I want my BF to skip friend group ski trip

[nialetahc]

Hey everyone! I’m 19 (female) and my boyfriend A is also 19 (male). We’ve been together since we were 15, so almost 4 years now. When we first started dating, we both prioritized each other over friends. He didn’t like my friends (mostly guys) because they were rebellious, so I ended up distancing myself from them and spending time with A and his friends, who are now mine too, but if we ever break up, they’ll stick with him, so I still consider them his friends.
The issue now is that after almost 4 years of spending all my time with A (we moved in together) and his friends, we’ve found trouble with our personalities being very different. I’m introverted and antisocial, while he’s extroverted and sociable. To work on my social skills, I make myself go out with my friends from uni once a week (which he loves, because they are absolutely awesome), and on weekends, I either see my family (rarely, maybe once every 4 months) or his family and friends. He always comes with me because he’s also friends with my uni friends, and he loves it; he even asks me to come when I find another way to get there.
On the other hand, A goes out a lot more. He does all I do (as seen above), but he also goes out nearly every day, from Tuesday to Sunday, for about 1.5 to 3 hours each time. He says we need to go out more because of my antisocial habits, and that it'll do me a favour. I’ve asked him multiple times not to include me when he goes out because I don’t enjoy it, but he insists he doesn’t want to go without me. So I either go and ruin the evening by complaining, or refuse, and then he makes himself stay home because he doesn't want to go without me. Also, I don’t help because when he leaves me alone at home to go out, I freak out because I feel like it’s unfair. I try my best to always go out with him, but I don’t feel like he does anything to stay in.
Now, his friends are planning a ski trip, and they asked me to join. I said no because of exams (I really need to study) and I get car sick (it’s an 8-hour ride). My reasons for him not to go are that two people have never skied before, and A doesn’t enjoy skiing. Plus, it’s going to cost around 300€ for a weekend, which seems too much when A won’t even be skiing properly and instead will be watching his friends try to learn. Meanwhile, A and I were planning a holiday for July or August, somewhere like Greece or Bali, and it would cost about the same, but he thinks it’s too expensive. However, if we multiply the cost of the ski trip (150€ per day) by 7 days, it’s nearly the same.
I know this sounds complicated, but it’s all connected. I really want A to skip the ski trip and spend that time with me instead. I’ve made a lot of effort to go out for him, so I’d like him to do the same in return. But he’s likely going, and I’m frustrated because it feels unfair. I’ll be angry all weekend, I won’t be able to study properly, and I’ll be stressed because I have trouble sleeping when he’s not around.
So, I’m asking: Am I being unreasonable? Or am I overreacting? Or is he being unfair?

Why do you need his opinion? He's hardly Gok Wan! I have never once asked my husband of his opinion on my clothes shopping (or house either for that matter, he doesn't care!) and we have been together for 40 years!

What does your mother think of your relationship? I would not be happy if this was one of my kids. DH and I got together at 21/22 and we still kept our own friends and did things independent of each other. In fact he went on a lads' skiing holiday when we weren't that long together and I wasn't bothered in the least! Plus I wasn't invited and would have had no interest in going!

But he’s likely going, and I’m frustrated because it feels unfair. I’ll be angry all weekend, I won’t be able to study properly, and I’ll be stressed because I have trouble sleeping when he’s not around.

This is toxic and controlling behaviour.

I had my first BF at 17, he was always encouraging me to go out more often with my own group of friends and I didn't care when he went out, we had no intention of living together. It is very unhealthy to see your friends less because you have a BF. You need your own interests.

It’s very extreme and bizarre behaviour, and I agree that I think there is some control and manipulation happening.

You’ll be so angry you won’t be able to study? Come one. My DH has gone away without me many times and I’ve wished him well (and we’ve been together since I was 19 and I’ve always felt happy for him that he was enjoying himself without me).

OP you need to be alone for a while, you aren’t mentally and emotionally mature enough for a relationship. Please listen to what the majority are saying here, this isn’t okay.

Agree with PP this relationship doesn't sound very healthy, you should both socialise with others. Whilst I think different personalities can work very well in relationships, you are polar opposites, as in he goes out much more frequently than most people - even a lot of extroverts I know would be absolutely exhausted at his level of socialising. And you sound like you dislike socialising much more than average. Relationships are about compromising, but only some of the time. If you're both having to compromise the majority of the time then it's not healthy.

Either way though, irrespective of the back story, I'd be really pissed off with a boyfriend who said that going on holiday with me was too expensive, and then deciding to spend more money going on a skiing holiday with mates when he doesn't even ski (assuming you're going to France or Switzerland at this time of year, those resorts are not cheap for food and drink either, it will be significantly more than a week on the beach in Greece or Turkey). That's showing you where you sit on his properties

This could be a solution but we live together, so I don’t know how that would work. We could just give 6 month break to the « old married » style.

Haha sorry !! I’m French and we call it a DUI I think ??

At 19 I would urge him to go on the ski trip. He will have the time of his life. If he was 49 and leaving a wife and kids at home with a sickness bug I’d probably say he should listen to his nagging wife. He’s 19!

Being in a four year relationship at the age of 19 is everything I don’t want for my children.

Would you like me to do an update when his gone skiing? Honestly I wasn’t « letting » him go or not as I know that it isn’t my choice. I didn’t tell him my reasons to why he shouldn’t go because I didn’t want to stop him going.

So you’re not allowed to go out without him and he’s not allowed to go out without you?

This is deeply, deeply unhealthy.

As an aside, surely your friends are less than happy that he comes along every time?

And yes, of course he goes on the ski trip.

Here it's an IUD (intra uterine device) DUI made me laugh because i just think of cops on shows pulling drivers over for DUI's (Driving Under (the) influence)

Yeah. He’s controlling as fuck.

Why would an update be necessary?
Serious question

I don't know, maybe to share how I felt feeling "free"?

For a weekend?
It's not like it's a 'choice' and you are suddenly less co-dependant. You've already said you'll be angry all weekend, won't be able to study or sleep.
You are not in a healthy relationship but you are 19 and are not going to be told so 🤷‍♀️
Honestly, no need for a multi thread saga. Spend the time doing normal 19 year old things. Find a psychologist that IS helpful and talk to them about your dependency and inability to be anything other than one of two. If the first one didn't help, find someone you DO connect with.

@nialetahc
I don’t think I’ve ever messsged my husband whilst I was shopping for myself to ask his opinion.
It sounds like just another way of being attached and depending on each other.
You sound like you’ve completely lost yourself in this relationship. I hope you manage to find your way back.

This is way too complicated a way to be living when you're 19. You also don't sound at all compatible

Yes, you’re deforming one another.

OP this is Mumsnet, not a teen magazine’s problem page. Most people responding are more likely to have teenage children than to be teenagers like you and your boyfriend.

I would think most parents of teenagers immediately see the red flags in the dynamics of your relationship. It isn’t healthy, and it’s too much, too young.

I would think most older teenagers would also think your relationship has an unhealthy dynamic and would advise you to build some distance and independence from your boyfriend. I doubt there is a teenager who envies your relationship, however much fun it is (at first) to live together like a proper grown-up couple.

It isn’t good for you. It isn’t good for him.

Run. Fast. You’re 19 and you’ve been tied down since you were a child. Your brain hasn’t even fully stopped developing yet!

Look, if you were meant to be together forever then there wouldn’t be issues like this, not yet anyway. I realise you’ve been together 4 years but for 3 of those, you were children. In real terms, as adults you’ve been together a year and if it was meant to be, you’d certainly not be having such major issues as these, not a year in. In fact, even if you were in your late 30s and had been together 4 years, I’d personally be saying that it’s signalling compatibility issues.

Sometimes in life we meet people who we love & adore; But then, eventually, realise that we love them as a brother or sister. As a best friend perhaps. But not as a lover or a spouse. I’m sure you know this already but loving someone is very different to being in love with them.

Blimey, co-dependent or what?! How very immature of you.

Very wise advice.

You're at uni - which will have student counselling services and separate support for students with longer term mental health problems. Unless you're a medical student or in some other subject area with high contact hours you've probably got more control over your schedule than you will in your early years of full time work. This means now is a good time to find a counsellor/psychologist etc who you can work with. Your uni's offer is likely to be for more short term therapy but they should be able to point you in the direction of longer term support. They may well also offer group therapy with other students which may be a better option for you than individual therapy.

Assuming you're going to seminars / classes / maybe lectures, you are leaving your home several days a week. If you're scared of leaving your home that's a separate issue, but if you're happily introverted there's no need to force yourself to socialise more than suits you. It's ok to spend evenings at home. It's also ok to try things once and decide you didn't enjoy them and try other things. It's ok to socialise in smaller groups rather than bigger ones and to join uni societies about things you're interested in.

It isn't up to you or your partner to police each others social lives. You can each make your own decisions about which places are safe enough to be at which times of day.

Yes, @minipie 's advice at 13.26 is spot on.

Also, I don’t help because when he leaves me alone at home to go out, I freak out because I feel like it’s unfair.

^ This is seriously worrying. You need to tackle this, whether you guys split up or stay together. You are invited, but choose not to go, but then you also try to manipulate him into not going too. He should run for the hills.

You are still teenagers - going out with someone should be fun. Being at University should be fun. Traveling should be fun. Going on holiday should be fun. All this pressure and angst suggests you are not compatible.

We’ve been together since we were 15, so almost 4 years now. When we first started dating, we both prioritized each other over friends.

This is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read!

You’ve both missed out/are missing out on your youth by being joined at the hip.
It’s not healthy.

You guys should not be spending more than 50% of your free time together.

You should both be seeing friends and family SEPARATELY and experiencing things as individuals.

He needs to go on the skiing trip without you.