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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Day off for dads death

469 replies

Noideawhatimdoing40 · 26/03/2025 07:36

My son is 12 and his dad died almost 3 years ago. Next week is the anniversary of his death and he has asked if he can stay home for the day. Aibu sending him in? He’s got full attendance so far and is a great kid all round, but hates school despite being incredibly studious. Please can I have honest opinions. I feel torn. The previous two years I think fell during the Easter half terms so was not an issue.

OP posts:
yeesh · 26/03/2025 20:21

I would let him have it off, so what if he wants it off every year, he’s a kid that lost his dad 😢

Shessweetbutapsycho · 26/03/2025 20:23

DustyLee123 · 26/03/2025 07:37

If you allow it this year, he’ll expect it every other year,

So what!? It’s one day

cadburyegg · 26/03/2025 20:35

Djmaggie · 26/03/2025 20:14

I was 35 when my Mum died and I still took the anniversary day off work for the first couple of years. I didn’t want to get upset at work and knew I would struggle to concentrate. His attendance is otherwise good so I would absolutely let him take it off and explain to the school.

I agree with this.

my dad died 4 years ago this week and I wish I had taken the anniversary off the first 2 years at least. Last year was ok. This year it happens to fall on a non working day which I’m relieved about.

3within3 · 26/03/2025 21:30

DustyLee123 · 26/03/2025 07:37

If you allow it this year, he’ll expect it every other year,

So let him every year

3within3 · 26/03/2025 21:31

ScentOfAMoomin · 26/03/2025 07:38

I would send him in - would you take a day off work for the anniversary? I suspect most would not.

But most are not at work at only 12 years old!!

Plumedenom · 26/03/2025 21:34

The fact he's even thinking about that day already says that he needs to take it off. It's obviously still extremely distressing and no amount of school will distract him. Better to look it in the eye and grieve. School attendance needs to be good but not 100%.

Aligirlbear · 26/03/2025 21:47

I think I would explore with him what he wants to do to mark the anniversary. If it’s a quiet day of reflection / visit the spot where the ashes are scattered / go for a quiet walk with you and some lunch then yes absolutely letting him have the day off is fine and the right thing to do to mark the anniversary. If it’s more around he thinks it’s an excuse to stay away from school and have a day playing on his computer then no. Set the expectation that you will be doing something together.

mummybear35 · 26/03/2025 21:51

My husband died suddenly 18mths ago. My kids are a little older but we’re 16 and 19 at the time. Their dad died in school summer holidays so that’s not a problem but I have allowed my daughter to take days off if and when she needs to. I don’t care about her attendance, she’s getting top grades and is predicted top grades for her A levels etc but I told her that no exam will ever be more important to me than her happiness and mental health so if life gets too much and she wants to take a day off, I let her. Losing a parent at any age is a huge upheaval emotionally let alone at such a young age g age. Grief is different for everyone one and kids process differently. I’d let it go, pick your battles..

Hankunamatata · 26/03/2025 21:52

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. You know him the best

Mandarinaduck · 26/03/2025 22:15

Absolutely let him have the day off. I find the suggestion of some PPs to commemorate the death on another, more convenient day, frankly wide of the mark. He is not commemorating it, he is GRIEVING. The feelings come automatically around the time of the anniversary, you can't just repress the grief on a Tuesday and summon it up on a Saturday because it's not a school day. (And yes of course anniversaries don't necessarily have this impact on everyone but clearly this one does on HIM).
And don't force him to do something meaningful. Be led by him; if he wants to 'wallow in grief' alone in his room or spend all day gaming, let him - but be available to do something more symbolic together or to support him to do it if HE wants.

Pinkypup · 26/03/2025 22:24

I take my dad’s birthday and anniversary of his death off every year. It’ll be 8 years this year and I’m 43! Always try and do something with family, either my kids/husband or my mum/siblings.
so I’m in the, let him have the day off and do something fun and start a tradition, camp

whatthesigma · 26/03/2025 23:08

DustyLee123 · 26/03/2025 07:37

If you allow it this year, he’ll expect it every other year,

But that wouldn’t be a problem would it?

Completely understandable OP.

L0309 · 26/03/2025 23:55

Yes let him have the day off.

be with him and remember your husband together x

MferMonsterSearchingForRedemption · 27/03/2025 00:10

My children went to school on the anniversary of their dad's death because they never asked to stay off.

Had they asked to stay off I would not have thought twice about keeping them off. I don't understand what the problem is. What matters if he misses one day of school every year?

I wouldn't care if they wanted to spend the day gaming (which is actually something their dad loved doing), staying in bed or whatever.

My children's lives shattered when they lost their dad. Their sense of security in the word forever changed. They would have bloody deserved a day off if that is what they wanted and needed.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/03/2025 00:37

Vaxtable · 26/03/2025 14:18

He would be going in. He’s now of an age to understand that it maybe a tough day for him, but he still has to carry on with life

And we wonder why there's a mentality health crisis ongoing.

He's now of an age to be able to articulate his needs regarding his mental well being. He understands that he has to go to school every day. He understands the world didn't stop turning when his Dad died and won't on his anniversary. He understands that he needs to take time out to deal with his emotions and grief and pain. And frankly, if he chooses to do this every year then so what? Likely better than burying it and then drinking it out for decades!!

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 00:43

DustyLee123 · 26/03/2025 07:37

If you allow it this year, he’ll expect it every other year,

And??

and he won't necessarily either. Where is your compassion?

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 00:45

ScentOfAMoomin · 26/03/2025 07:38

I would send him in - would you take a day off work for the anniversary? I suspect most would not.

I did the first few years.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 00:49

simpledeer · 26/03/2025 07:44

I’m torn.

If he wants to spend the day gaming, no.

If he wants to do something meaningful with you, remembering his dad, OK.

Maybe gaming will distract him from the awfulness of the day, he's not asking to leave school and game full-time 🙄🙄

MooFroo · 27/03/2025 05:33

Absolutely yes - emotional days like this are hugely important and are far more important than another day at school and a normal day

procrastinatorgator · 27/03/2025 05:39

I can't believe you have to ask this question. He is a child marking the death of a parent! Of course it will be a difficult day for him and he might prefer to be alone and remember his dad. What an awful question. I'm shocked that you even asked.

Sunblocker · 27/03/2025 05:44

DustyLee123 · 26/03/2025 07:37

If you allow it this year, he’ll expect it every other year,

And why not? You’re showing him that you appreciate what a huge loss it is and how his young life changed that day. I’m a senior leader in a secondary school and I’d authorise this as a compassionate day off. Have a day with him and do something that helps him grieve; there is no time limit on that.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 05:48

Gundogday · 26/03/2025 07:56

I’d let him have it off. He’s mature enough to ask for the day off.

Maybe ask what have plans he has for the day, to see if he has any plans, rather than just skiving school.

but you don't have to have 'plans' just not to want to be around people and to not have to hold it together all day & to concentrate on school/work, just to be with your own thoughts and feelings.

JustMyView13 · 27/03/2025 05:54

I wouldn’t send him in.
Rather maturely, he has identified a need to have a break from reality on a day that he (probably) still struggles with. People don’t remember what you say or do, they remember how you made them feel. And if you insist on him going in, I’m sure he won’t feel great about it or supported by you.

To everyone saying he can’t take the day off every year… actually he can. Some years it’ll fall on a weekend, as an adult he’ll have the option of booking annual leave, scheduling shifts around it or in the worst case scenario - taking the day off sick.
If he takes the day off school, his grades won’t plummet, and it’ll have no bearing on what his future brings.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 27/03/2025 06:00

I’m a widow with children. If you speak to the school they will authorise it, that’s what I do. My son physically can’t function on these days some years. It’s an overwhelming thing that just happens to him, same as the anniversary of his death. This happens to him without him even without him knowing the actual date his dad died. Grief is tiresome for children- let him have 1 day off!!!!

Lancasterel · 27/03/2025 06:04

My dad died when I was 18, 25 years ago. For years I found the anniversary date really hard. I would never normally say keep a child off school for something other than illness but in this circumstance, I would!

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