I want my BF to skip friend group ski trip

[nialetahc]

Hey everyone! I’m 19 (female) and my boyfriend A is also 19 (male). We’ve been together since we were 15, so almost 4 years now. When we first started dating, we both prioritized each other over friends. He didn’t like my friends (mostly guys) because they were rebellious, so I ended up distancing myself from them and spending time with A and his friends, who are now mine too, but if we ever break up, they’ll stick with him, so I still consider them his friends.
The issue now is that after almost 4 years of spending all my time with A (we moved in together) and his friends, we’ve found trouble with our personalities being very different. I’m introverted and antisocial, while he’s extroverted and sociable. To work on my social skills, I make myself go out with my friends from uni once a week (which he loves, because they are absolutely awesome), and on weekends, I either see my family (rarely, maybe once every 4 months) or his family and friends. He always comes with me because he’s also friends with my uni friends, and he loves it; he even asks me to come when I find another way to get there.
On the other hand, A goes out a lot more. He does all I do (as seen above), but he also goes out nearly every day, from Tuesday to Sunday, for about 1.5 to 3 hours each time. He says we need to go out more because of my antisocial habits, and that it'll do me a favour. I’ve asked him multiple times not to include me when he goes out because I don’t enjoy it, but he insists he doesn’t want to go without me. So I either go and ruin the evening by complaining, or refuse, and then he makes himself stay home because he doesn't want to go without me. Also, I don’t help because when he leaves me alone at home to go out, I freak out because I feel like it’s unfair. I try my best to always go out with him, but I don’t feel like he does anything to stay in.
Now, his friends are planning a ski trip, and they asked me to join. I said no because of exams (I really need to study) and I get car sick (it’s an 8-hour ride). My reasons for him not to go are that two people have never skied before, and A doesn’t enjoy skiing. Plus, it’s going to cost around 300€ for a weekend, which seems too much when A won’t even be skiing properly and instead will be watching his friends try to learn. Meanwhile, A and I were planning a holiday for July or August, somewhere like Greece or Bali, and it would cost about the same, but he thinks it’s too expensive. However, if we multiply the cost of the ski trip (150€ per day) by 7 days, it’s nearly the same.
I know this sounds complicated, but it’s all connected. I really want A to skip the ski trip and spend that time with me instead. I’ve made a lot of effort to go out for him, so I’d like him to do the same in return. But he’s likely going, and I’m frustrated because it feels unfair. I’ll be angry all weekend, I won’t be able to study properly, and I’ll be stressed because I have trouble sleeping when he’s not around.
So, I’m asking: Am I being unreasonable? Or am I overreacting? Or is he being unfair?

It doesn't sound like this relationship has much of a future.

You need to spilt up you’re not suited to each other and it’s getting toxic you need a guy that wants to stay home with you and doesn’t mind who you’re friends with you have no right to ask him not to go on a ski trip with his friends and you have no right to control him
you need to spilt up It’s toxic

You’re being unreasonable and he deserves to go on holiday with his mates he deserves better you need to break up and let him find a girlfriend to share in his dreams and take on hoilday with his mates not one that demands he stay at home with her you need to focus on your course work he’s making you mentally ill so break up

Seriously, why would you get attacked while you are out with friends?

I think you've grown apart and changed a lot. 15 old versions of you are wildly different to now. You're too dependent, you both need to work out who you are as individuals. And in the nicest way possible you need to work on yourself and your issues and maybe accept some things about yourself, your control issues, sense of entitlement for certain things.

Gosh you both sound so young. Time apart is healthy. I suggest that you stay in and enjoy your evenings while he goes out and enjoys his evenings. It’s fine for him to go on holiday with his friends. Maybe you should go on holiday with your friends too? Also get in touch with your exfriends, they were an important feature in your life. You can go out without DH, it’s healthy and balanced

I’m frustrated because it feels unfair. I’ll be angry all weekend, I won’t be able to study properly, and I’ll be stressed because I have trouble sleeping when he’s not around.

Goodness me, and you're at university?!

Dump him and start to grow up. Become independent. Your future self will thank you.

Break up.

It was a childhood relationship and you were toxic at that point ditching friends and prioritising each other when you were only kids.

Now you’re young adults and you’ve discovered that you are fundamentally different and it’s causing issues. You cannot control him and, at 19, should be going on fun friends holidays and having fun.

Its not going to work out long term. Break up.

Also Greece and Bali will cost significantly more than 300 euros. That’s less than a one way flight to Bali.

Also you won’t actually be able to separate or figure out who you are while living together. You need to move out.

It will likely fall apart with a bang anyway if you don’t break up. Very very few couples who met at 15 end up together for life.

I guess that depends what you're shopping for to some degree. I would say is that it would be more healthy to learn to trust your own judgement, have your own views, even if you don't always agree with your partner.

I speak from personal experience when I say that I know how easy it is to lose yourself in a relationship, let alone never develop into your best self because you're so entwined in another person's life. I suspect that you would both benefit from taking a step back to look at how you do things as a couple, things that have come so naturally to you that you don't even realise you're doing them. So many little things that you've both settled on without ever really exploring options - Runaway Bride gives a good example, where the bride doesn't know/trust herself - she doesn't actually know how she prefers her eggs.

There are some good books on Co-dependency, Co-Dependency No More comes to mind, maybe you could take a look and see if anything strikes a chord.

grow up

I think that’s more your doing than his. This is a ridiculously intense relationship for your ages and you sound like you need some counselling. To say you can’t sleep and you’ll be anxious all weekend is not normal.

@nialetahc

100% this! ⬆️

You're both stopping the other from being happy.

I think this is where your are (and through no fault of your own) not mature enough and not worldy wise enough to see you really do need to break up. In life you'll learn that sometimes you can love someone very much but still need to break up. It's a great shame to be in that situation but loving someone isn't enough for a relationship to be healthy and thrive and survive. Wanting it to work doesn't mean it will work.

You've also got to take into account that because your relationship is your first and only, and seems very intense, a lot of what you feel is love is actually just habit. You're so used to being with him that life without him is very empty and miserable. That's not love.

You’re only 19. Let him live a little!

Yes YABU

I disagree. He made her give up her friends because he didn't like them, she's not allowed out on her own and he forces her to come out with him when she doesn't want to. There are a shit load of red flags in both directions.

OP, in a normal healthy relationship, you would happily spend time apart and do your own things, you'd respect each other's needs, he has no say over your friends or you going out without him (don't make excuses for this controling behaviour, you're an adult, he is not your parent), and you'd also spend time together both at home, and on nights out. Why is it you will be so upset if he goes on this trip exactly?

She's 19 FFS and had a seriously abusive father. Do you think that doesn't impact development? Why don't you grow up and stop being an unempathetic dick to teenagers.

You both have a lot of growing up to do. I am an introvert, but my introversion is not my husband's problem and I do not make it so. I encourage him to go out with his friends. You both need independence.

I feel you need to get some therapy before you invest yourself in a serious relationship.

Your partner sounds very controlling over what friends you have, and it will only get worse.

This is not a healthy, or mature relationship at such a young age. Moving in together was probably the catalyst to the deterioration of your relationship.

I would either trial living separately, or part ways. You're both far too young, behaving inappropriately, and very toxic to one another this soon in life. You need more life experience without one another.

As the saying goes - If something is meant to be, it will be.

That’s toxic my ex husband was like that

Gosh you sound like hard work. You seem to be saying that you don't want to socialise, and complain/cause problems when you have to, but you resent it when he goes alone because it makes you feel abandoned. Try to see it from his point of view. If I were him I'd be looking elsewhere for a partner.

Living together at 19, can't go out without each other without anger / recriminations, mismatched social needs. It all sounds very unhealthy op.

Is this a relationship because you are truly in love, can't wait to grow old, can imagine sharing a house / life / kids / pets etc forever, where you mutually support and encourage each other, or is this where you landed cos you never knew you could stay stop?

As many people have said, it’s far too much, too young and not at all healthy for your development - certainly not at 15 and even now at 19. Do neither of you have parents who advised you out of enmeshing your young lives together so entirely? I get your father was abusive, so count him out, but hasn’t your mother or your boyfriend’s parents ever tried to guide you along a different path?

Not dramatic at all. You are 19. The whole point of our first few relationships is to find out what our boundaries are, what type of person we are suited to etc. Love really isn’t enough. It takes a lot more to make a relationship work.

Just with regard to the anger and being on hormonal contraception, you might find it helpful to take a good quality magnesium supplement, I found this levelled my moods out a great deal.

thank you