AIBU to think BIL & SIL aren’t ready to adopt??

[RegularBandicoot]

Ok so name change for this cos it’s obvs sensitive. My BIL and SIL (DH’s bro & his wife) are about to adopt a LO and honestly I don’t think they have a clue what they’re in for. They’ve been talking about it for ages but it’s like they think it’s just the same as having a baby naturally and they’ll just slot the child into their life like nothing’s different. They’re lovely ppl but they can be quite selfish tbh, v focused on their careers and hobbies etc and I don’t think they realise how much their life is going to change.

They keep saying things like “we’re so excited to finally be parents” and “we can’t wait to bring them home” which is obvs nice but they never mention the actual child and what THEY might be feeling?? Like hello, this poor LO is being taken from everything they’ve ever known, it’s not just about you getting a family fgs. They’ve only done the bare minimum of reading about trauma etc and don’t seem to think it’ll be a big issue cos “kids are resilient” (their words not mine).

Also they’re adopting a toddler which surely comes with extra challenges?? They’ve never even looked after a baby overnight let alone a 2yo who might have loads of attachment issues. SIL keeps going on about how she can’t wait to take them on holiday next year and BIL is excited to get them into sports, but like, maybe focus on actually helping the child settle first?? Idk maybe I’m overthinking but it just seems naive.

AIBU to worry they’re not prepared or should I just keep my mouth shut?? I don’t wanna be unsupportive but I feel like they’re seeing it as a fun new life stage rather than actually becoming parents to a child who’s been through a lot. DH says to leave them to it but I can’t stop thinking about it. Anyone got experience with this??

(Posting and running cos gotta do school run but will be back later to reply!)

This is so incredibly naive, and very Christian missionary-esque. Of course prospective adopters have to have "thought things through"! And adoption is not "heroic" either, people with this attitude will not be approved to be adoptive parents. Adoptions do sadly break down (where the child is 'given back'), which is why it the approval process in the UK is very arduous and usually involves getting references from family members, ex partners and so on. There should be a lot of reading around the trauma and attachment issues that are very part and parcel of a child who has been through the care system experiences.

I agree with you; a lot of adoptions break down, and the kids end back in the care system. These are the children most likely to end up in secure units and whose life chances are really really poor. Plus, the idea of being excited about a toddler suffering such huge trauma is very distasteful; it's a bit like rejoicing over a donor organ without even thinking about the person who died.

Of course you should keep your mouth shut! It’s absolutely none of your business, it would be a massive overstep.

How do you know what conversations they’ve had between themselves, and with the officials dealing with the adoption? You don’t. Why would they need to share this with you? It’s not your concern, and your opinion has no significance.

OP, you sound completely unhinged as well as a bit spiteful & resentful.

These things all sound completely normal, how incredible that they're adopting, good on them!! They haven't got experience because they haven't got children, what do you expect them to do, rent a toddler for a couple of weeks to trial it first?

Let the social workers investigate if they're ready, your job is to provide moral support where/if needed to them

What a horrible post 😔

How would you have felt to know your family were talking about you in this way, prior to you becoming a parent? Judging your ability.

Only they will know the full background of their child, and it's not true to say that ALL adopted children present with trauma (a lot of this stuff is theory, asserted in an 'err on the side of caution' fashion). I happen to think their approach is the best one. Yes be prepared for challenge, however defining a child by their adoptive status is asking for trouble.
Ultimately, none of it is any of your business whatsoever. Wish them well, and concentrate on your own parenting.

I don't know OP, you might be right in your instincts. I have known hundreds of adopters and there are a high percentage who do the training, say all the right things and seem like model adopters...then they hit rocks on the road and it turns out they never believed it would happen to them, they thought it just happened to other people and they would somehow be different. They just wanted to be parents and it was a means to an end. But of course they knew better than to tell the assessing social workers that.
All the therapeutic parenting and life story sharing they said they would do never happens. When the child comes home they just want to act like the whole adoption and child's other backstory never existed.
They never read the paper work properly so when a child does X and you suggest Y is the cause they say "we never knew Y happened! No one told us!" When it's mentioned throughout the documents.
They agree to contact plans they have no intention of doing.
I've had adopters asking about a child's background and come out with "is it just neglect?" And they are approved adopters.
Hopefully OP your BIL and SIL are not like those adopters, and the majority are not, have their eyes as open as they can and the right intentions.

They need to be excited and they should be. Adopted children are more than their backgrounds and seeing their positives is great. The good moments are what will see them through the storms.

I think the OP is hoping they'll have problems, OMG, they've not read a book(!), and then her opinions are validated.
I don't think people now realise that the baby money-making industry didn't used to exist, I do inwardly laugh at things like sleep consultants etc.. I had two children, never read a book about being pregnant, rearing babies etc., never asked others for their unqualified opinions eg MN, did what felt right having never even touched a baby before, not even seen a nappy being changed and they both survived.
Maybe give them a chance, the qualified people, ie the adoption authorities, trust them and that's the opinion which matters.

It is very much expected/anticipated that any LAC will have some sort of manifestation of trauma. At the very least, separation from the birth mother and then foster carer(s). Most have also experienced neglect/abuse/ and many also substance abuse and DV.

OP you are quite right. I was chatting to a woman who fosters (not quite the same I know) and she said something similar about couples coming into the training course and it's all about THEM. They said kids are resilient but it's clear they are not resilient and expect this picture perfect, fully rounded grateful child that they want to spoil.

They don't consider the extra challenges this child has faced and trauma they will be carrying.

However in your case, I'd suggest keeping my mouth firmly closed on this matter however frustrated you feel.

The reality is, most new parents don't have a clue how to be parents until they are parents especially if additional needs come into play. But they figure it out and so will your relatives.

Congratulations and I wish all of you all the best.

I think posters saying the OP is judgemental actually have no idea.
What I saw was a list kf things she found unsettling. Which, let’s be honest,Nate all fair comments.

Now it might that they dint want to talk about their worries with the OP and keep it breezy.

They might have been burnt out with other people getting ‘compassion fatigue’ and have decided to not talk to ANYONE about their worries, just their hopes.

It might be that they are utterly naive, like most parents to be. Many parents will have said the exact same thing than those soon to be parents.

It might be that the training/evaluation process wasnt that good. And actually they aren’t ready.

There is nothing imo in the OP that points more towards one thing more than the other.
Everything else is just speculation. Which MN can be very good at as well as being extremely judgemental towards posters (and yes the hypocrisy about being judgemental about something you think is judgemental hasn’t escaped me).

If the OP is indeed being truthful then of course it's very concerning and her business. The LA usually get references from close family, so I'm surprised the OP hasn't been asked to give her opinion already.

I don’t know if there is a drip feed coming, but otherwise it sounds like you are being a bit harsh. We are all naive when we first become parents aren’t we? The reality pretty quickly makes itself known. Obviously a two year old who is being adopted is a different situation and it is possibly of concern if they are minimizing that, but they may just be trying to positive when speaking to others. They aren’t going to sit around at this stage saying how terrible it’s all going to be. I think unless there is a lot more to this than you have said then you should let them get on with it. Give the child and them the best chance by being non judgmental but ready to step in and support wherever it might be needed.

They’re not telling you about their worries for all the reasons people have flagged on this thread. And to avoid some of the posts seen on this thread, too — ‘Aren’t you heroic, snatching a child from the jaws of hell?’ and the ‘I know a couple who disrupted their adoption’, ‘Adopted children are ALL DAMAGED’ and ‘My adoptive parents mistreated me’ ones etc.

Assuming they’re adopting now, in the UK, they will have been through a process which overwhelmingly focuses on negatives, for understandable reasons. They’ll have read The Primal Wound, they’ll be well aware that adoption involves trauma, and that the child has had a life before them with birth parents and fosterers, and they’ll have had to consider questions most of us have never had to think about — ‘Would you consider a child conceived as a result of rape?’ ‘Would you consider a child with x intellectual disability?’ A child who was exposed to alcohol to a degree we can’t determine in utero? Etc.

It’s hardly surprising that they’re choosing to focus on excitement in your company.

The 'primal wound'? I'm afraid I don't buy into that theory, and indeed I see the folly for the children of parents who do. Confusing and complex messages about adoption and tummy mummies fed to toddlers on a daily basis, instead of letting them catch their breath and embrace their new family. And they wonder why they have an increasingly conflicted child? The road to hell is paved with good intentions, eh...

Contrary to popular belief, there are still many children in the under 2 age range (babies) who have been in foster since birth, with no background of drugs/alcohol (poverty ergo neglect, poor education, intellect - families well known to their local authority, among other reasons). These children do not present in the same way as a 6 year old who has been repeatedly, and unsuccessfully, rehabed back to their birth family.

I’d be a bit concerned if they were worrying about all the challenges ahead rather than the joy of a new addition. Of course it will be hard but they are doing this because they want a child to love and are willing to take on the responsibility of raising that child.

They'll have to have jumped through a gazillion hoops to get to this stage! I'm sure they're giving you the glossy "we're thrilled!" face, but are bricking it inside.

A good friend from teaching has just embarked on this process recently. She's been teaching primary school for yonks, but they got turned down at first because her husband didn't have enough experience with babies... Isn't pretty much everyone inexperienced with babies to start with!?

They don't give little kids to just anyone.

I think this is a case of MYOB.

Politely I think you need to keep your mouth shut and opinions to yourself.
It will be a learning curve for both them and the child to settle in to their new routine and get to know each other

I would hope they’ve been thoroughly vetted and have been counselled by social services on how hard it can be to raise a child you’re not bonded with, and often who will have attachment and behavioural issues.

The poor child will need a lot of love, time, respect and most importantly patience. Please take a close interest and be an involved Aunt.

YABU- my best friend adopted and she had to jump through hoops. They didn’t just hand her a baby.

Do you want them to go into this in a negative headspace? I’m sure they are more than aware of all of the challenges this will bring, and have privately discussed this together. That doesn’t mean they can’t express their excitement at having a child? Weird thread.

Nobody is prepared to become a parent so they are no different to anyone else! 🙃

The similarity is in the apprehension from existing parents that adoptive parents aren’t aware of the challenges ahead of them, exactly what the OP is about. I make no judgement about that. I’m just noting the apprehension.

I’m an adoptive parent. Months and months of the intrusive and stressful assessment period, and the mandatory training, made me quite aware of potential issues. I was also a giddy kipper when my LO was due to come home. I was excited about all the things that birth parents are excited about. I was also scared and worried but I didn’t share that with anyone beyond DH and my social worker.
Let them be excited and join in with them. Why wouldn’t you? It would be much stranger if they weren’t excited. Your post says far more about you than them.

And for what it’s worth, my child is wonderful and thriving and our lives are not really different to anyone else’s.

Well you just sound jealous there allowed to be happy 😊

I don't know, maybe I can say this as an adopter where others can't but I think OP's getting a bit of a needlessly hard time / flaming on here from posters who seem to (naively perhaps) have every faith that the UK adoption system couldn't possibly allow a hopelessly under-prepared and blase couple to be unsuitably matched with a traumatised child they don't have the capability to parent and it all end horribly. Sadly I have seen exactly this happen too often, sometimes it all works out OK in the end, but more by luck than judgement and the stakes are way too high IMO to trust to blind luck.

The thing is where you have humans (both prospective parents and social workers) involved in all their glorious messiness and laziness and selfishness and stupidity, bad decisions do sometimes get made even where there are good intentions. The only adoption disruption I have personally heard of in my circle was horribly forseeable in hindsight, the adopters were a lovely sweet couple but the woman was terribly highly strung and fraught from their extensive fertility struggles and had hugely high expectations of herself and how she would be as a mother (the man was more passive and I suspect not that fussed about being parent, moreso needed his wife to have a child and really sad/angry about his inability to do that the normal way but not really able and willing to step up to do much actual parenting) - they were the gold star couple in the social worker's eyes, the woman had read every manual and trauma book and journal article going, could virtually recite the textbook at you about attachment theory and restorative parenting and they said all the right things doubtless in their assessments, she was totally convinced she was going to do everything perfectly and everything would be perfect, he thought everything would be fine just so long as they got a child, any child - the child they were matched with was presented to them as very easy and low risk, only a bit older than average for adoption and needing love and good boundaries, well there can only have some piss poor lazy social work there because that poor child absolutely was not ready or suited in any way to live in a traditional family set-up or to be adopted at all probably, or certainly not with as tightly wound and rigid a mother or unbothered/distant a father as they got. It all went disastrously wrong, car crash of a situation, broke up their marriage as well as disrupting the adoption and yet apparently no-one had seen it coming or did anything to prevent it (and it would have been easily preventable), well some of us that knew them did wonder but no-one felt it was their place to say anything. I do wonder if that couple's family or close friends must have had their doubts and yet of course the clear message here and elsewhere is mind your own business, don't get involved. I do think by the time they're approved and matched with a child is probably way too late but is it helpful to assume any relative with any doubts at all is evil and controlling and interfering, I don't know?

All of your concerns are absolutely spot on, but really you just need to be as supportive as you can right now. They’re going to need that support if/when the reality hits.
They will be going through a very thorough process, so leave it to the professionals to identify and deal with their naivety.