Page 17 | Day off for dads death

Noideawhatimdoing40 · 2025-03-26T07:36:04+00:00

My son is 12 and his dad died almost 3 years ago. Next week is the anniversary of his death and he has asked if he can stay home for the day. Aibu sending him in? He’s got full attendance so far and is a great kid all round, but hates school despite being incredibly studious. Please can I have honest opinions. I feel torn. The previous two years I think fell during the Easter half terms so was not an issue.

LoyalMember · 27/03/2025 07:59

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 06:36

You think he's 'at it'

he's a kid that doesn't like school, but still has a very good attendance record,

he doesn't have to be outwardly 'mournfuland sad' to not want to have to go and concentrate at school and be around a lot of people.

Where is your compassion for a child that's lost his father??

Show quote history

I lost my dad at a similar age. A Saturday morning in 1982. I was off school for five days than back the following Monday. No 'anniversary days' thereafter.

Copasetic · 27/03/2025 08:02

I'd take him somewhere of his choosing every year on the anniversary of the death personally. Let him have a lovely and fun memories of being with you. Somewhere like Alton Towers or whatever he likes. I've got a 14 year old son and this is what he would like.

NattyTurtle59 · 27/03/2025 08:03

verycloakanddaggers · 26/03/2025 07:48

This approach goes against advice from grief experts.

Marking anniversaries is known to be a healthy thing to do.

Show quote history

Surely you can make an anniversary without taking a day off school?

Dustmylemonlies · 27/03/2025 08:03

If he wants to spend the day gaming, no. If he wants to do something meaningful with you, remembering his dad, OK.

I would agree with this.

Lifestooshort71 · 27/03/2025 08:04

Copasetic · 27/03/2025 08:02

I'd take him somewhere of his choosing every year on the anniversary of the death personally. Let him have a lovely and fun memories of being with you. Somewhere like Alton Towers or whatever he likes. I've got a 14 year old son and this is what he would like.

Yes, I can see why a 14-yr old would prefer a theme park to a day at school! If the point of the day off is to remember his dad....??

NerrSnerr · 27/03/2025 08:08

Needspaceforlego · 26/03/2025 07:42

I'd send him in. He can't have his Dads anniversary off every year. All firsts are hard.

Although I think I'd be prepared to pick him up early if he's really upset. And if possible be home before him or ask his Grandparents if they can be there for him coming home. I just wouldn't want him coming home to an empty house

It's quite possible he can have his dad's death off once a year. Sounds like it's possible it'll fall over Easter most years for his education and when he's got a job he could book it off. He probably won't want to but it's possible.

Crazyladee · 27/03/2025 08:12

Three years is nothing at such a vulnerable age. It's one day. Let him take it off.

NerrSnerr · 27/03/2025 08:12

I think people are minimising the huge impact that losing a parent has on a child. There's so much pressure to hide grief or grieve in a way that others feel acceptable.

People don't know this boy on this thread and think they know what 'conditions' should be in place for one day off. Why shouldn't he go to a theme park or spend the day gaming. If that's what makes the day more bearable then surely that's what he should do.

Some people would prefer to go to school/ work and get on with it, that's how I cope with things but that doesn't make it the correct way.

BeHere · 27/03/2025 08:12

Lifestooshort71 · 27/03/2025 08:04

Yes, I can see why a 14-yr old would prefer a theme park to a day at school! If the point of the day off is to remember his dad....??

Show quote history

Which OP hasn't actually specified. It's quite conceivable he wants the day off for the opposite reason, so he can occupy himself doing whatever will most efficiently help his brain avoid focusing on the memories and loss.

ClearHoldBuild · 27/03/2025 08:13

faerietales · 26/03/2025 07:52

He’s 12 years old! Whatever happened to a bit of kindness and compassion?

Exactly this! He was 9 when he suffered this huge loss and he’ll still be processing the grief. To everyone saying he’ll expect the day off every year, so what if he does? And I say this as someone whose children never had time off of school.

playingfortimeandpeace · 27/03/2025 08:14

ClearHoldBuild · 27/03/2025 08:13

Exactly this! He was 9 when he suffered this huge loss and he’ll still be processing the grief. To everyone saying he’ll expect the day off every year, so what if he does? And I say this as someone whose children never had time off of school.

Show quote history

Totally agree

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 08:17

Aligirlbear · 26/03/2025 21:47

I think I would explore with him what he wants to do to mark the anniversary. If it’s a quiet day of reflection / visit the spot where the ashes are scattered / go for a quiet walk with you and some lunch then yes absolutely letting him have the day off is fine and the right thing to do to mark the anniversary. If it’s more around he thinks it’s an excuse to stay away from school and have a day playing on his computer then no. Set the expectation that you will be doing something together.

Have you actually read any of the thread or only the OP?

He doesn't have to 'mark the anniversary with something meaningful'.

He's 12, his dad died when he was nine. He's allowed to need this day just to be. He doesn't have to do something worthy., he doesn't have to do something that will make him grow as a person, he can just be. Away from the teachers, the other kids and the pressure to concentrate on his schoolwork.

If he wants to do something great, if he just wants to hang out at home with no expectation and no my pressure, then he should be able to.

He wants one day, one day.

ClearHoldBuild · 27/03/2025 08:20

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 08:17

Have you actually read any of the thread or only the OP?

He doesn't have to 'mark the anniversary with something meaningful'.

He's 12, his dad died when he was nine. He's allowed to need this day just to be. He doesn't have to do something worthy., he doesn't have to do something that will make him grow as a person, he can just be. Away from the teachers, the other kids and the pressure to concentrate on his schoolwork.

If he wants to do something great, if he just wants to hang out at home with no expectation and no my pressure, then he should be able to.

He wants one day, one day.

Show quote history

Well said 👏👏👏

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 08:22

Mandarinaduck · 26/03/2025 22:15

Absolutely let him have the day off. I find the suggestion of some PPs to commemorate the death on another, more convenient day, frankly wide of the mark. He is not commemorating it, he is GRIEVING. The feelings come automatically around the time of the anniversary, you can't just repress the grief on a Tuesday and summon it up on a Saturday because it's not a school day. (And yes of course anniversaries don't necessarily have this impact on everyone but clearly this one does on HIM).
And don't force him to do something meaningful. Be led by him; if he wants to 'wallow in grief' alone in his room or spend all day gaming, let him - but be available to do something more symbolic together or to support him to do it if HE wants.

Absolutely this!!

cookiedough23 · 27/03/2025 08:34

Lifestooshort71 · 27/03/2025 08:04

Yes, I can see why a 14-yr old would prefer a theme park to a day at school! If the point of the day off is to remember his dad....??

Show quote history

My DH died 3 years ago. He loved watching Marvel/ superhero films and I can’t think of anything more appropriate - if they wanted to- than taking my 15 year old son and 12 year old daughter to the cinema on the anniversary of his death to watch such a film, and yes, missing a day off school. If it helps them to feel closer to him and allows them time to think about him, miss him, commemorate him, feel sad about what happened to him /them, and possibly even enjoy themselves a bit too- they deserve it- then it’s “right” for them. There is a huge void in their lives, it’s not fair, they will never have a dad again, and the grieving will go on for the rest of their lives.

They’ve learnt the hard way that life throws unexpected curve balls. And discipline, resilience and fitting in with the norm/ and societal expectations is a sure way to show them that there is no let up, or hope that can come from such tragedy.

susiedaisy1912 · 27/03/2025 08:38

ScentOfAMoomin · 26/03/2025 07:38

I would send him in - would you take a day off work for the anniversary? I suspect most would not.

My mum passed away 4 years ago in April I still take a day off from work, it’s still an emotional day for me, maybe in 10 years time I’ll feel different but at the moment I’m still grieving.

Lifestooshort71 · 27/03/2025 08:42

BeHere · 27/03/2025 08:12

Which OP hasn't actually specified. It's quite conceivable he wants the day off for the opposite reason, so he can occupy himself doing whatever will most efficiently help his brain avoid focusing on the memories and loss.

Show quote history

I quoted copasetic not the OP

thismummydrinksgin · 27/03/2025 08:42

I’m late 30s and I still have the day on off on the anniversary of my Dads death, me and my Mom do something every year. Lunch, breakfast out.

Copasetic · 27/03/2025 09:00

Lifestooshort71 · 27/03/2025 08:04

Yes, I can see why a 14-yr old would prefer a theme park to a day at school! If the point of the day off is to remember his dad....??

Show quote history

I'm only saying what I would do. I would turn a sad day into a happier event (life is after all for the living) and there would be plenty of discussion along the way about what dad used to like etc and how the son felt etc. My experience is that you don't get a lot out of my son by sitting him down for a meaningful conversation. Take his somewhere and conversations can be had in little bursts. I would primarily want to make the day something my day can start to remember for the good though. I'm not massively into anniversaries though and think people are remembered every day of every year - you don't need a special day for it.

Poppyfun1 · 27/03/2025 09:20

He’s asked for a reason. Respect his wishes.

Bonkersdogmum · 27/03/2025 09:56

I’d let him have it off. I lost my dad 13 years ago and I’m in my 40s now, but on days that are important - Father’s Day, his birthday, the anniversary of his death - those are the days that are a little bit tougher

Grief comes and goes and I consider it like waves, some days are just a lot calmer than others and for a young lad, he’s dealing with his emotions as he grows older and will be considering more of what he has lost, the moments he and his dad have missed, the older he gets

BeHere · 27/03/2025 10:21

Lifestooshort71 · 27/03/2025 08:42

I quoted copasetic not the OP

Show quote history

Who was talking about the OP and her son when she said she'd take him to Alton Towers.

gamerchick · 27/03/2025 10:43

LoyalMember · 27/03/2025 07:59

I lost my dad at a similar age. A Saturday morning in 1982. I was off school for five days than back the following Monday. No 'anniversary days' thereafter.

Show quote history

That's sad for you.

It's almost as if everyone grieves differently. Or is it everyone else should suffer as I suffered?

LoyalMember · 27/03/2025 11:43

gamerchick · 27/03/2025 10:43

That's sad for you.

It's almost as if everyone grieves differently. Or is it everyone else should suffer as I suffered?

Show quote history

Aye, everybody's different. It didn't occur to me, in the slightest, that I'd want, or need, a day off on that date in subsequent years. I just got on with it. I hope the wee lad's okay on the day, but it's setting an awkward precedent. What'll it be next, taking a day off college, university, or your job? Life goes on, it has to.

DadJamie · 27/03/2025 12:19

Maddy70 · 26/03/2025 07:44

Are you setting a precedent of expected mourning on that date by doing this. He would be far better at school with his friends being distracted

How do you know he will be better off? The only precedent she is setting is listening to and respecting her child’s thoughts and feelings, enabling him to feel like he can come to her in times of need.