I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

[Namechange20002]

Have found out tonight that DH has been speaking to his female friend about our sex life, relationship issues, really intimate personal things. I just feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed, and I don’t know how to come back from this.

We have three young children and haven’t been having a great deal of sex or intimacy for some time. He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself, this is in the hope that it will help her feel more in the right headspace/mood”

I feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

What? I thought you said it was a ONS? But he was telling his friend how good the relationship was and how much he loved her?? Not a ONS then. I'm sorry that happened to you but it sounds like you've kidded yourself a bit. A lot of women just can't get over that sort of betrayal.

What the.....?!! Why on god's earth would she feel like giving him a BJ after this. She wouldn't lower herself after all that crap!

It's probably best that you don't post whilst you are angry or can't remember the post that you are talking about.

To help you the poster said:

"He forgot to disconnect the phone and I heard him giving marriage advice to his friend (!!) saying how good our relationship is, how much he loves me etc. etc. I decided to carry on listening"

I'm not angry. It's probably best that you remember that he was on the phone to her, before he forgot to disconnect. So he was still on the phone to her.
Got it?? Or did you forget that? "He'd rang me"

No - I don't understand. Please explain how he knew that she was listening and decided to tell her about his ONS because silly old me jumped to the wrong conclusion and thought that he thought he had hung up, and that she knew that he didn't know that she was listening.

But I don't really feel terribly sorry for him either way because he had done a pretty nasty thing to Wendy and then Karma came and taught him a lesson.

Be happy & remember that Karma is waiting for us all.

She clearly thought he was still on the line as he hadn't hung up so didn't realise at first. She was still listening because she thought he was still on the line and he was going to say something else to her.

Bloody hell, how has this thread become all about Wendy’s phone call?!

Poor OP is currently going through a hellish time and even her thread is being hijacked by another woman FFS.

It's not bloody helping me to be honest.

I am so glad I overheard him. I'll never know if it was a one-off, the start of something, a regular occurance every time I'm away. But he knows now that I cannot be the trusting wife of 35 years anymore. I do not go through his phone or anything as I couldn't live like that.

My smugness of 35 years married to a 100% trustworthy man has gone though!

christ don’t let anyone guilt you about not ending the call. ffs. totally ridiculous

sorry you’re in the situation you’re in. whether staying will work for you long term remains to be seen - it might, and i really hope it does. i find your situation quite different to the OP’s though. a lot of people might forgive a one-night-stand (i might, in some circumstances) but in OP’s case it’s a much longer, deeper betrayal, plus resentment. i think it’s a more complex situation.

Well maybe he shouldn't have given her reason to snoop.

There should be openness in relationships.

Bollocks, it was clearly inadvertent.

This 100% the best advice I’ve read on here.

’D’H needs to understand he’s done wrong and face the consequences. On your terms, to help you work through what he’s done. Only you (and DH) can decide what you want to do and where to go from here.
I’m sorry you’re going through this OP 💐

see I think the husband has limited choice.....in fact he has only one choice, he can choose to leave but all the other choices can only be made by the OP.

No - he was telling his friend how great OUR marriage is. He was telling his friend how much he loves me, how we get along so well, how we understand each other, I am his best friend etc.. I hung around listening for more of the same. Which is was gut wrenching to hear the next part of his conversation about the ONS.

God that's awful, why on earth do men do this when they already have a fantastic marriage and are still in love and happy with their wives 😔 crazy.

I'd said that at the start of the poor OP post. Her husband is doing the emotional betrayal which in my mind is worse than a ONS, as the other woman gets under their skin. They exchange too many secrets.
My husband didn't even manage the whole sleeping together bit. I heard him boast about things to his mate that I KNOW he's not capable after a few drinks!

I know this is unforgivable hijacking this post and I'm sorry for that.

To this day I'm still none the wiser understanding that. Anyone who knew us said our marriage was what they aspired to.
He said it was an ego boost because his friend had tried to chat the woman up the night before and had failed.

Time will tell I suppose

I'm sorry I've hijacked your post xx

Yes we should get back to OP, we got diverted. I hope she is ok

I agree with this: absolutely totally unfair on OP.

Like I said earlier, I too was a very smug person. Be careful!

Well done ladies.
You have managed to hijack OPs post and made it all about you for the last day 🙄
I hope OP has left this thread tbh.

Sending you a hug OP. An emotional affair is a devasating thing to uncover and counselling may help you both. Even if its just to separate amicably. Just take a beat. He is realising now he has played with fire and it does sound like he has been fantasising about leaving the marriage and drudergy of parenting and this stage of the game. Im not saying ltb Im just offering a hug. What a prick. He will definitely live to regret his shitty behaviour whether you decide to stay ot go. Take a beat. Draw a line and just focus on co parenting and discussing what a different life might look like for you both. A good counsellor will not encourage either of you to stay in an unhappy marriage where your needs are not being met. Take some time to figure out what your needs are beyond expecting the absolute basics of not being betrayed in this horrible way. Single parenting will be hard but so will single dadding and being cast out of the family he has betrayed. You will be ok. Reset some boundaries. Take time to discover what you want and need from him and go gently on yourself xx

To be honest, as much as they have discussed things at length, and it could be described as hijacking, I actually think it is relevant for someone in OPs situation to know that even if you do decide to forgive and forget, like Wendy has done, it means sacrificing a part of yourself that you can never get back.

I hope Op is okay, and hopefully having the support and other peoples shared experience on here has made her feel like she isn’t completely alone.