To be a little bit sad I can't ever marry

[Turmericcall]

I didn't think I'd ever want to. I was financially independent with adult DC, a happy single life and very active social life. I couldn't see any benefits to having a man in my life and only risks in marrying one!

Then I met a man who has changed everything. I'll spare you the soppy bits, but he makes me very happy and we spend a lot of time together, at home and travelling.

He's never been married. I know we can't marry, to protect my DC and to prevent things getting complicated for them and he understands that, but I'm sad that we can't.

We cannot even live together without things getting complicated. A friend's mother has recently died leaving her "new" partner of 17 years in the house. She left a will protecting her DC, but giving him the right to stay in the house while he needs it. So the DC are now faced with an indefinitely delayed inheritance and the "agro" of having him living in "their" house. OTOH she'd lived with him for 17 years, presumably she wanted him taken care of, which people here don't seem to understand when they talk about parents' estates.

Anyway, we'll carry on as we are, but it does sometimes seem a shame.

Parents are foolish if they move in a new partner or marry IF they don't take steps to ensure that any assets they own will be passed on as they want. It is perfectly possible to legally protect assets. People have problems because they don't get proper legal advice, or they don't follow that advice, or they don't make plans for every possible scenario.

Does your partner have no assets of his own?

If he's got nothing, then I can see why you'd be worried but if he has his own home, surely you can both ringfence your assets and write rock solid wills in contemplation of marriage? Heck, your dc might even profit if he leaves you everything since he has no kids and dies before you.

Problem is, getting married makes a will null and void. You need to marry then make a will.

https://www.willwriters.com/blog/in-contemplation-of-marriage/

Adult children have no control over the outcome. You do.

Think marriage nullifies previous wills so op would need to make a new one after her marriage.

It depends how much money we are talking about, and what the need is. Some spouses are fine financially without inheriting, in which case they can be left a token gift. But if the person you love who has perhaps lived with you for 20 years and cared for you in your final decline, is going to be left homeless or in poverty, then surely they deserve something more substantial?
Ideally there will be enough for both the spouse and the children to inherit.

Well yes, but that doesn't mean that if you're married you can't make a will leaving your assets to your children instead of your spouse.

If you get your will drawn up by a solicitor you will be advised of the consequences of getting married for your will.

If you find a temple will on the internet and DIY, you may indeed not realise that getting married invalidates any previous will unless the will is clearly made in anticipation of a forthcoming marriage.

You have to wonder how they housed themselves before meeting their spouse in late middle age though.

Actually, although the "you're not entitled to inherit anything, stop being so grabby" crowd will come out in force, you'll generally get more posters agreeing that it's very unfair to see your parents' money all go to a step parent or step siblings, but unfortunately if your parent has chosen not to provide for you in their will, there's nothing you can do about it.

You can get married, you have just created a nonsensical long winded excuse as to why it might possibly be slightly more inconvenient for your children as adults if they are not able to turn their parent's elderly widow onto the street.

Might have sold up and spent the money on cruises and the good life (or living costs and repairs/upgrades) with their spouse over the time they lived together on the agreement they'd be looked after in the event of death.

My mum and Stepdad got married but never lived together, kept all finances separate etc.

They both kept their own houses, and would spend a few nights at his, a few nights at hers, the occasional night apart.

It worked well for them and meant there were no issues after she died around inheritance.

In which case they were very silly.

An adult should always try to provide for themselves.

Not everyone meets their partner in late middle age, but even if they do, when you get married you tend to combine your finances to some extend - it's partly what marriage is. So depending what happens, the spouse may or not be able to support themselves as a single person after a long relationship comes to an end. They may also have extra needs themselves by then.
I hate the thought of a spouse being someone who should be wheeled in to fulfil certain functions then cease to exist when no longer needed. It's no fun caring for a partner who is seriously ill or slowly dying, which is what being the surviving spouse often entails.
If it is possible for a parent to arrange things so that their DC can inherit a good chunk of their assets, then that's great, but it shouldn't be the benchmark for a successful late marriage.

If you marry, you're supposed to look out for each other. Cos you, like, love each other. A bold concept, I know.

You also have legal obligations to each other.

I'm not saying otherwise.

But that shouldn't entail the estate of a parent who died decades ago ending up being used to support their surviving spouse's new partner rather than their own children.

You can marry him, if you want to. You can legally protect your assets and leave whatever you want to whoever you want.

You've decided it's too much hassle, so actually you probably don't really want to marry him. If you did, you'd do the paperwork involved.

It's not the children's money. They're not entitled to it. It belongs to the surviving parent and it's up to them how they account for it.

They can piss it away, they might need to use it for care costs, they can leave it to charity, they can make sure their current partner is looked after, it's theirs to decide.

I think you are prioritising completely the wrong parts of life here. Do you think the person now passed away in question here regrets their many years of happily married life because checks notes their elderly husband could not maintain the house to the standard that makes it financially at its peak!?

Or, quite rightly, do you think this woman enjoyed her life to the fullest with her chosen partner and though is now sadly passed and whatever is leftover or available for defendants is the correct amount following a life well lived?

Not if made in anticipation of a marriage.

But it was their parent's money. And that parent would have wanted it to go to their own children eventually, not some random person they never met. Surely you can understand that.

Thanks for the accurate info.
If I wrote a will, didn’t put I was intending to marry but later married would the will be invalid?
( not going to happen but I’m just interested.)

You have a right to live your life, too. It's your money until you die. And the "children" upset that their late mum's partner is in "their" house are no worse off financially than they were when their mother was alive. They just assumed they'd get an insta-inheritance; in reality the mum could have left it all to the partner, or given it to charity, or spent it without telling anyone and left debt when she died. In any case, entitlement is usually distasteful.