I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

[Namechange20002]

Have found out tonight that DH has been speaking to his female friend about our sex life, relationship issues, really intimate personal things. I just feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed, and I don’t know how to come back from this.

We have three young children and haven’t been having a great deal of sex or intimacy for some time. He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself, this is in the hope that it will help her feel more in the right headspace/mood”

I feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

Oh bog off. He’s the guilty one here. We all know your sort

You might be fine with your dp discussing your sex life and slagging you off to a newly single friend of the same sex as you, but most of us have higher standards.

This place is anonymous. If you can’t see what’s wrong here then you have a funny sort of understanding of fidelity and loyalty and honourable behaviour

I don't excuse what he has done, l wouldn't like it at all, but as a previous poster as said don't listen to MN as the only advice you get "is kick him out or divorce him" from the man haters.
I hope counselling will be a some help to you and will get him to see his errors.

OP I would go forward with speaking to a lawyer.
he needs to know you are serious about not ever trusting him.

counselling is all fine and good but I’m pretty sure he will feel secure that the marriage is saved and not learn a thing. If there is any hope I think you need to invest a little money in actually outlining the plan if things fail. The reality of not being with you.

OP don't listen to anyone who calls women man haters. They usually have extremely low standards and expect everyone else to be the same.

don't listen to MN as the only advice you get "is kick him out or divorce him" from the man haters.

Wow..

Why do you think people like OP come here, because they need support in an incredibly difficult time, and often don't have anyone to turn to in real life.

There is plenty of good advice and moral support here for OP, even if there are the usual LTB brigade. Your generalisation that any advice you get on here should be dismissed because we are all 'man haters' is thoroughly insulting.

Perhaps I'm a cynic but I don't see how any amount of counselling could sanitise the betrayal and nastiness OP's H demonstrated in his messages to the OW.

You can actually feel OP's hurt in her posts. They are heartbreaking.

And yet some posters on this thread seem to be minimising what he did and saying the marriage is worth saving. I find that unbelievable.

How can OP ever trust him enough to have sex with him again? How can she bear for him even to caress her again without thinking of his whinging complaints to his OW about stroking her feet?
It's nothing to do with " man hating" .
It's to do with this particular man betraying the trust of his wife in the most cynical, unforgivable way.

Tell me you're a man, without telling me you're a man. 👨

oh my lord. Really?

So - the message there is that you don't want him, you don't want sex with him, you reject him. She is sympathising and sending him pics of her tattoo under her breast, which he loves.

Ok, you do have to put a stop to this right now, or you will indeed split up, and your kids' hearts will be broken, bless them 😓Loads of people will say tell him to f off, but my method would be give him a bj, have lots of sex and reel him right back in.

I suggest you read the rest of OPs posts before you come back with any more guilt trip 'advice' for OP.

You may well be right and I apologise for my own errors, but the fundamental problem that I see in so many MN posts is that they reply reflecting their own life experience rather than the OP situation.

You say that her replies indicate she's ignoring his disgustingly explicit and, frankly, desperate sexual messages. Maybe she's revolted by his pathetic and obvious attempts to get a pity fuck out of her.

If it was me I'd message her saying youve found their chat and asking if she'd like to talk about his inappropriate messages. It wouldn't be everyone's choice of action but it's an option.

Agree, @RanchRat. His degradation of his Wife (helped by OW) is beyond the pale. This is an emotionally dangerous man.

@Namechange20002, beware of engaging in MC with him, especially at this point. You nor your marriage are responsible for his depraved, unethical behavior. Whereas MC can be helpful for couples wanting to learn better communication and conflict resolution skills, it is not recommended when one party is abusive and manipulative, which your H absolutely is. He will attempt to manipulate the counsellor and the sessions.

IC would be more appropriate, although I am doubtful that he would authentically engage. Look at what he is capable of — heinous, depraved betrayal. Behind his smiles at home has been a huge amount of deception. He got a thrilling dopamine hit every time he and OW demeaned you, throwing you to the wolves to score points with her. In my view, he is an unstable shape-shifter with a personality disorder, as exemplified by the different masks he wears to manipulate his world. He has no true empathy or conscience, and puts on whatever mask will get him what he wants at that moment.

My advice is to divorce him and access IC for yourself with a therapist who has experience helping clients learn to protect and distance themselves from abusive narcissists.

If you are still here OP can I just say I'm sorry you have had to read some of the horrendous posts putting his behaviour on you.
I would say please ignore, they are the agitators, the cruel people who get some kick out of coming on a post of an obviously hurt woman and kicking them again. Absolutely ignore.
I hope you have your children with you this weekend for Mum's Day, it's your day, I hope you have a lovely day as much as you can.
Focus on your children and put his fucking horrendous betrayal on the back burner. Easier said than done but you need space and time to realise just how badly he has treated you.
I was you a few years ago, what I should have done is look after myself, what I did do was try to fix things, ran myself ragged trying to work out what he was thinking..
Now with hindsight I would gather myself up, gather my children and not give it the damaging headspace I did.
That doesn't mean not deal with your reality about him but gather your inner resilience and look after yourself. You are in crisis, you need to protect yourself, stop engaging with him, tell him you need space.
Take that space and let yourself deal with how your marriage is now, you deserve and need time to yourself to process the hurt and how you want to go on with it.
Never forget it's HIM that put the bomb under your marriage, it's YOU that can distance yourself from that bomb.
Love yourself and do not engage with him if it feels unsafe.
I lost my Mum last year and I send you my heartfelt sympathy, it changes your whole self x

What an utter dickhead.

Most people on this thread seem to think that he’s trying to proposition the female friend with this vile sharing of personal information. To me it reads more as if they’re already having an affair. She might be worried about replying on WhatsApp — it doesn’t mean there aren’t other ways for her to respond. I think you really need to try to get more info before doing anything so, painful as it is, I would say nothing more and go into full sleuth mode.

This is unbelievable! How awful of your DP

@Namechange20002

We have cameras in the kids room as monitors and I just watched back the video from after the argument when he seemed like he didn't give a shit, and he sat on the floor in ours DS room in tears. Our oldest DS went to check he was ok and give him a hug (he's only 7 bless his little heart) and DH is sobbing saying "Daddy's messed up, Daddy's messed up"

This is what I'd find even more unforgivable. He brought your children into this situation. Our children seeing our tears and sorrow in some situations, like a death or similar, is one thing. This is quite another. Yes, yes, he didn't give them the 'particulars' but he involved them in his guilt and 'over flow' of emotions and guilt. A parent should never do that. And your 7 year old shouldn't have been put in a position of 'comforting' his father in a situation like this.

Might be insulting but mostly true. I came on here for advice 18 months ago, after my husband had a one-night stand.
All of the advice was 'leave him, this wasn't his first time, have some dignity....'.

Well as we'd been married for over 30 years and I had never, ever had reason to doubt him, I decided to forgive him. I was absolutely devastated with what he'd done but I hadn't done anything that made me just stop loving him. He admits he messed up and doesn't know how to explain what went wrong.

It has been hard going, with me feeling like a part of me has died and the husband I trusted unconditionally let me down. He can't do anything more than tell me he is sorry, tells me every day he loves me and thanks me for saving the marriage. My family say I'm stupid and how can I ever trust him again. But really, how can anyone know what's going to happen in the future?

Your husband has acted like an idiot. In a way, these emotional attachments are worse than a one night stand, but only you know your marriage. People on here can give advice, but you can read through it and decide what to do yourself.
After all the 'advice' I received on here, it made me more determined to work on things, rather than just throw 35 years together away. I could manage on my own without him - but I just didn't want to.

With all due to you and your take, you don't have the same relationship.
You chose to forgive and forget his shagging another woman.
OP obviously has boundaries, ones that are valid.
I don't see the helpfulness in saying I forgave my cheating scumbag so you should too.

I know, he's an absolute bastard!!! 7!!!

Not many women could stomach that.

He broke your trust in the worst possible way. You don't know what else he might have got up to.

I've been married for 35 years too, together for 40, but this in my book would be unforgiveable.

I have the funny feeling you found out about this by snooping, which puts you in an even more difficult position.
The question is, what are you going to do?

Well clearly if she "snooped", it was necessary?

Wouldn't you, if you had suspicions? Or would you bury your head in the sand?

It does not matter at all how she found out, @MsAmerica , don't dare put that on the OP.