Day off for dads death

[Noideawhatimdoing40]

My son is 12 and his dad died almost 3 years ago. Next week is the anniversary of his death and he has asked if he can stay home for the day. Aibu sending him in? He’s got full attendance so far and is a great kid all round, but hates school despite being incredibly studious. Please can I have honest opinions. I feel torn. The previous two years I think fell during the Easter half terms so was not an issue.

I would absolutely let my 12 year old have a day off to grieve for his dad. It’s one day.

Absolutely let him have the day off if he feels he needs it.

Losing his dad aged 9 must have completely torn his world apart, and if it helps him cope with those feelings 3 years on and every year thereafter I would keep him off without a single bit of hesitation.

Death anniversaries aren't something I choose to recognise, myself. I couldn't tell you what date my husband died, and I like it that way.

But despite me being an outlier, even I can see that a child losing their parent so young, is going to need support and understanding with regard to their grief. And yes, breaking down in front of his classmates would be agonising. So I'd keep him off and do something meaningful together.

3 years is absolutely nothing. My mum died twenty years ago in an unexpected and traumatic way and I'd take the day off still, if I wanted to. A day off is nothing. Compassion is everything.

My children’s dad died and if they want to take his anniversary off school I would be fine with it. They chose to go to school for the first anniversary. I intend to take the day off work for as long as it feels right to.

100% let him have it off - no question.

However, I would ensure that this is to do something meaningful or growth based for the day, not to just stay at home in his room.

He’d learn much more from a day out with his mum, talking about his dad, grief and the future … than he would learn at school that day.

He won’t remember his maths class in years to come, but he will remember the time he spent with you and how you supported him through losing his dad.

I'm so sad at how many posts there are on here that imply the boy should 'man up' and soldier on to school on the anniversary of his father's death.

If he hadn't asked for the day off, it might be a bit different. But he has asked to stay off school. He anticipates it being a harder day than usual. Why on earth would you put a child through that if he's specifically asked to stay at home?

He's not showing weakness. Not showing lack of resilience. Not showing that he's not processing his grief well. Not showing that he's got plans to game all day (although gaming all day would be fine by me if that's what helps him get through an extremely difficult day).

My parent died when I was very young. I wasn't allowed to grieve the way an adult would be encouraged to. It was swept under the carpet and it was expected that I would be unaffected by something that has reverberated through my whole life. For me, that was completely the wrong approach and has caused life-long damage.

Why on earth would anyone begrudge the boy a bit of 'wallowing'. He can be resilient 364 other days of the year. Sometimes he'll need space or time to reflect or feel sad or sorry for himself. Isn't that OK?

How can anyone criticise the child for wanting to stay off school for one day? Its not a generational thing. Its not making him into a 'snowflake'. Its respecting him for knowing how his Dad's death affects him and anticipating a difficult day. Its acknowledging that he is mature enough to recognise that he is still grieving (and probably always will, in one way or another).

People who haven't lost a parent as a child, or who's children haven't lost a parent when still young, should maybe try to listen to those who have direct experience rather than implying we're indulged softies.

let him stay home - he’ll be distracted at school anyway.

I'd let him have the day off. My dad died 9 years ago, and I was 29. I still struggle with it, and his anniversary is awful

Poor kid yes I'd let him have it off

If you were at work and wanted the day off, you could take annual leave.

Others cannot put a timeline on your son's grief and Easter falls later this year so having the day off naturally is not possible.

I would give him the day. Explain to school why and let them mark it as they see fit. Because his routine of the last couple of years has changed, he is likely to find being in school very hard with everyone chattering about their plans for the Easter break on a day where he will end up thinking 'what ifs'.

IME secondary schools are generally quite understanding about the loss of a parent, even if it was a while ago. My DD's friend always had the anniversary of her mum's passing off, even though she was only 5 when it happened and they're now 17. School understood how difficult it was.

@TwigletsAndRadishes I couldn’t give a flying fuck what you think of me.

I’m only concerned that you KEEP posting on this thread trying to get the OP to do something that is wrong, hurtful, arrogant and stupid regarding her bereaved child.

Im pushing back because your “advice” is the worst thing to do and I’m making that very clear.

Love this. Totally agree. And agree with a Pp who said that resilience is built by the confidence of loving relationships, not shoving kids into awful situations.

I'd let him have the day off, it's one day.
If he feels like he needs it let him have the day to destress or deal with his feelings.
Mental health days are just as necessary as days off for illness imo, as long as you don't take the piss.

But you'd have the option to book the day off if you wanted to!

Agreed. Most people I know find the anniversary hard. My fiend is in her forties and takes the anniversary of the mothers death off every year.

i find it odd that people are so worked up about a kid having one day off school. He’s not going to Marbella for a fortnight in term time!

I had that attitude in the anniversary of my kids death. Life goes on. I nearly abandoned my shift, I didn't see it coming how hard it actually was. Life does go on but with grief, you have to sit with it sometimes. Yanno to make a bit more room for another year without them.

Since the OP hasn't come back im just echoing a lot of other posts.

Absolutely let him have the day off if that's what he want.

Anniversaries are important.

And to the poster saying 'if you let him have it off this year, he'll want it off every year'
And??

Strange people on here for sure

I'd let him have the day off

DS1 (technically DSS) had his Mummy's anniversary off each year it fell in school time.

He's now in his mid 20s and books the day off from work each year.

Some years he went out and visited somewhere new (one of his Mummy's favourite things to do) and others he had a quiet day at home. Whatever he needed or wanted to do that year is what he did.

If he feels a day off would help him, I would allow it. Every year if necessary.

My 10 year old boy died of cancer on 2nd January 2018. I book the day off work every single year and also his birthday in the Summer.

Completely agree with this

And why the hell not?

Yes. Let him have it off if that’s what he feels he needs on the day. Don’t decide now, decide on the day.

I often work myself up before the anniversary of my dad’s death, and feel stressed/anxious. However the actual day I’m fine. So he may be feeling worse now and fine the actual day.

Absolutely let him be off. I lost my Dad last year and took the first anniversary off work and spent the day paying respects to him.

People seem very cold saying send him in.

I was 35 when my Mum died and I still took the anniversary day off work for the first couple of years. I didn’t want to get upset at work and knew I would struggle to concentrate. His attendance is otherwise good so I would absolutely let him take it off and explain to the school.