To be a little bit sad I can't ever marry

[Turmericcall]

I didn't think I'd ever want to. I was financially independent with adult DC, a happy single life and very active social life. I couldn't see any benefits to having a man in my life and only risks in marrying one!

Then I met a man who has changed everything. I'll spare you the soppy bits, but he makes me very happy and we spend a lot of time together, at home and travelling.

He's never been married. I know we can't marry, to protect my DC and to prevent things getting complicated for them and he understands that, but I'm sad that we can't.

We cannot even live together without things getting complicated. A friend's mother has recently died leaving her "new" partner of 17 years in the house. She left a will protecting her DC, but giving him the right to stay in the house while he needs it. So the DC are now faced with an indefinitely delayed inheritance and the "agro" of having him living in "their" house. OTOH she'd lived with him for 17 years, presumably she wanted him taken care of, which people here don't seem to understand when they talk about parents' estates.

Anyway, we'll carry on as we are, but it does sometimes seem a shame.

Yes but on those threads the children are told they're entitled to want control of their parent's money, and that parents are being foolish to move in or marry a new partner.

Not sure I agree with you on that one! Adult children are usually told that they are being greedy/there is no such thing as an inheritance until it happens/ and the money belongs to the parents of those adult children while they are alive. You are basically being told the same thing - it's your money and your kids have no right to expect an inheritance?

Also. lots of advice on here to women on their own ( especially with kids) are advised to make sure that they take steps to protect themselves and their children in the event of a divorce, death etc. But people are telling you that you CAN take steps to protect yourself and your Adult children without having to give up any hope of living with someone/marrying them.

The people who post on here with major problems in that area, have NOT taken those steps to protect themselves, which is why they end up in the shit. It is perfectly possible to protect yourself if you want to without giving up on your chance of happiness

Write a will that clearly protects what you want to leave to your children and tell your partner you have done this. Then plan your wedding if this what both of you truly want.

Marry or don’t marry. Your choice. 🤷‍♀️

Why? It's a completely different point of view and circumstance. Your post is about loving someone, but feeling unable to marry to safeguard money for your children. A post from a child worried about a potential inheritance would rightly be seen as grabbby. Nobody is entitled to inherit money. Me and my siblings have told my parents to spend their money if they want/need to. It's their money.

You can marry, you are choosing not to. You can sort out your inheritance and legal issues if that is what is stopping you being happy. You can certainly live together. I have life insurance that pays my DD’s £150k each which looks after them

Only if the parents haven't anticipated this situation and made proper provision for their children.

Have you got enough assets that you could give your children their inheritance now OP? After all, the younger they are the better for a house deposit or whatever.

If not, why not go and see a solicitor and get proper advice for protecting your assets from divorce/death if marriage is important to you.

I will add though, I know a few later life couples that don't live together, and they seem very happy having their own lives and independence.

I intend to live with my DP once my DS has flown the nest. He will rent out his home. His DC will inherit from him, mine will inherit from me. We will leave each other something nominal - some art work, furniture, etc. but provided the funds aren’t swallowed up with care home fees, our children (we don’t have any joint kids) will inherit from the biological parent only.

I really don't think they are. Adult children claiming to be worried about losing an inheritance, particularly to a partner of 17 years, would be called CFs here.

If one or both or their actual parents have paid for a house, why should they have to wait for an unrelated adult (who hasn't paid towards it) to die?

Because children don't automatically own everything their parents have earned or saved. If one of the parents has a partner who they love and want to protect in the event of their own death, then their children absolutely should wait for that person to die before receiving their inheritance. Or better still, they could wish this person a long and happy life, since they were loved and valued by the deceased parent in question, and very likely supported them during their final years and months.

No, but you advised to make a watertight Will and then get married which would be pointless as OP would then have to make another one!

It's really hard in these situations as you have to think of your spouse as well as your children from any previous relationships.

Perhaps your children aren't as selfish as you seem to think and would like to see you happy? By all means protect yourself but an inheritance is a bonus not something to plan on.

I think OP is wise not to marry. Don't see the point of marriage in your situation.

But I also don't see why your can't live together. You could live half the week at his and half at yours, or rent out your houses and rent somewhere together, or he could move into yours and rent his, etc. This would give him no rights to the house if you were to die first and he wouldn't be homeless as he'd have his to return to.

My mom owns a home and got married last year at 75.

When she dies the house goes to her kids and her husband has 6 months to find a new place to live.

I feel like that protects us all including him. To be honest I would have said he can live there longer but that’s what they agreed to.

I'd find it weird and sad if my Mum hadn't lived with or married my SD because she was concerned about my future inheritance.

It's her money and her house, if she wants SD to have a lifetime interest in it, it's hers to do what she wants with it. My SD is the one with her all the time, he deserves it!

You could not marry or live together and end up spending all the kid's inheritance on care home fees.

If getting married would make you happy, do it. Just make a will that reflects your desires.

Your post is very dramatic take on the issue.

You can absolutely get married.

You just need to take legal steps to ensure anything you want protected, remains protected.

Pay for legal advice and I suspect you will come to a different conclusion.

So basically we all have to choose whether, in the event that we die first, we provide for our spouse and trust that they will eventually do the right thing by our children, or whether we leave it directly to our children to prevent them being sideways disinherited.

In France the law steps in to prevent this type of scenario from arising.

@FOJN obviously the op can't predict whether or not her house would have to be used for care home fees. It's not the point of her post, its irrelevant. Op wants to protect her assets from going to a third party instead of her own children should she be lucky enough to not have to go into a care home. Quite right too! How justifiably hurt her adult dc would be if op died and her partners family inherited instead.

God forbid you get alzheimers or have a stroke and they sell your house for care fees. Your kids earn there only money in life and don't rely on your handouts it's your life your money crsck on

That's completely irrelevant. If there's nothing to inherit, there's nothing to inherit.

If there is something to inherit, it should go to the intended recipients.

But I also get it you get remarried and you die he survives keeps house and gets married again the new partner takes the house. So a will stating your home is to be sold for your kids or you sell and both buy a home togethrr

It's terrible. My brothers friend suggested trying to get my stepmum to move to gain from the sale of my late dad's house. Both he and I were horrified. She was married to my dad for 35 years until his death. Besides as the house was in joint names there's no guarantee that it would pass to us anyway

Im afraid it really isn't - depending on the length of the marriage and the circs the dh could make a claim against the house and at the very least win the right to live there until he dies.

This is why OP needs legal advice and shouldn't be asking advice on an Internet forum. There are many different scenarios that could arise so she should speak to a solicitor.

OP - the best way to protect your children's inheritance is to not get married, if that is what is most important to you.

Discuss things with your DP.

Agree he can stay in the house for say two years if you pre-decease him, after which time he will have to make his own arrangements.

Tell your adult DC what you have decided so that there are no assumptions or surprises.

Then get some proper advice from a family lawyer about the effect of marriage and wills. Consider care fees, and formal / informal care arrangements too.

Then go from there.