To be a little bit sad I can't ever marry

[Turmericcall]

I didn't think I'd ever want to. I was financially independent with adult DC, a happy single life and very active social life. I couldn't see any benefits to having a man in my life and only risks in marrying one!

Then I met a man who has changed everything. I'll spare you the soppy bits, but he makes me very happy and we spend a lot of time together, at home and travelling.

He's never been married. I know we can't marry, to protect my DC and to prevent things getting complicated for them and he understands that, but I'm sad that we can't.

We cannot even live together without things getting complicated. A friend's mother has recently died leaving her "new" partner of 17 years in the house. She left a will protecting her DC, but giving him the right to stay in the house while he needs it. So the DC are now faced with an indefinitely delayed inheritance and the "agro" of having him living in "their" house. OTOH she'd lived with him for 17 years, presumably she wanted him taken care of, which people here don't seem to understand when they talk about parents' estates.

Anyway, we'll carry on as we are, but it does sometimes seem a shame.

I don't really understand why this is making you sad. If he's never been married then presumably he has no children, a home of his own and no complications. You can spend all the time in the world with him that you want, and nothing needs to change. Neither of you need to be financially dependent on the other. What difference would marriage make?

You could move in together if you wanted and rent one of your houses out, so neither of you have burnt your bridges if it doesn't work out and you need your old life back. That way you get the life you want with him but your money and your DC's inheritance is still protected. If you die, he returns to his own house, or if you are in his house then your house simply gets sold. Honestly, the only reason to get married is if you are going to have children, or if your finances are entangled and you need to futureproof your security. Neither applies here.

And??? That doesn’t make a bit of difference to the children.

It makes a difference in terms of fairness.

It's both parents money, they presumably built up the wealth as a couple and lived & worked together to create a home and life.

If the one who died earlier wanted their children to get their half, they would/should have written a will for that. If they didn't and it went to their widow(er) alone then, who are you or the kids to say that wasn't what they wanted? It's not reasonable to expect the survivor to live on alone, only concerned about preserving money for the children, living half a life to do so.

And it's not "some random" person, it's someone their widow(er) chooses to spend the next part of their lives with, in love and companionship. Someone who brings the person they loved new happiness.

It really isn't as straight forward as that. If DH had written a will leaving his share to DC rather than me, even with a lifetime interest, that would have changed things between me and them and given them a call on the house that I might not be happy with. E.g. if they owner half would they expect a say in renovations? Probably a non issue while everyone gets on but potential to cause trouble.

DH priority at the time of his death was that I'd be in as good a place as possible to house and care for DC. He'd also want me to move on and find happiness again. That doesn't mean he expected me to do something "stupid" for love and give away DC's inheritance.

You're not being stupid, or giving away their inheritance. All these posts saying the same thing. Please seek proper, legal advice. You're making this out to be something it isn't.

Is there an upper age limit on that policy?

What kind of inheritance is involved? Millions, or just the proceeds of a modest house that could well be used up in care fees?

Your children could be in their 60s when you die. Do you really think the amount of money involved will make a huge difference to their lives at that point? Should they not already have made their own financial position secure by then?

My husband and I have mirror wills that leaves everything to each other, if we die together it goes to our children.
It is on the understanding that whoever is left will leave everything left to our children. We built up the house and savings together. So it is only right that our children should inherit not someone else even if that someone else is a second wife or husband.

How long do you think insurers will continue to insure you at that level and how much are you prepared to pay for it as you age?

Yes, that's where we are but if you remarry or build a new life with someone else, wouldn't you expect to want to leave them secure/comfortable too?

I spent around a dozen years following the legal battles for same-sex marriage in the UK and the US. Before laws changed, those were couples who really and truly could never marry. You, on the other hand, just don’t want to deal with sorting out some complications about wills and inheritance.

Being married IMO means nothing anyway!

Well it doesn't. If it didn't I wouldn't have any of these concerns 🤣

Well it depends on the situation you're both in.

If you're both financially independent, then write wills so that everything goes to the people you want it to (you, your DC and him whoever he wants, but not you).

If he isn't financially independent, then think about what is best for everyone. Could you split what's left in your will? You could put your home into Tenants in Common, but with new husband only having a 10% (or whatever you want) share. If you die first, your share goes into trust for DC but new husband still has the home to live in.

Pensions etc you could keep to yourselves. Or leave the house to the kids and pensions to new husband.

You'll find that your kids are much more worried about mum being happy in her life than whether she has any money left to leave them. So do what is best for your life not what's going to be better for others after you die.

Nor Pyramus and Thisbe.

Just have a wedding/commitment ceremony without the legal document. Husband and wife in name only, on your terms. Legally “partners” but to you both it is a marriage on your own terms. Outlines those terms beforehand, so you know what you’re agreeing to. Romantic and personal and not involving the government.

Life is exactly what you make of it. If you want something there is always a way for you to make it your own.

You can marry for goodness sake, just get a solicitor and a concrete plan for your assets that protects who/what you want it to. It’s not that hard, drama queen!

So what you're saying is that the first parent to die should have not left it all to their spouse in case they went on to remarry and didn't do enough to protect their children.

Well, yes. But that's precisely what a lot of people don't think to do.

In France the law requires you to do this, because it considers that sideways disinheritance is unfair. It does mean you can't disinherit an estranged child, but no system is perfect.

YABU and being ridiculous. Get married and enjoy your life.

See an excellent solicitor beforehand, draw up a watertight will and put your house or assets in a trust for your DC.

The only reason not to do it is if he’s genuinely destitute and you’re very wealthy, but even then there are workarounds. If you’re sure he’s not a free loader just enjoy yourself and marry.

I’m not sure actually. I think it covers me until I’m 85 and don’t get me wrong. It’s expensive and if I die at 86 the whole thing has been in vain but that seems unlikely.

So I took out the policy when I was 40 and I have calculated that over the lifetime of the policy. I will pay £34,000 for £1 million worth of cover. That doesn’t increase within inflation so it’s 1 million in today’s money.
The amount that I pay doesn’t change as I age so it’s not a case of the insurers making any decisions they are as committed as I am and as long as I make the insurance policy payments the cover remains in place no matter what happens to me cancer strokes anything else that might come along but doesn’t finish me off they have to continue to pay out.
But equally the kids are building their own assets at the same time so whatever it equates to whether it’s a public lunch or a house deposit it’s instantaneous.

She probably has to worry less about their security now that they're adults but I'd be damned if remarrying meant my childrens (adult or otherwise) inheritance was going to.be affected

Your friend and her siblings sound like jerks.

I think you have a very sensible and mature approach to relationships in that you are putting your DC first by not marrying and that's the right thing to do. Many people don't.