To be a little bit sad I can't ever marry

[Turmericcall]

I didn't think I'd ever want to. I was financially independent with adult DC, a happy single life and very active social life. I couldn't see any benefits to having a man in my life and only risks in marrying one!

Then I met a man who has changed everything. I'll spare you the soppy bits, but he makes me very happy and we spend a lot of time together, at home and travelling.

He's never been married. I know we can't marry, to protect my DC and to prevent things getting complicated for them and he understands that, but I'm sad that we can't.

We cannot even live together without things getting complicated. A friend's mother has recently died leaving her "new" partner of 17 years in the house. She left a will protecting her DC, but giving him the right to stay in the house while he needs it. So the DC are now faced with an indefinitely delayed inheritance and the "agro" of having him living in "their" house. OTOH she'd lived with him for 17 years, presumably she wanted him taken care of, which people here don't seem to understand when they talk about parents' estates.

Anyway, we'll carry on as we are, but it does sometimes seem a shame.

There are loads of solutions to this, the most obvious being that you could move in with him.

If you lived together, you are essentially burning through two lots of living expenses and taking up two houses - there's no logic in this being better for some theoretical future inheritance.

If you were only focusing on your DCs inheritance, the best thing to do would be to move in with him, rent your house out with the money going into an account for them. It doesn't sound like he has DCs, so if anything you getting married would benefit your DCs as they could end up with his estate as well. Obviously this would be grasping and unpleasant of you, but I'm just using it to point out the flaw in your logic unless there is a drip feed about him being a gambling addict or something.

There are as many possible good outcomes as bad, financially. I'm sure your DCs would want you to be happy as well. I'd hate if my mum prioritised my getting money after she died over living her own life.

Do you have a tendency to overcomplicate things? It's okay to enjoy life without looking for problems.

presumably both people here are housed currently. Why would one person be left homeless if the other passed away. They are adults. They can find a way in which to protect their assets that don’t involve one of them requiring a life interest in a property.

it’s one thing if it’s sprung upon someone and that person has made themselves unable to house themselves due to paying off the other persons mortgage instead of saving but these people are entirely self sufficient now and can continue to be so after one dies.

You are allowed to be happy. Your children are adults. Put yourself first for a change.

You can write a will that stipulates it is to be still the will after marriage and not invalidated. But yeah. Easier to do the will after marriage. Unless you die between the marriage and writing the will

But do it the other way around as marriage invalidates previous wills.

What a ridiculous post. Of course you can get married! Why do you think you can't?

Get married and then update your will to leave your half of any joint property to your DC. Marriage negates any will made prior to the marriage.

With the right legal provisions after a frank chat about your respective financial positions and plans, I can't see why you couldn't marry. For the life of me I can't see what's complicated about living together either.

Marriage doesn’t invalidate a will, if the will is made specifically in contemplation of the marriage. This means that you can go to a solicitor a month or so beforehand and say I’m marrying John on 4 May and I want to make a will ensuring my children don’t lose out.

There’s no inheritance till someone’s dead. You might need it all for care. If you’re very wealthy put money into trust for your kids.

You can marry. You choose not to to save you the agro.

So the DC are now faced with an indefinitely delayed inheritance and the "agro" of having him living in "their" house

If my children had this attitude towards my life partner of 17 years, and such entitlement towards my estate, I’d think I’d done a shit job of raising them.

An inheritance is nice, but not an entitlement. I am not sure you should give up decades of happiness living with a partner that you want to live with, just to pass something on. That's a massive personal sacrifice.

You could also not live together and then fine your estate is needed to pay for care, at which point you have had decades not living the life you want, and not being able to pass anything on.

You don't have to leave a lifetime interest in the home, you could do a set period of time, leave a sum of money, or not leave anything on the basis they have been saving whilst living with you. You could rent out your property and rent somewhere together. You could rent out your property and move into his. There are lots of options here.

My dad did the same. My mum died young and he never remarried or even lived with anyone as he didn’t want it to affect my inheritance (the care home got it all instead, but best laid plans and all that).

I think you’re being a bit dramatic. You could not marry, live in your own and be lonely and then spend all your assets on your care in old age. Nothing for the children either. Inheritance if it happens is a bonus. Go and see a lawyer and see what they say.

You certainly can marry, but you're choosing not to, therefore you're choosing to make yourself sad.

Although I'd worry that cohabitees could legally acquire rights in future, even if not now

The numerous threads here about children who've lost everything or had difficult sotuatuons to unravel because a parent remarried?

And it's not just death, divorce would see DC's pot reduce.

And yes of course there are numerous other things that might affect their inheritance, but they wouldn't amount to their mother giving it away.

I don’t understand the obsession some people have with being married. What difference does it make?! Other than in your case making things more complicated for inheritance. What is it about marriage that you feel is so
Important to you?

This doesn’t make any sense. There’s no reason at all why you can’t get married and see a solicitor to make a will leaving your house to your DC, if that’s what you want to do.

Of course you can marry. You are choosing not to and blaming your kids.

You seem to be thinking of your property as if you are borrowing it from your children
It's your property. It's your life. Do as you want with your property while you're alive.

If you want your children to inherit after you die you can make a will to that effect.

But remember that at the time of your death you might have been with your partner for a long time, and you and your children might well want him to inherit.

My dad remarried and I would hate if his will left his wife homeless after his death

If marriage is what you truly want, stop martyring yourself and get on with it. protect your assets if you wish but ultimately, your children will understand that your happiness is more important than financial gain even if their ‘pot’ reduces somewhat.

I live with my partner of 18 years. I own the house.

We have wills in place to make sure that both of our wishes are agreed and acted on for my children and his. We have explained our thought process and wishes to all of the children.

They, in turn respect our wishes and see that we are both happy in the long term relationship that we have chosen.

No issues.

An older (60s) relative married a few years ago. Both him and his new wife (who had been in a relationship for a few years) had adult children and grandchildren.

Unfortunately, a couple of years later he was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. The following months were made a lit easier emotionally and legally by the fact they wee married.

His widow now lives in the house they bought together. Eventually it will be split between all their adult children (hopefully not for many years) but until then it is her home. And so it should be.

If you are that worried about "your" house you can always rent your out and live in a rental property together for example.