To be a little bit sad I can't ever marry

[Turmericcall]

I didn't think I'd ever want to. I was financially independent with adult DC, a happy single life and very active social life. I couldn't see any benefits to having a man in my life and only risks in marrying one!

Then I met a man who has changed everything. I'll spare you the soppy bits, but he makes me very happy and we spend a lot of time together, at home and travelling.

He's never been married. I know we can't marry, to protect my DC and to prevent things getting complicated for them and he understands that, but I'm sad that we can't.

We cannot even live together without things getting complicated. A friend's mother has recently died leaving her "new" partner of 17 years in the house. She left a will protecting her DC, but giving him the right to stay in the house while he needs it. So the DC are now faced with an indefinitely delayed inheritance and the "agro" of having him living in "their" house. OTOH she'd lived with him for 17 years, presumably she wanted him taken care of, which people here don't seem to understand when they talk about parents' estates.

Anyway, we'll carry on as we are, but it does sometimes seem a shame.

Presumably he doesn't own his own house? If you were financially equal, there would be less risk to your children's inheritance. You could move in with him and rent your house out.

But OP is talking about adult children? Should she really be on the hook for their 'financial wellbeing' ie preserving their inheritance ahead of her own wishes, while she's still very much alive??

Seems wrong to me.

Repeating others, of course you can marry. Most people would in your situation (if they wanted to marry).

It's only your risk aversion that's stopping you. Why don't you take some legal advice about how best to protect your kids etc?

Presumably this man (older not a young man) has his own home?

So he can sell it or rent it out and it's his asset if you die first.

He wouldn't be homeless if you left you home to your children.

The odds are that he, as a man, will die before you.

So he should be worried about his assets if you marry!

You're making a problem which doesn't exist.

I can't believe that you don't understand there are wills and trusts for this and that literally thousands of older people marry in later life and protect their assets.

Go and see a solicitor.

Or vice versa.

Your choice not to marry.
Don't blame your kids or society; it’s on you.

You can get married. You’re just choosing not to for various reasons which could all be overcome if you wanted them to.

She left a will protecting her DC, but giving him the right to stay in the house while he needs it. So the DC are now faced with an indefinitely delayed inheritance and the "agro" of having him living in "their" house.

I don't think any adult children should be waiting for a parent to die so they can inherit.

The inheritance is a bonus.

I have an aunt who did exactly this. Or rather her husband did. 2nd time for both of them- widow and widower.

He died, she was left a lifetime residency in what was his house (she'd sold hers when they married.)

Eventually she went into a care home and at that point the house was sold.

We are in this situation and its not always that people are selfish or money grabbing
We expected my Mums partner to die before her but that didn't happen, we also never expected to inherit her house as we assumed she would need care.
However, now there is an 85 year old man living in a property that is completely unsuitable for him with no family nearby. About 6 months before my Mum died she told me that if anything happened to her he would be better off in residential care but as he has somewhere to live he can't access it. Their relationship had also deteriorated to the extent that she had talked about changing her will but she didn't get around to it.
In the meantime I know that at some point I will need to clear out my Mums house and deal with her things so I have no closure at all

In your shoes I won’t marry either. I would leave everything to my children and carry on having a wonderful relationship as if I were married. Win/win

Yes, for my friend it's not (only) that the inheritance is delayed it's all the issues that go with an elderly man maintaining (or not) the house and them having no real ability to influence that. Their mother set things up so he is responsible for maintenance, but how are you going to enforce that?

They shouldn't be waiting for a parent to die so they can inherit, but a step parent is different.

If one or both or their actual parents have paid for a house, why should they have to wait for an unrelated adult (who hasn't paid towards it) to die?

Obviously you’ve seen a solicitor and made sure there are no options for you before you’ve made this life long commitment to not marry even though you want to?

I would have been so upset to learn my parents never remarried purely because they wanted to protect my inheritance. I do not see my parent’s income/ savings/ investments as my inheritance. I see them as financial resources for them to enjoy their retirement. If they died with no money to their name, I would think no differently of them.

If you have found someone you would like to marry, seek legal advice - you can draft a will, marriage can reduce inheritance tax too.

Put it this way, I sincerely hope my parent’s have considered their spouse in their wills and have provided a life interest. I have no business turfing out family for some money and that would make me feel incredibly cruel!

Haha

They have to follow the wishes of their parent!

In the case I knew of, the man's family were very nicely settled, thank you and in their 50s. The money from the house sale was a bonus.

It would be a callous wife/ husband who made his wife/husband homeless in old age.

Also, although the woman moved into the man's house, she did sell her own home so perhaps she contributed to the running of his house, paid bills, part of the mortgage and allowed them to live mortgage free?

I think the term 'step parent' is rather silly when the children are adults in their 50s.

Exactly
My Mums partner was in hospital recently so the house was empty for some time and we didn't know. If I had I would have checked on it. It actually invalidated our insurance but luckily nothing happened
He also has dementia now and he could cause damage, there is also a key safe and we have no idea who has the combination. Many of my Mums (my) posessions could be going missing and/or anyone could be living there
My brother is in sporadic contact with the mans daughter but she lives a long way away and isn't very interested in him. We hope that she will let us know if anything happens.
Of course we could go and check but we have no relationship with him and it would be very obvious we were checking on the house, if he even knew who we were.
I very much doubt this is what my Mum intended when she made her will 20 years ago

Hopefully your friend has sought advice to confirm, but the fact that your friends mum has done this and WASN’T married might actually have made things worse - if the house is over the IHT threshold it is taxed on your friend’s mother’s death, and then AGAIN when the partner dies. So double taxed. If they were married, this would not be the case!!!

(obviously this depends on exact wording of how the property has been left to the partner)

But not getting married has consequences too.

Does this man own his own home?

And if not, why not as he must be middle aged?

Does he see you as a 'good catch'?

Why is living together complicated?

It's all rather weird.

I think you're right OP.

You can wear wedding rings though. That's what my mum and stepfather (unmarried) did.

Well, exactly.

The point is that if the parent who has died already had adult children when the step parent arrived on the scene, that step parent really ought to have sorted out their own housing and have their own assets to fall back on.

Imagine your dad dies when you are 15 and your mum then owns the house in her sole name. She then remarries when you are 22. The mortgage is paid off by this point. The house has been entirely paid for by your mum and dad. Then your mum dies when you are 35, perhaps you're on maternity leave and a bit strapped for cash, or have young children and could really do with upsizing your own home. Do you think your dad would want you to have to wait potentially another 30 years for your step dad to die before you could inherit the house that he and your mum paid for, for the benefit of you and your siblings and any children you have? Surely your stepdad was managing to keep a roof over his head until he married your mum at the age of 50 or so, why does he need to be housed until the end of his natural life at the expense of the rightful heirs to the property?

And if your parents divorced, it's kind of the same principle, unless your own father really contributed nothing at all to the house, ultimately it's a house paid for in part by your father being used for the benefit of your stepfather rather than you and your children.

A lot of women of my mum's generation never remarried after divorce or widowhood, because it was the done thing to put other people's interests (their children's or family's) first. Even to me as a child, it all seemed a bit sad and a waste.

Sure, things might not work out. If that's what's worrying you, other posters have suggested a number of things you can do to protect your finances. You seem savvy enough to be aware of them in any case.

If your kids aren't supremely selfish, they'll want you to be happy living your own life to the full - even if that risks you getting hurt, and/or their inheritance diminishing. They wouldn't want you to eke out an existence as the living receptacle of their inheritance, while they drum their fingers wondering when they can move up the property ladder.

Sorry OP, but even the thread title struck me as the slightly martyr-ish thing my mum's generation would say. "AIBU to be a little bit sad i can't ever marry?" What answer do you expect:
NO, you're not being unreasonable - it's an unfortunate situation over which you have no control, but nobody would begrudge you feeling a bit sad, poor thing.
YES, you're being unreasonable - of course a mother must sacrifice her personal happiness for the sake of the family estate. Suck it up and be glad you at least have something to offer when you die.

I'd ask myself - do I think my kids are supremely selfish?

• If yes, why am I letting them dictate my life?
• If no, why am I blaming them for my 'inability' to marry the man I love?

God, this sounds a lot like my FIL who refuses to spend any money and is living his final months in a house that is no longer suitable for him, uncomfortable and miserable because he doesn't want to "spend the inheritance" - his (very adult) children have all repeatedly told him they don't want it, would far rather he was happy and comfortable, but no - won't spend a pound of his money. It's infuriating.