To be a little bit sad I can't ever marry

[Turmericcall]

I didn't think I'd ever want to. I was financially independent with adult DC, a happy single life and very active social life. I couldn't see any benefits to having a man in my life and only risks in marrying one!

Then I met a man who has changed everything. I'll spare you the soppy bits, but he makes me very happy and we spend a lot of time together, at home and travelling.

He's never been married. I know we can't marry, to protect my DC and to prevent things getting complicated for them and he understands that, but I'm sad that we can't.

We cannot even live together without things getting complicated. A friend's mother has recently died leaving her "new" partner of 17 years in the house. She left a will protecting her DC, but giving him the right to stay in the house while he needs it. So the DC are now faced with an indefinitely delayed inheritance and the "agro" of having him living in "their" house. OTOH she'd lived with him for 17 years, presumably she wanted him taken care of, which people here don't seem to understand when they talk about parents' estates.

Anyway, we'll carry on as we are, but it does sometimes seem a shame.

If i thought that one of my parents was living their life in such a way that they were not as happy as they could be to make sure i got an inheritance i would be horrified. I was brought up to stand on my own two feet. I was brought up to earn what is mine. So i would want my parent to spend their money living the life they want not in anticipation of what i might do when they die.

First reply nails it.
What needless drama, op.

A parent's remarriage to the right person can potentially make their DC's lives better and leave them richer. It's not a zero sum game.

My second husband is wealthier than me (because he hadn't lost some years of earning to parenting as I had). My money I brought into the marriage is invested for my children to inherit, his money is in a property we live in together and we share/split equally the money we earn since we married.

But even if DH2 wasn't wealthier than me it would still be better financially for my DC as it's generally cheaper to run one home for two people rather than two separate homes.

I'd have only ruled out marrying DH2 if he was penniless and lazy with no prospects of earning decently in future, because taking on another financial dependent wouldn't be fair to my DC. If he had no assets but was hard-working I'd have put off marrying him until he'd built himself up financially.

Are you 80+ years old or does one of you have a terminal illness?

If not why are you acting like it?

Just move into a house together, it's not that deep.

Very weird to not being married to conserve an inheritance. My parents wealth is theirs I don’t have my eyes on it. Live your life and make a sensible will. If the pot is reduced by divorce or issues with life interest in a property what is it to your children, surely they want you to be happy.
Thank goodness I have sensible parents who live their own lives.

Fine. LTB

Have a big moving in together celebration and make legal agreements over who gets what.

You can marry. All the problems you foresee with marriage, in relation to your kids, are preventable and surmountable. You’re being ridiculously dramatic. Get married if you want. Don’t if you don’t. But claiming you ‘can’t’ is just self-pitying nonsense

Children who've lost everything? It's your money, not theirs! If your children didn't inherit anything from you they wouldn't have lost anything.

The reality is that you don't want to get married, not that you can't.

It's the end of the world!

I can see where you are coming from OP. I too would worry about my children missing out down the line. More importantly I would worry about losing half my estate to a divorce. I couldn’t see from your replies if your partner owns their property and has a similar level of wealth. If you both own homes outright or with similar equity plus similar financial positions, then that’s one thing, however if you own and he doesn’t you are risking losing half of your home and pensions if things didn’t work out. I don’t think that is a ridiculous concern at all- let’s face it we have all read enough divorce threads on MN to see what the reality for many women can be. For what it’s worth I wouldn’t ever remarry for exactly the same reasons.

Exactly! I'm not expecting to inherit anything from my parents. It's their money! I hope they spend the rest of their lives enjoying it.

Would your child not care more about your happiness than their inheritance?

This pot you speak of isn’t your children’s money. No one has a right to inheritance. You can get married if you want to.

You would hope so, wouldn't you?

Well, you can imagine the post on here ‘AIBU to resent my mother continually complaining that she can’t marry her longtime partner because of imaginary inheritance issues, despite us all telling her we’re financially comfortable, and would far prefer her to marry if that’s what she wants?’ Or ‘AIBU to think she doesn’t really want to, and is just using us as an excuse?’

I ponder this. My children's potential inheritance is more important to me than a relationship. I own my house and don't want them to have any extra stress when I die.

I've been on the shitty end of the stick with a parents remarriage and (non) inheritance and I won't do it to my children.

Wow. Imagine living your entire life avoiding anything positive lest it deplete your children’s inheritance.
What sort of miserable half life is that?

Why are you denying yourself basic happiness in order to protect some hypothetical inheritance being delayed in reaching your children?

With respect, that is insane. Your money is yours and your house is for you to live in. Live, OP.

Protect your assets however you want but I’m sure your children would rather stand at your funeral saying you had a rich and happy life and did everything you always wanted to do. I highly doubt they’ll say “Well, so glad Mum held off on her dreams because now I’ll get a cheque and it won’t be delayed any.”

Pretty fucked up way to look at life. Besides, you could not marry and have to sell your home and spend it all on care fees when you’re elderly. You quite literally don’t know. I can never get my head around this attitude at all.

No one is owed inheritance. It’s not inheritance, it’s YOUR LIFE. Your home. Not a husk you have to preserve the worth of. Jesus.

This is kinda insane lol. Of course you can marry.

My father married my stepmother when I was almost an adult, they of course became a new family, with me included and her kids, and a new will was drawn up to account for that, to ensure all kids of the marriage were equally considered.

It's not rocket science.

You can. You just need an estate planning solicitor and a financial planner.

Oh my goodness, of course you can't marry in such terrible circumstances, the very sky would fall in, oceans would boil etc. etc.

I'm sure your ADULT DC would be thrilled to hear that you're living (as a PP put it) a miserable half life in thrall to their distant inheritance which will definitely not be used for your care when you are elderly.

I'm being sarky, but really, you are being a touch melodramatic about a non-problem that can be sorted out in half an hour with a solicitor.

Stop worrying about your grown up children and their inheritance and start doing things for yourself that make you happy. Move in with the man you love, marry him and be happy, write a will and then just get on with life. You’ll be dead one day so the kids can sort everything out and you won’t have to worry!

This has to be a reverse from some adult kid who can’t handle an inheritance issue. Of course people can marry, of course life time interest in a property might be in place if your mum or dad wanted that, of course you can put in place protections if you so wish, of course no one is guaranteed inheritance either.

I know people who've married in such circumstances and who are enjoying happy and harmonious lives. Presumably they've sorted out and made arrangements for their property and children's inheritance. You could enjoy that happy life too and look after your children's interests.

The sensible thing would be to see a solicitor who specialises in wills and inheritance. Go prepared with clear facts and figures and ask how to protect your own finances and assets and how to make provision for and protect your children's inheritance, if you marry.

There may be a bit of complication in working it out but I expect it can be done in a way that would make you happy and enable you to have the life you'd enjoy