To be a little bit sad I can't ever marry

[Turmericcall]

I didn't think I'd ever want to. I was financially independent with adult DC, a happy single life and very active social life. I couldn't see any benefits to having a man in my life and only risks in marrying one!

Then I met a man who has changed everything. I'll spare you the soppy bits, but he makes me very happy and we spend a lot of time together, at home and travelling.

He's never been married. I know we can't marry, to protect my DC and to prevent things getting complicated for them and he understands that, but I'm sad that we can't.

We cannot even live together without things getting complicated. A friend's mother has recently died leaving her "new" partner of 17 years in the house. She left a will protecting her DC, but giving him the right to stay in the house while he needs it. So the DC are now faced with an indefinitely delayed inheritance and the "agro" of having him living in "their" house. OTOH she'd lived with him for 17 years, presumably she wanted him taken care of, which people here don't seem to understand when they talk about parents' estates.

Anyway, we'll carry on as we are, but it does sometimes seem a shame.

Yes, unless the will is clearly made in anticipation of getting married soon, it is invalidated by a future marriage.

Doesn't he have his own money and property OP?
He's never been married no DC what on earth has he done with his income? If he has his own money then you don't have to worry about him being left anything of yours . I am wondering if he's a potential cock
Lodger tbh .

Descendants not defendants 😂

I do not understand the problem here at all.

If you had been married to your children’s father their whole lives he’d also get your property upon your death…why is this any different? Everyone has to wait for both their parents to die before they inherit. Yes your partner isn’t your kids Dad but it’s the same situation.

Unless you are 85 and about it pop it any day but your partner is 20, then I really don’t get the drama. You’ll likely outlive him as a woman anyway assuming you are roughly the same age.

My Dad died at 70 and his 60 year old widow inherited his house (she’s not my Mum). I couldn’t care less. She was the love of his love. She’s destroyed without him. She cared for him as his dementia slowly eroded him. She deserves that house. I can wait. Your kids are already adults and so will be well and truly into adulthood when you die (hopefully) so I doubt they are sitting around, twiddling their thumbs awaiting and inheritance.

The simplest thing today is to insure yourself up to the hilt.
My children get 1,000,000 to split between themselves for the life Insurance alone and then anything else is a pure bonus so they won’t care about the house by that point. They’ll take their cash which will be paid out within 30 days of the death certificate assuming there’s no foul play.

Liquid assets are best when it comes to inheritance

Why would a piece of paper make your relationship any better?

I don’t see the point in getting married if the relationship is going well.

And why not both buy a small place together and rent your properties out.
Then your DD will still definitely inherit the property and you and him get to live together.

This is crazy you don’t exist just to leave your children an inheritance you brought them up that is enough. You could choose to spend every last penny. I tell my parents all the time that they earnt it and I hope they spend it doing things they enjoy. I don’t expect anything and neither should your kids.

This exactly, and make the solicitor the executor of the will / trustee of the life interest, that has a cost implication but means the wishes will be followed and any life interest overseen by a professional.

My mum married my lovely stepdad when she'd spent decades paying off the house and buying my dad out when they divorced, so in her will it states her DC get the house but my stepdad has life rights to live there til he dies. Marriage doesn't mean signing away all DC right and inheritance.

I’d much rather my Mum married someone who made her happy, who helped her lived her best life than have her worry about ‘my’ inheritance.
My Mum keeps going on about inheritance, how she won’t do this because it ‘reduces the pot’ etc I keep telling her to spend the lot, I don’t honestly care.
Life is so short, live it to the full, your children, hopefully don’t feel entitled to everything and I’m sure would rather you were happy.
I find it really odd that my Mum is obsessing over trying to hand down vast amounts when she inherited nothing from her own parents as no property etc and still managed to achieve so much.

Me too. You don't need legal piece of paper to be happy OP. I do hope however, that he is not in any way nudging you on this.

What a load of self indulgent nonsense. Sell one of your houses. Move in together. Make provision for your respective children equally from the proceeds of the house sale. Then have mirror wills meaning whichever one of you survives the other stays in the house which is sold once you've both popped your clogs and the proceeds of that sale are divided between the children equally. Nothing is insurmountable. You just don't want to do it.

But actually I agree with the pp who states no one should expect an inheritance.

Apologies if I’ve missed someone posting this but you can make a will
in contemplation of an intended marriage. It has to name the intended spouse and take place within a reasonable time frame. If you wait until after the marriage, you might get knocked down by the proverbial bus coming out of the register office and then rules of intestacy would apply

I think you need to get off Mumsnet if it's tainting your life and world view so much. Remember, if tends to be when things go wrong that posters post for support, no when things are unremarkable or going well

You can marry no problem - get a good lawyer to tidy everything - if bloody foreign oligarchs can arrange their things in the UK in such a way that they leave their inheritance to whomever they want, surely the same legal mechanisms are available for Brits? I mean - we were all warned about 'mirror wills in second marriages' and told what to do - and people do get around most problems if they want to.

It's different because if she was survived by the father of her children then he would be living in his own house that he had paid for.

I think a lot of the posts here are taking the tone and approach they are because you’re essentially saying it’s sad you don’t want to get married, but it’s you who doesn’t want a marriage. What bit do you find sad, because you could have a wedding and make vows but not legally register it.

And you could definitely live together if you get legal advice and appropriate agreements in place - and discuss is openly so there is a Plan B for the surviving spouse to find somewhere else to live within a year (eg you could get life insurance which would pay out enough to buy a property, and only give the surviving spouse the right to remain in your home for a year before the kids can sell)… or have life insurance pay out to the kids to tide them over until the property sells.

You can also have a civil partnership, with a ceremony, if that's what you'd prefer. Sort your will out with a solicitor afterwards so that it says exactly what you want to happen with your estate.

Exactly this, there are plenty of arrangements you can make to ensure that your surviving spouse isn't made homeless, whilst also ensuring that your children's inheritance actually goes to them.

You're being completely dramatic and silly. Evidently you can marry. You simply need to have some open conversations about practical and financial matters and get these legally drawn up. I'm.not sure why but the self pitying and ridiculous nature of the post has really annoyed me.

But this brings about all the downsides of marriage from the OP’s perspective so isn’t really a viable alternative.

No, get married and then make a watertight Will (marriage invalidates any Wills made before the marriage).

You could tie this up so you made sure your children inherited as you want, even if "delayed" because he's allowed to stay in the house. You are not Abelard and Heloise and this "sadness" is self indulgent IMHO.

This is so mixed up. Yes, there are a ton of ways to shaft your kids, mostly by not thinking about things. But of course you can get married, or live together, and still protect your children’s inheritance.

Wow, that's quite an outlook on life. What age are your kids?