Page 16 | Day off for dads death

Noideawhatimdoing40 · 2025-03-26T07:36:04+00:00

My son is 12 and his dad died almost 3 years ago. Next week is the anniversary of his death and he has asked if he can stay home for the day. Aibu sending him in? He’s got full attendance so far and is a great kid all round, but hates school despite being incredibly studious. Please can I have honest opinions. I feel torn. The previous two years I think fell during the Easter half terms so was not an issue.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 27/03/2025 06:05

To add, it was actually their dad’s birthday this week. My son went in this year so by doing this you aren’t setting a precedence it’s just how they feel each year. My daughter went in but had to go in late as on the day and day before when we got there she was crying her eyes out because of it. I took her offsite, went and had (another) breakfast and she was an hour late then went to see pastoral.

I wouldn’t listen to any of the comments about sending him in they are obvs from parents who have not had to deal with bereaved children.

SemperIdem · 27/03/2025 06:06

DustyLee123 · 26/03/2025 07:37

If you allow it this year, he’ll expect it every other year,

I can’t get my head around this response.

We’re talking about a young boy dealing with the loss of a parent, at a formative age, not Hammy the hamster dying.

Let him have the day off @Noideawhatimdoing40. If he needs it off every year, would it really matter in the great scheme of things? Plenty of adults choose to not work on the anniversary of a loved ones passing.

FannyBawz · 27/03/2025 06:07

Some of you are so fucking heartless. This child lost his dad, 3 years ago is nothing. I lost my mum 3 years ago, I’m a big ass adult and it’s a hard hard day for me to get through. So what if he “expects” it every year? He has to live the rest of his life missing his dad…but at least he will feel supported.

MissHollysDolly · 27/03/2025 06:15

Of course you should keep him off if he wants to. As an adult if you needed to take the day you’d book leave - kids don’t have that privilege but imagine if you asked your boss for a day off to grieve your dads anniversary and it was denied?

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 06:25

RedToothBrush · 26/03/2025 09:13

Actually, he potentially COULD choose to take the day as leave if he was an adult.

He is still grieving and I suspect the school will be fully supportive of the reason for him being off school even though its 3 years ago.

Most children do not have to carry the burden of the loss of a parent.

Ultimately its not in his best interests to send him in, if he's feeling like this. Its not as if he's not doing well at school nor is it for a lame excuse.

This is a mental health related issue where he needs support.

The one thing I would add in the context of support, is I wouln't be keen for him to stay home alone though - I would be taking the day off to be there for him. Because he needs you. He doesn't get the day off to just sit home and play computer games or whatever all day. You go do something together and remember Dad - even if its just part of the day. It needs to be focused.

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Why can't he just zone out playing computer games if that's what he needs to do?

Why does it have to be focused?

he is entitled to deal with his grief the way he wants to, not by some random thinking he has to do something worthy

🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 06:30

Sassybooklover · 26/03/2025 09:14

Whilst you're able to allow him the day off, then do so. However, going forward as he starts having exams, revision etc, staying at home may not be an option. I think perhaps a chat on why he thinks he needs to have the day off, as apposed to going to school would be better? Is he afraid of becoming upset at school? You need to also prepare him for the fact, that staying off school every year on the anniversary is not necessarily going to be possible. A day off means doing something together, to remember his Dad. If he thinks staying off and gaming is better, then, no, off to school.

staying of simply because he doesn't want to be around people is perfectly valid he doesn't have to 'remember his dad' in any prescriptive way, if he just wants to game, watch TV, sleep, whatever. What does it matter? It's what he needs on that day that matters and that is all!!

SassySusie · 27/03/2025 06:34

Yes let him have the day off. I wouldn’t even think twice.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 06:36

LoyalMember · 26/03/2025 09:17

What did he do the last two years when this date fell on the Easter Holidays? Was he particularly mournful and sad? I think he's at it this year. Send him to school.

You think he's 'at it'

he's a kid that doesn't like school, but still has a very good attendance record,

he doesn't have to be outwardly 'mournfuland sad' to not want to have to go and concentrate at school and be around a lot of people.

Where is your compassion for a child that's lost his father??

Peakcentral · 27/03/2025 06:37

Some of these replies are vile.

I would let him have the day off, no questions. Who cares if it sets a prescedent, he lost his dad as a nine year old and he will have to find his own coping mechanisms for dealing with that. If it’s a day off a year from school then so be it.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 06:40

Daphnise · 26/03/2025 09:20

He will find other easons for more dyas off- you don't have time off for bereavement on anniversaries- or no one would ever be in school/work.

RubBish

Sirzy · 27/03/2025 06:49

So many people seem to think there is a right way to grieve. It’s such a personal thing and it’s important this Child knows that it’s ok to grieve and do what is needed to cope at harder times.

he Has verbalised what he thinks he needs so that should be respected. Then he knows his grief is valid.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 07:08

Crunchymum · 26/03/2025 10:01

I would.

Not many 12yo boys have had to suffer the trauma of losing a parent. If he wants the day off, then I'd let it happen.

However I'd expect the day to be used wisely - we'd either do something to commemorate his dad or do something outside of the house. Not something fun per se or expensive but something we don't do everyday.

It wouldn't be a day to doss about and game!

Why not???

If what he needs to cope with the day is to 'Doss about' at home, not deal with other people and trying to concentrate on school work, why shouldn't he have that day off? Why shouldn't he doss/game whatever he needs in his grief??

Barnybrown · 27/03/2025 07:16

I would definitely let him stay home - anniversaries are difficult and he is just a child dealing with a recent and very significant bereavement. He has asked to stay home and there is no way I would ignore that - it’s just one day. Sending love to you both x

Crunchymum · 27/03/2025 07:16

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 07:08

Why not???

If what he needs to cope with the day is to 'Doss about' at home, not deal with other people and trying to concentrate on school work, why shouldn't he have that day off? Why shouldn't he doss/game whatever he needs in his grief??

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Personally - and yes I appreciate grief is individual - I'd want to try to make the day positive in any way I could.

Yes the OP's son may well need a day to doss and game (I have a 12yo and he does plenty of that!!) but I was just answering based on my own experience.

I didn't leave the house on my mum's first anniversary and felt even worse for it. Although I'm an adult of course.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 07:23

TwigletsAndRadishes · 26/03/2025 10:47

I'm reflecting on the responses here and wondering if I have got it completely wrong. I just asked my husband the same question in the OP without telling him anything about my thoughts on the matter. I've always tend to be a bit more 'bad cop' on parenting issues, and a bit more hard nosed than him in general. He's the softie of the two of us.

He answered 'No' without missing a beat. I asked why not and engaged him in debate a bit, presenting the other side of the argument as it's been put to me by some of you, and it was still an emphatic no from him.

I wonder if it's a generational thing. Both of us around 60, give or take. We are not hardened or unfeeling or Victorian by any stretch, but I think you are parenting in a different era and a different way to how we did. And children now are very different as a result. Make of that what you will.

I'm not so very much younger than you at 56 and feel completely differently.

It's a shame you have reflected on your opinion and discussed it with your DH and still haven't found any compassion for this poor child whose dad died when he was nine and for the first time the anniversary is falling on a school day and he doesn't want to be there with teachers and other pupils he wants his own space to feel how he feels.

Iwannakeepondancing · 27/03/2025 07:25

It’s a tricky one. I think it will mean he will keep wanting to as he’ll get used to expecting it but for one day if he hasn’t got anything important on that day and you’re off and can spend it together doing something nice then why not?

boymama82 · 27/03/2025 07:33

Let him take it off, it's obviously important to him and one day won't affect his education

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 07:38

oviraptor21 · 26/03/2025 12:41

I would let him have the anniversary off this year but encourage him to consider taking the nearest weekend day in future years as the day to mark the loss of his father.

🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

it's not about 'marking the day' & choosing a day to do this.

It's about grief, it's about loss, it's about the deep sadness you feel that that person is no longer here, that they will never be here again,

Of course it's not just on the anniversary day, but for many of us that day is more intense, you don't decide to just not feel that way and feel that way on Saturday instead🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

JumpingPumpkin · 27/03/2025 07:41

Absolutely let him have the day off. Find a way with him to mark the day if that helps. Any decent school would understand without question.

FiveWhatByFiveWhat · 27/03/2025 07:41

Needspaceforlego · 26/03/2025 07:42

I'd send him in. He can't have his Dads anniversary off every year. All firsts are hard.

Although I think I'd be prepared to pick him up early if he's really upset. And if possible be home before him or ask his Grandparents if they can be there for him coming home. I just wouldn't want him coming home to an empty house

Why can't he?? As an adult he can book annual leave if he wants/needs the day off, I've worked with a few people over the years who have done similar for emotional anniversaries, so why shouldn't a child be allowed?

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 07:44

Needspaceforlego · 26/03/2025 13:14

There probably isn't a right or wrong answer but one thing you wouldn't want to happen is for the first time he HAS to do something one the anniversary is for it to be something important like a exam or job interview.

Or for him to feel guilty about wanting to go on a school trip or something.

I couldn't disagree with your posts on this thread any more than I do.

Each year he will be a year older and a year further from the day it actually happened and able to make his decisions based on the differing facts, it's slightly to fall into the Easter holidays most of the years he's at school, it's not going to fall into the exam season & when he's old enough to be going to interviews he's also old enough to say he's not available on that day but can come a different day if he wants to.

What happens when he is 12 is what happens when he is 12.

EmmaEmEmz · 27/03/2025 07:44

Of course I would, and it's fine if it sets a 'precedent' - he's a kid, who has experienced something horrible. If he just wants to spend the day gaming and doing nothing, that's fine.

My friend who lost her husband when their son was 9 takes him on holiday for a week on the anniversary of his death and its been four years. It's during term time but school are OK with it because they know that the poor kid has lost his dad.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 07:50

Vaxtable · 26/03/2025 14:18

He would be going in. He’s now of an age to understand that it maybe a tough day for him, but he still has to carry on with life

🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

he's 12. It's a perfectly normal day at school, nothing special. He's already learnt since he was nine that despite his dad dying, life goes on. He needs this one day away from school teachers people pressure to just be.

Did you skip the queue when they were handing out compassion???

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 07:56

powershowerforanhour · 26/03/2025 14:36

Good grief. I consider myself to have the emotional IQ of a breeze block and I couldn't even tell you the dates of my parents' deaths, but I would say a whole hearted yes to his request. No strings attached. No "don't make this a habit young man, you needn't think you're getting it off next year". No "I hope this is genuine and you're not just swinging the lead, I have my suspicions". And no "gently" explaining that you know what's best for him and that you are "gently" going to make him go to school but he can gently have some gentle special cake afterwards.

Fuck I hate that "Gently tell him" crap that's all over mumsnet. Deeds not words. If you are going to gently tell him to go to school for that one day, you might as well bluntly tell him, "Grieving the anniversary of your father's death and reflecting on the fact that he's dead and you'll never see him again ever and all of your schoolmates are going to grow up with alive daddies except you is not a day long procedure. The only available appointment slot is 3.45pm- 6pm. Then room tidying and dinner and homework, though I may consider deferral of the homework till the next day to allow some more socially acceptable grieving from 7-8.30pm. "

He's as resilient as a Kevlar vest that boy. For one day out of 365 I'd let him take the day and if he wants to do beach walks and memories, fine; if he wants to lie under the duvet crying his heart out all day till his throat is raw and he has a splitting headache, fine; if he wants to drop the backpack, completely zone out and spend all day till midnight gaming and eating crisps then pick up the load and carry on the next day, fine.

I don't think you're emotional. IQ is as bad as you think it is!! There is one of the best if not the best posts on this entire thread!!

Give yourself more credit🌷

Bumdishcloths · 27/03/2025 07:57

BlueMum16 · 26/03/2025 07:39

I would have a chat to him about how he's feeling and why the day off would help. Maybe he's still grieving or maybe it's something else.

The attendance/day doesn't matter it's why he feels he needs to be off and at home that is important.

I lost my dad a few years ago. I still want to hide on certain days

Of course he’s still grieving, he’s 12!

OP, let him take the day off. Even if he did want to take it off every year forever, so what? It’s so important to let him be vulnerable, which he’s done by asking to take the day. Encouraging your son to express his feelings is so much more important than a day of schoolwork.