I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

[Namechange20002]

Have found out tonight that DH has been speaking to his female friend about our sex life, relationship issues, really intimate personal things. I just feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed, and I don’t know how to come back from this.

We have three young children and haven’t been having a great deal of sex or intimacy for some time. He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself, this is in the hope that it will help her feel more in the right headspace/mood”

I feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

There are always going to be a percentage of people that would leave their partners over infidelity, and would advise other women to do the same.. that doesn't mean they are 'man-haters' which is what the PP said, that isn't "true" at all!

With due respect you decided to forgive a one off event, perhaps you saw it as a lapse in judgement and had to weigh up whether you could move on from it. But it doesn't sound like you have really moved on from it, you've just accepted it, if the reason you decided to stay was because so many people told you you should leave then I feel a bit sad about that for some reason, it's almost like you were goaded into proving them wrong.

Chances are he may never do anything like that again, he obviously had an opportunity and he took it, but to me it is the damage that has been done with that one act, and I'm not sure the relationship could ever really recover from it fully, yours hasn't recovered, it's evolved, so you surely can't blame people for advising that you should leave?

You're heartbroken either way, and I'm sorry it happened to you.

Snooping means the relationship is dead. I would consider it as serious a betrayal as infidelity.

Hey OP ..
Well if they’re friends since 16 , the likelihood of an affair is slim 🤷🏻‍♀️..
Plus he is showing her that he is attracted to you by mentioning toys & that ..
I’d say 2 about to embark on an affair are not going to be chatting about his wife all the time ! !..
All that said , I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate if he was discussing your sex life either with male friend of his either ..
Id be very disappointed to discover messages like that aswel if it was me in your position..
You need to speak with him & tell him it’s not ok …

This is such a betrayal of OP's trust that it may mean that she doesn't love him any more. If that is the case, it would be the right thing to divorce him.

Mumsnet posters aren't 'man haters', they just hate the sort of men who treat their wives/partners and sometimes their children like shit.

Good idea, forget the total betrayal of OP's trust and the utter lack of loyalty to his wife and reward him with a bj and lots of sex.

The bar is really low for some women.

Yes there is something wrong in a relationship where one partner is aware something is " going on" and the only way they can confirm this is by looking for evidence.
But you must have a seriously warped sense of right and wrong if you equate looking for confirmation of your fears with the betrayal of marriage vows.

I never understand this. People don't snoop without suspicions. If someone posted that their partner had been going out every night and acting suspiciously and they looked at his phone and he had been out murdering women, the reaction of some posters would be 'Oh my God, you looked at his phone? You're as bad as he is'.

You're right. I forgave him but the relationship will never really be the same.
I hadn't 'snooped' though. He'd rang me and said he was going for a drink after work with a mate and would ring me again after. He forgot to disconnect the phone and I heard him giving marriage advice to his friend (!!) saying how good our relationship is, how much he loves me etc. etc. I decided to carry on listening thinking there might be more of the same stuff, but then realised he was telling the mate about a random woman he'd had sex with the week before- in my bed.

Invading privacy is as unforgivable.

@Namechange20002 what is always confusing for the OP on threads like this is it polarises into LTB versus “I stayed and I’m glad I did”.
If you genuinely don’t know what is the best decision for yourself, then one second you feel hopeful because you read that somebody managed to get through it together, then you feel shamed because others tell you to “raise your bar” or attack those who post that they stayed with some quite hurtful and pretty vicious responses, which will only further gag you from asking further questions about that for fear of the same treatment.

The truth is that both sides are opinions, just that, with anecdotes of lived experiences here and there.
The only thing I can guarantee you is this: Every single set of circumstances and relationship is different from yours. For every woman who stayed and regretted it and advises divorce, there’ll be another who always believed and swore that cheating was a deal breaker before it happened to them and when it actually did, they stayed.
You have to evaluate what you want based on what you know. They don’t have to live your life, you do.
So take your time, you’re in shock and on a rollercoaster of emotions, big decisions either to stay or go will see-saw for a while as you absorb what has happened to

you (many reactions are delayed after a shock like this, it’s your brain’s way of protecting itself) and a big life-changing decision now, unless you have no absolutely doubts, might be better left until you feel less blindsided.
Decide what you need to get through each day at the moment. Do you need space from him? Does he need to move out for a while?
Whilst you find some equilibrium and strength, decide what you need him to do right now. Your own self care is more important than the big longer term decision at the moment. In order to do that, you tolerate no more ridiculous behaviour from him and he needs to understand that that is non-negotiable, he has hurt you more than enough for a lifetime. You should be his focus now.
With time you’ll know whether or not this is salvageable. Some cannot imagine even trying to salvage this or the value of trying. Some think with a family and a marriage you might want to consider doing so. You can always change your mind at any point.
These are personal opinions from complete strangers and none of us are you.
Advice that resonates with you is what is valuable to you, disregard the rest. Above all, take great care of yourself.

What about OP's H driving a coach and horses through her privacy?
I take it that is acceptable in your code of morals?

I would agree that snooping with no evidence of any wrongdoing, or history of infidelity (for instance jealous people who just don't trust their partner because of their own past issues) is unacceptable in a relationship, it is actual a form of control.

One off snooping because you suspect something is happening behind your back, you have asked for assurance, but still have reason to believe you are being lied to, is a means to an end.. not a betrayal in itself.

No one should be forced to go though those lengths to force their partner to admit to their wrongdoing.

Not that it matters, and I don't blame you, but I'd call secretly listening to a conversation that you shouldn't be able to hear as snooping!😂😂

How? I was enjoying the praise. I wasn't looking for or expecting anything untoward. I can still remember the shock.

OP - there is no right answer, it's subjective and how you feel about things.

Having said that - there are loads of wrong answers, quite a few in this thread and generally followed by posters tearing lumps out of each other. I bring this up because you must beware choosing one of the wrong answers. Stay or leave, either way you must make a success of it.

Just to illustrate what I mean by wrong answers:

Trying to fix the marriage but being unable to forgive or forget.
Splitting up, but being unable to live without him
Staying together and living a toxic life without fixing the problems
Splitting up & continuing the warfare through the children.

Good luck.

Oh god, that is horrific. In fairness I can understand why people advised you to leave and your family feel the same.

There really is no way of knowing if it was just a one off as he obviously had opportunity to bring someone in to your house and you had no clue it had happened, if you hadn't heard that phonecall you would have been none the wiser at all.

I'm so sorry, the fact the he felt so justified in doing it that openly bragged to a friend about it is almost as hurtful as the act itself.

Do you ever think that the decision to stay may not have been the right one? I suppose once you've decided to stay together, there is an expectation that you have accepted it so should now get over it. What an utter bastard.

Listening in when someone believes they are in a private situation is wrong.

I did say that I don't blame you, & don't want to come across as Holier than thou but I don't think that there is any doubt that (copying the excellent wording just used) listening in when someone believes they are in a private situation is snooping.

But harsh to use 😂😂 emojis for what must have been a tough time for Wendy.

I wasn't talking about Wendy's private troubles, I was talking about the definition of snooping.

It's a shame MN doesn't have a "be nice" rule.

Was that nice to Wendy then?

No it is not, especially as in a marriage there should be no expectation of privacy regarding secrets. What is unforgivable is victim-blaming. That, is beyond unforgivable. Infidelity, of which the OP's husband has committed, is unforgivable. Getting PROOF of this unfaithfulness in marriage is not unforgivable.

Her husband was on the phone to her. It wasn't a private situation. What is with your need to defend unfaithful husbands and victim-blame the women.

Her husband was on the phone to his WIFE! It wasn't 'snooping' or even 'listening in'. FFS.

Is any of this back and forth about the definition of snooping actually helpful or useful to OP?