I want my BF to skip friend group ski trip

[nialetahc]

Hey everyone! I’m 19 (female) and my boyfriend A is also 19 (male). We’ve been together since we were 15, so almost 4 years now. When we first started dating, we both prioritized each other over friends. He didn’t like my friends (mostly guys) because they were rebellious, so I ended up distancing myself from them and spending time with A and his friends, who are now mine too, but if we ever break up, they’ll stick with him, so I still consider them his friends.
The issue now is that after almost 4 years of spending all my time with A (we moved in together) and his friends, we’ve found trouble with our personalities being very different. I’m introverted and antisocial, while he’s extroverted and sociable. To work on my social skills, I make myself go out with my friends from uni once a week (which he loves, because they are absolutely awesome), and on weekends, I either see my family (rarely, maybe once every 4 months) or his family and friends. He always comes with me because he’s also friends with my uni friends, and he loves it; he even asks me to come when I find another way to get there.
On the other hand, A goes out a lot more. He does all I do (as seen above), but he also goes out nearly every day, from Tuesday to Sunday, for about 1.5 to 3 hours each time. He says we need to go out more because of my antisocial habits, and that it'll do me a favour. I’ve asked him multiple times not to include me when he goes out because I don’t enjoy it, but he insists he doesn’t want to go without me. So I either go and ruin the evening by complaining, or refuse, and then he makes himself stay home because he doesn't want to go without me. Also, I don’t help because when he leaves me alone at home to go out, I freak out because I feel like it’s unfair. I try my best to always go out with him, but I don’t feel like he does anything to stay in.
Now, his friends are planning a ski trip, and they asked me to join. I said no because of exams (I really need to study) and I get car sick (it’s an 8-hour ride). My reasons for him not to go are that two people have never skied before, and A doesn’t enjoy skiing. Plus, it’s going to cost around 300€ for a weekend, which seems too much when A won’t even be skiing properly and instead will be watching his friends try to learn. Meanwhile, A and I were planning a holiday for July or August, somewhere like Greece or Bali, and it would cost about the same, but he thinks it’s too expensive. However, if we multiply the cost of the ski trip (150€ per day) by 7 days, it’s nearly the same.
I know this sounds complicated, but it’s all connected. I really want A to skip the ski trip and spend that time with me instead. I’ve made a lot of effort to go out for him, so I’d like him to do the same in return. But he’s likely going, and I’m frustrated because it feels unfair. I’ll be angry all weekend, I won’t be able to study properly, and I’ll be stressed because I have trouble sleeping when he’s not around.
So, I’m asking: Am I being unreasonable? Or am I overreacting? Or is he being unfair?

This is a toxic and enmeshed relationship - you don’t have friends other than his and as such it becomes too much.

you are young you need space to find you not you and him

In my experience, the good thing about being an introvert (me) in a relationship with an extrovert (dh), is that the extrovert partner has lots of friends that they can spend time with to fulfil that part of their personality, while you get downtime to recharge without feeling guilty.

If you can't compromise for each other and also play to your strengths then it's not going to work out. He should go on the ski trip and you can study. You should go out with your mates when you want to and he should keep his thoughts about you "being attacked" (wtf?) to himself.

This is so stifling and unhealthy. You must have little sense of self beyond the relationship. It's a recipe for disaster further down the line.

What a ridiculous relationship - harsh but true - you have the whole world in front of you far too young to be bogged down

The relationship sounds toxic. Ideally I think you should be separating and finding your own way in the world, if it's meant to be you will come back together.
If you're going to stay together you need to let him have his ski trip, you need to be going out with friends without him and he needs to be letting you have time in on your own. If you carry on this way in a relationship where you have no life of your own you are both going to resent each other.
I do wonder if he is controlling, odd that he drove you away from your old friends, comes out with your new friends and insists you go out with him when you don't want to.

Thank you.

I don’t think you need to split up straight away.

I think you should try each doing what suits you - no compromises to please the other one, especially not turning stuff down - for say 6 months to a year. So stay together but a less intense and less controlling version, on both sides. After that time you take stock and see if the less intense version is working for both of you. You might find everyone is happier, or you might find you’ve grown apart when given freedom.

Thank you, this is a different view and quite refreshing. We'll try.

When I was 19 (and probably in my 20s as well) I would have had the same idea as you, and would have asked him not to do the ski holiday. 25 years later, and as the mum of an older teenager, I think it’s a bit unhealthy and possibly suffocating to insist on a couples holiday instead of him going away with his friends. I relied very heavily on the company of my long term boyfriend when I was a young adult, to the detriment of friendships, which made our breakup even more difficult, as I had neglected making an effort with anyone else.

Just want to share my perspective as I have been in a similar situation to OP:

We both met at 14 years old and got into a relationship, by 18 we were living together. Childhood sweethearts if you want to call it that. Joint at the hip, wherever he went - I went and vise versa. We also used to “prioritise each other over friends” to the point we’d both get annoyed if either of us wanted to go clubbing. He hated me going out on girls night outs, said he was worried. I remember telling him not to go on a weekend away with his friends.

We broke up at just shy of 20 years old. Both of us just wanted and craved living life but it’s impossible when you’re a teenager joint at the hip with someone else. I look back at that relationship and I realise how unhealthy it was. Friends told me afterwards they thought we were really cringy that we couldn’t go out without each other. I laugh about it now to be honest.

He is 19. He deserves to explore the world, go skiing with friends. You deserve alone time with friends too! You are so young - don’t waste this time.

I’m married now with DC and me and DH are certainly not joint at the hip, we both have evenings to ourselves and see our friends separately.

My opinion is let him go, and if you both really want the relationship to work, kindly you both need to ensure you both have time alone. Make friends, or reconnect with old ones. Go out once or twice a week without DP. DP does the same. Tell him to enjoy his skiing trip

Or , you break up

So similar to what I just posted above!

You’re two kids playing at being grown up, but with teenager mentalities. Both of you need to get a lot more youthful experience under your belt before you do the adult stuff for real, and you won’t do that when you are joined at the hip.

I think op just made that up to get comments on her side i may be wrong but thats how it comes across to me.

I’ll be angry all weekend, I won’t be able to study properly,

This is ridiculous, why will you be angry 'all weekend'?! You don't own your BF and he's allowed to go on a holiday with friends even if you don't go.

If you need to study then stop the drama and get your head down and study.

So you need to stay at home and study, and rather than being happy your BF will be out of your hair, being entertained by his friends and not looking for you for attention therefore giving you the space to concentrate on studying you’re going to get mad at him for going or ask him not to go at all. This can’t be true. And if it is, you two are not compatible.

My love ,my DS is 19, and has a GF who for other major shit going on in her life reasons, has moved in with us. They spend time together, mostly, and they also make separate plans sometimes. She has her own anxiety issues, and could do with a bit of confidence building, but she has a support therapy group, she is working on it and just being here and safe she is blossoming.

As an old fart, my advice is that you do need to have time away from each other, and at 19 you can't clip each others wings, this is the best time in your lives to get out and do things and learn about the world.

I will also tell you that I suffered from mild agoraphobia a few years ago. I KNOW what you are talking about when you talk about the idea of going out being excruciating, but actually going out is not as bad once you are there.

Have you tried Rescue Remedy? I really didn't want to take any AD med or tranquillisers etc and this was suggested to me by my then GP. I really do think it gave me just that little bit more bravery and helped me get my arse out of the house.

You need to get into a routine where you go out a few times a week, on your own, and face the fear. the longer you do this, the easier it will get. I got a job where I had to go into London occasionally, travel to Europe etc and to begin with (this was post pandemic) it was mildly terrifying. BUT IT GETS EASIER OVER TIME. Now I can decide to do something on a whim and just do it.

You can and will get there too.

Let him do the holiday, if he wants to do it. I know a few people who don't like the skiing, but love being there. If he can afford to do it, and wants to do it, at 19, he absolutely should.

I suppose the only thing is with the holiday is that if this affects the greek holiday somehow, then as a couple you need to come up with a way that you both get a break, even if not Greece, but somewhere cheap and cheerful. Bulgaria, hungary are cheaper than Greece IIRC.

I think you should encourage him to go. I think you should find things to do for yourself too. 19 is a tricky age, you're expected to be an adult, but not too much experience of managing life generally, let alone with agoraphobia or anxiety.

You do need to be more independent of each other. Long term aims, not drastic acts now though

I think you need to sign yourself up for martial arts or self defence classes actually, you will feel stronger, it will get you out of the house and I absolutely don't accept him telling you not to go out without him.

@nialetahc , you aren't antisocial. you're unsociable. There's a big difference.

If you really are anti-social, then you need help.

Off topic but where do you live that a holiday to Bali would be that cheap!

On your issue you are both young and I would have an issue with my child’s partner saying that they can’t go in holiday with their friends at that age. Would be highlighting a whole lot of red flags for me

Yes, YABU.
They have told you to join and you don't want to go. Let him go if he wants.
You can't have it all.
Regarding friends, if you want to see them on your own or with him do it. Make as much as you like etc.
Do want you like but never force others to do what do you like if they don't like it.

You been together since 15 so you don't know any different.
I think it would be healthier to go your separate ways. You both sound a bit controlling.

It’s not at all ‘dramatic’. You just have very different ways of relating to the world. And frankly, you’re not doing one another any favours by having been joined at the hip since the age of 15. You shouldn’t be prioritising a teenage relationship over anything!

Break up, it sounds like neither of you know what a healthy relationship looks like. This isn’t it sorry.

Your relationship is really unhealthy, you are both controlling and unreasonable. You need space to grow and so does he.

This is not a healthy relationship.
You're 19!! You both should be out enjoying life, not joined at the hip.