To be a little bit sad I can't ever marry

[Turmericcall]

I didn't think I'd ever want to. I was financially independent with adult DC, a happy single life and very active social life. I couldn't see any benefits to having a man in my life and only risks in marrying one!

Then I met a man who has changed everything. I'll spare you the soppy bits, but he makes me very happy and we spend a lot of time together, at home and travelling.

He's never been married. I know we can't marry, to protect my DC and to prevent things getting complicated for them and he understands that, but I'm sad that we can't.

We cannot even live together without things getting complicated. A friend's mother has recently died leaving her "new" partner of 17 years in the house. She left a will protecting her DC, but giving him the right to stay in the house while he needs it. So the DC are now faced with an indefinitely delayed inheritance and the "agro" of having him living in "their" house. OTOH she'd lived with him for 17 years, presumably she wanted him taken care of, which people here don't seem to understand when they talk about parents' estates.

Anyway, we'll carry on as we are, but it does sometimes seem a shame.

Talk to your children and your partner (not necessarily together) a out your wish to marry, about what you'd want to happen if you divorced, about what you'd want to happen if you died first and if your partner died first and see if you can all agree on each eventuality. Then go to a solicitor and tell them what you want and take their advice.

It's really not too difficult to solve this issue

No it doesn’t. You have to state in the will your intention to marry, and therefore it remains valid.

I write wills.

Actually just stop thinking about the inheritance at all, it isnt your children’s money. Use it and spend it and if they’re lucky there will be a few pound left after you’ve gone, if there isn’t then tough they will have to make their own money!

Quite - it's the OP that sees it as a barrier to having a partner.

Not because they married. Because they married without setting their affairs in order to prioritise their children over their spouse.

Talk to a solicitor. See what's possible before you dismiss something that might be really easy to sort.

Does he have property to bring to a marriage?
I would want to protect my home and pension in the case of divorce.

To be blunt, why do you want to get married? I don’t see any advantage that marriage would have for you, over a long term relationship without the paperwork. Obviously that’s not very romantic of me, but at the end of the day it’s a legal contract that can have massive financial implications. I don’t blame anyone who is a lower earner or a SAHP for wanting the security of marriage, but you don’t need it.

I think prenups are only persuasive and not binding in the U.K.

This is batshit crazy! Do your children know this? I would be devastated if my parents were putting their lives on hold just so I can inherit. Unless you have horrifically grabby children, I am sure seeing you happy is far more important to them than your money.

This

Your children are adults FGS, do what makes you happy.

Prioritise your happiness over your children's inheritance. Enjoy your life. I'd much rather my mum do this then leave me money.

As others have said there is protection you can put in place.

just get a pre nup as well as ring fencing assets for your kids. fork out for a solicitor on the best way to protect assets for your children in the event of death or divorce.

its really not that difficult to get some legal advice on this. youre being a bit bronte about it all

Well, you can marry, but it's probably wise not to just to make things simple for your children and to create no 'expectations' from your partner. And the fact that pre-nups aren't actually legally binding in the UK means that even if you had one there is no guaranteed outcome. People do strange things when there is money involved. A spouse who agrees that your estate goes to your children may do a 180° turn when the death happens and reality sets in that they will walk away with nothing. And yes, a divorce could be devastating to your finances.

Where I live (in the US) pre-nups are legal and enforceable. When my aunt remarried she and her intended (both well to do 'seniors' with grown children) had a legally binding prenup set out 'what's mine is my children's, what's yours is your children's' including their respective family homes. He later sold his family home and invested in improvements to hers so it was amended to give him a life estate. This man would never have been homeless, he had sufficient resources to re-house himself should my aunt die first. Luckily for my cousins he predeceased her because they weren't looking forward to having to wait 10-20 years for a large part of their inheritance. I'm not saying the life estate wasn't fair, just that it would have been an inconvenience to my cousins.

If you feel you want/need 'something', you can always have a 'life commitment' ceremony, in essence a wedding with no legal paperwork.

👆100%
You don’t owe your kids inheritance.
Live your life happily.

No -make the will after marriage -marriage invalidates previous wills.

As previous posters have said, inheritance issues can be sorted by a will made with intent to marry.

The real issue is divorce. Prenups are not binding in England and the risk is you losing up to 50% of your assets, so you are right to be cautious on your own behalf, let alone your children's.

I would just live with him and take legal advice before doing so.

You can state the will is made with intent to marry and then the marriage doesn't override it.

If you want to 'marry' in a spiritual way you can do all sorts of different ceremonies that relate to you and your partners beliefs. Spiritually or religious or just personally. The marriage doesn't have to be legally binding. If you wish to live together then do so, or keep two homes.

'marriage' to me as a piece of paper isn't important. I wouldn't want to split assets with another or ask them to give me anything of theirs legally if it doesn't work out. But I don't have kids so there's a difference there to many others.

Those children have lost everything because their parent didn't do proper succession planning to make sure that they would inherit.

There are lots of things you can to do protect your children, for example, transferring money or assets to them now.

If you really want to marry, and he does too, then why wouldn't you get proper legal advice on protecting your children's inheritance? It is possible, so why not do it?

Just live together then. It doesn’t give him any rights in the uk. Your friend put a clause in to enable her partner to live there otherwise the kids could have turfed them out.

I think it's so sad that step-parents/long-term partners are so often not respected by the children in situations like this and are treated totally differently than if one of their own parents were left behind.

It seems that even when there had been good relationships during the parents lifetime, as soon as that parent dies the children just want the SP out of the house so they can cash in. It seems so cruel and makes me worry for my own future as a step-parent.

This is crazy. My mother is happily re married, however if it went wrong I may well be concerned for her and her finances but I wouldn't be there thinking about my inheritance?! It's her money and her life, she's not some kind of caretaker for my future funds.

live your life OP, not theirs!

It's actually refreshing to hear someone put the interests of their children over getting with a new partner or marrying them. Most people, especially men, are happy to put their kids financial or emotional wellbeing at risk to satisfy their own wants and needs.