being the only ones who have kids?

Of course it will be hard. It’s your choice whether you want to be supportive and positive.

LizzieW1969 · 26/03/2025 16:26

Come on, it’s fine for them to be excited about holiday with her adopted child. Yes, it will be hard. I’m an adoptive mum with 2 DDs of 16 and 13 and we’re going through a very difficult time right now. (I’ve spoken about this on another thread.) But we’ve had some wonderful holidays over the years, and we’ll hopefully be in a place to go on holiday again this summer.

They will need your support in the future, as some things will come as a shock. But for the moment, surely it would be better to just share their joy? Because it really is an exciting time, especially when they’ve been through years of disappointment and then a gruelling adoption process.

Imisscoffee2021 · 26/03/2025 16:29

As others have said, theyre like everyone looking forward to a first child day dreaming of the good things, and like everyone else will get their dose of hard reality when they begin parenting 😅 the difference is they, as adopters, will have lots of support as will the child, and they'll have been vetted. Let them look forward to the things everyone else does.

BigDeepBreaths · 26/03/2025 16:30

CarefulN0w · 26/03/2025 15:58

I think the thing with birthed children is that we are able to learn along with them. Tiny babies actual needs are mostly straightforward - if terrifying - when you are new to it. A toddler or older child with language and experiences is a very different situation. It’s not enough to muddle through. The child needs adults that can cope straight away.

Show quote history

In an ideal world yes. But you will never find adopters who are perfectly cut out to cope with all and anything from day one.

Sadly, even kids who need adopting are not owed “perfect parents”.

Maybe OP would prefer we went back to the days of kids being dumped in an orpanage or with a bunch of nuns or priests to spare this child the ordeal of being raised by her family.

Clumsykitten · 26/03/2025 16:38

CarefulN0w · 26/03/2025 15:58

I think the thing with birthed children is that we are able to learn along with them. Tiny babies actual needs are mostly straightforward - if terrifying - when you are new to it. A toddler or older child with language and experiences is a very different situation. It’s not enough to muddle through. The child needs adults that can cope straight away.

Show quote history

The problem is that this kind of comment demonstrates the total lack of understanding people have of the breadth and complexity of parenting experiences. Kids aren’t separated into “damaged adoptees” and “totally fine”. Children are born with complex health needs and disabilities. Families have all kinds of challenges. Not everyone gets a “mostly straightforward” newborn. And yes, those of us whose kids have complex needs also have to muddle through.

Delphiniumandlupins · 26/03/2025 16:40

Would you be as critical of their preparedness if this was a pregnancy they were going through? Just because they're excited and happy doesn't mean they haven't considered the potential pitfalls. Have you planned how you will support and help the new family?

Brefugee · 26/03/2025 16:42

have only read page 1: butt out op.
Do not yuk on their yum as the internet puts it these days.

Gowlett · 26/03/2025 16:43

I think it’s great that they’re excited / enthusiastic.

Sounds like they want to give their child a good life.

Nobody has any idea when they first have a baby.

Being a toddler, it’s different, but they’ll have support.

autisticbookworm · 26/03/2025 16:45

just because they are sharing the positives with you doesn’t mean they haven’t thought about the hard stuff. Why do you want to bring them down? No parent ever knows how things are going to pan out but if everyone feared the worst far less people would have babies. Enjoy the experience with them and be there to support if they need it.