I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

[Namechange20002]

Have found out tonight that DH has been speaking to his female friend about our sex life, relationship issues, really intimate personal things. I just feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed, and I don’t know how to come back from this.

We have three young children and haven’t been having a great deal of sex or intimacy for some time. He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself, this is in the hope that it will help her feel more in the right headspace/mood”

I feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

You should never stay together for the sake of children - Imagine how miserable they will be growing up in that atmosphere. Your husband is a spineless coward. Your children will grow up thinking this is normal and go on to copy it with their own relationships.

Yes there are massive consequences to separating, but you will not be the first or last person to have been through this. There are thousands of single parents out there, struggling every day, but they struggle with the peace of mind knowing nobody is about to betray them, or treat them like shit.

It's almost like some of the Mum's on here are telling you to stay because they are scared witless of independence and have relied on men too much.

I'm very sorry OP. Your DH has crossed a line. How he handles the next days will inform your next steps.

My wife has two lovely female friends who are brilliant, supportive, and give their honest, fair opinions on life. We have a great marriage, good sex life, all is good. If she ever shared the details of our sex life with them i would be furious. And that's with two girl friends! He's so out of order, i'm raging on your behalf.

i can’t imagine leaving a marriage with 3 kids because my DH forwarded someone a video.

This thread reads like a daft, frustrated man seeking an ego boost from a similarly fragile, vain friend. You could leave, and it’d be awful for him, and he’d probably learn his lesson. But the consequences - financial and emotional, to you and your kids - would be crippling.

I’ve been divorced. Splitting the house sets you back decades financially and you never catch up.

I’d kick him out for a week or two. Then get counselling.

It’s not just forwarding a video, is it?
Dont minimise the horrible, disrespectful way he’s treated her.

OP I think you are going through a nightmare.

Unfortunately, I speak from experience having been in a similar-ish situation. The advice I can give you is this:

1. Trust your gut instinct
2. Get the whole truth from him

In order for you to move on, he needs to be truly sorry. Because what he has done is borderline unforgivable. And he is gonna have to work very hard to regain your trust.

Do they have to deal with each other at work because it’s going to be very hard for you wondering what they may or may not be up to. Maybe it wasn’t a physical relationship, but it was certainly an emotional one.

Good luck, luck rebuilding your life.

This isn’t dumping some man after 3 dates. It’s leaving the father of your 3 kids. There are steps that can be taken other than divorce.

Many women are able to financially cope on their own, it doesn't always set them back.

And the consequences to the children as well as OP of being in an unhappy house is worth one thousand times getting out. Staying for the children never works, it just gives the children a miserable childhood with a miserable mum. No money is worth that.

It’s leaving the father of your 3 kids.

So? So what? Sometimes a woman NEEDS to leave a man, your attitude is dangerous and harmful. Sometimes divorce is truly the only answer. Staying 'for the sake of the children' never ever EVER works.

I’m not saying that the DH shouldn’t suffer any consequences but it doesn’t have to be divorce. Mumsnet is extremely keen on advising women to divorce. I’m just trying to give a different perspective.

anyone who says women don’t suffer financially after a divorce are simply wrong. Yes you might be able to manage the monthly bills, but long term, things like pension pots and house equity are irrevocably affected.

I got divorced at 39. I live in a nice house now with a much nicer DH but my friends, who stayed together, have paid off their mortgages and are looking at retirement. It’s very different.

OP must do whatever they want to do but it’s not up to faceless internet strangers to decide. It’s very easy to tell someone to divorce, it’s much harder to be the one doing it.

There is far more to life than 'housing equity' and 'pension pots'. Being happy is one of them. Having your children grow up in a happy and stable household is another.

You obviously haven't read OP's posts or you lack comprehension and understanding if you think OP is upset just because her H " forwarded a video".

It’s lovely how different opinions and experiences are welcomed on Mumsnet.

Your reading comprehension isn’t flawless either, as I was quoting a post that referenced the video forwarding. But you do you. 🥱

I just wanted to come back and say that although I’ve not posted for a few days, I am still reading through all your posts (although I did skip over the whole Wendy’s phone call saga). I’ve found this thread really helpful for many reasons, so I’m so glad I posted. Seeing the different viewpoints and different advice has been so helpful, and a few posters managed to sum up exactly how I was feeling about the situation when I couldn’t do that for myself, so thank you all of you.

It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions the last few days, I got to the point where there were no tears left to cry, so the hurt I was feeling came out in anger.
We’ve managed to have some very deep conversations about the current issue and the long term issues. He keeps saying how sorry he is and is giving reassurances, and although it does feel genuine and I feel better at the time, my doubts and questions start to creep back in. I’m currently struggling with why he did it, why there was such a lack of respect for me and also struggling with reconciling the remorse I’m seeing now with how he was in the immediate aftermath. So these are things we keep circling back to.

I’m currently feeling quite drained and numb. The thoughts about it all keep bubbling up, but I’m just tired of thinking about it all now.
We keep falling into the normal chats about day to day life, like discussions about what we’re doing with the kids in the Easter holidays, then I suddenly catch myself. It’s hard to know how to be “normal” for the kids while we try to navigate this. I’m also feeling anxious about the counselling this week, it’s out of my comfort zone and just don’t know what to expect really.

Not sure what the point of this post was, other than to get my current thoughts and feelings out ‘on paper’, and just to say a genuine thank you to everyone for your support.

Do you think you need time alone? Ask him to leave for a few days? Give you space from it all.

I just wanted to say I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. Your feeling of anger and betrayal are fully justified. It sounds like you’re doing exactly the right things - only time, counselling and how he engages with this will tell whether you can (and want to) get past this.

As someone whose marriage ended because of a shocking infidelity, I will say that even if it feels like you can’t survive this process, you will. Day by day at the moment, and don’t expect too much of yourself - kindness to yourself is essential here.

You have every reason to feel angry do
what's best for you and the children Don't worry about him you could meet someone better in time

Is there a possibility that he's seen a lawyer and found out how much he stands to lose if you split?

I would find it sus that he had no words for days, no remorse, no empathy or caring and as you said, was actively jumping on suggestions of separating, then suddenly he found his words.

But that's the problem. He's proven to be a liar. You don't know if he's remorseful or it's just an act.

Take your time. Go to grief counseling and I still recommend individual counseling but NOT with the same counselor that's doing your marriage counseling. You have deep emotional wounds to heal. I think your husband should be doing individual too. See if he's really engaging in doing the work to repair what he broke with his emotional affair.

You have to answer the question of can you stay with him after this. But you have to know who you're staying with if you decide that and he's shown you don't really know him.

It's good to come back OP, only if to put your thoughts into some sort of order.

Did he go away over the weekend?

Do you think it might be worth seeking the advice of a solicitor, so that you know where you stand, if you should decide that you can't continue with the relationship?

There are lots of people who think you should put up and shut up, or that you need a special reason to leave a relationship; it doesn't occur to them that in order to keep pouring in effort, you have to actually have positive behaviours, like respect, love and kindness. That you actually need to see the support and not see someone insulting you, if you are going to be able to call it a relationship with a straight face.

I hope you & your husband manage to work things out & move on from this ..
Your husband completely over shared , all that said though , I thought this woman was his life long friend & he blocks her ! !
No message to her to maybe say , he has been completely wrong in sharing private details of yr marriage & it’s you he should be discussing these things with ..

I don’t get that , sorry , that’s not the right way to handle things either , blocking her I mean , when they are supposed to be friends ..

What an utterly ridiculous post.

No intimacy/sex???? There's the root of the problem, why do so many women think it SHOULD NOT matter to a man? That's f*rting against thunder. Like it or not, it matters to the vast majority of men. If a woman knows that she just doesn't like even the idea of sex, then she needs to stay away from men (and women, if that applies) altogether. Simple.