I want my BF to skip friend group ski trip

[nialetahc]

Hey everyone! I’m 19 (female) and my boyfriend A is also 19 (male). We’ve been together since we were 15, so almost 4 years now. When we first started dating, we both prioritized each other over friends. He didn’t like my friends (mostly guys) because they were rebellious, so I ended up distancing myself from them and spending time with A and his friends, who are now mine too, but if we ever break up, they’ll stick with him, so I still consider them his friends.
The issue now is that after almost 4 years of spending all my time with A (we moved in together) and his friends, we’ve found trouble with our personalities being very different. I’m introverted and antisocial, while he’s extroverted and sociable. To work on my social skills, I make myself go out with my friends from uni once a week (which he loves, because they are absolutely awesome), and on weekends, I either see my family (rarely, maybe once every 4 months) or his family and friends. He always comes with me because he’s also friends with my uni friends, and he loves it; he even asks me to come when I find another way to get there.
On the other hand, A goes out a lot more. He does all I do (as seen above), but he also goes out nearly every day, from Tuesday to Sunday, for about 1.5 to 3 hours each time. He says we need to go out more because of my antisocial habits, and that it'll do me a favour. I’ve asked him multiple times not to include me when he goes out because I don’t enjoy it, but he insists he doesn’t want to go without me. So I either go and ruin the evening by complaining, or refuse, and then he makes himself stay home because he doesn't want to go without me. Also, I don’t help because when he leaves me alone at home to go out, I freak out because I feel like it’s unfair. I try my best to always go out with him, but I don’t feel like he does anything to stay in.
Now, his friends are planning a ski trip, and they asked me to join. I said no because of exams (I really need to study) and I get car sick (it’s an 8-hour ride). My reasons for him not to go are that two people have never skied before, and A doesn’t enjoy skiing. Plus, it’s going to cost around 300€ for a weekend, which seems too much when A won’t even be skiing properly and instead will be watching his friends try to learn. Meanwhile, A and I were planning a holiday for July or August, somewhere like Greece or Bali, and it would cost about the same, but he thinks it’s too expensive. However, if we multiply the cost of the ski trip (150€ per day) by 7 days, it’s nearly the same.
I know this sounds complicated, but it’s all connected. I really want A to skip the ski trip and spend that time with me instead. I’ve made a lot of effort to go out for him, so I’d like him to do the same in return. But he’s likely going, and I’m frustrated because it feels unfair. I’ll be angry all weekend, I won’t be able to study properly, and I’ll be stressed because I have trouble sleeping when he’s not around.
So, I’m asking: Am I being unreasonable? Or am I overreacting? Or is he being unfair?

From your updates it sounds like you both seem to a huge say in what the other do. A healthy relationship is based on trust and respect. There are a lot of red flags here and I would be worry if I was a parent of either of you. I think at your ages its hard to recognise what a healthy relationship is.

My DP wouldn't ever tell me what I can or can't do and he would only accompany me of I asked him too or was very worried about my safety ( e.g walking around a very dodgy area alone at night - although tbf I'd just het a taxi).

Do you have trust issues with each other?

You're not compatible and I wouldn't be with someone who sulks about going out and also about staying at home alone. He really needs to find someone who's not such hard work.
He's also weird about insisting on going out with you all the time to protect (or check up on) you.

You both need to learn to be apart sometimes.

He thinks you'll get attacked going out with friends?

This isn't normal, you shouldn't need a constant chaperone.

He's destroying your confidence, not building it, by insisting he is always there and then trying to force you to go out.

Pp saying op is controlling, but he is as well.

You are two separate people, being joined at the hip isn't a positive!

Let him go and when you’re not studying for your exams please spend some time studying healthy relationships and codependency.

He's 19 and needs to be able to go away with his mates for the weekend. Who cares whether he skis or not? It'll be a fun weekend with his mates. I have a 19yo son and I would be telling him to go on the trip if he was in that position.

You have said you need to study - so do that without distraction whilst he's skiing.

I have to warn you that this level of togetherness/control will suffocate him eventually. It doesn't matter if you try to be more sociable and go out with him. He needs to be a person in his own right and be free to see his mates.

I don't want to be rude to you, and this is intended to be illustrative rather than rude, but this level of control over where people go and when is appropriate for a married couple who are about 75-80 years old who are codependent due to health issues. I am sorry to write that, but that is my opinion on your situation.

You bth sound controlling. Often people who get together very young carry immature patterns into adulthood because they formed the relationship when they were children. It’s very difficult to rewrite those patterns, particularly when the unhealthy bits are so codependent.

He goes skiing. You go out with friends alone. You both work on boundaries and control. Frankly, you break up anyway because you’re growing in different directions and love isn’t enough. Your relationship is stunting your growth, both of you.

This is unhealthy in both directions.

You both need more space and more autonomy.

I can see big red flags on both sides.

This sounds like a wind up to be honest but if not my view is that you’ve both got a lot of growing up to do.sounds all very juvenile. You need to have your own space as does he it’s not healthy . Why do you live together at 19? Is it uni accommodation?

You do not stop him going on holiday, hie does not stop to going out with friends. You are 19. It's vvvv healthy to have separate time from parents and husband and wives. It's too intense to do everything together. At 19 you very young. You both sound very different in personality which may or may not work long term. Just be 19 and enjoy life without this drama

Love is Not Enough.

Respect, Trust, room to grow and evolve. You need all these things too

You are suffocating each other, late teens / early twenties years should be fun and spontaneous, packing in as much life as you can. Plenty of years ahead with responsibilities and bills to pay, do each other a favour and break up now.
if it’s really meant to be you might reconnect in a few years time, when you have both matured a bit.

Too much, too young, too intense. At 19, even if you have been together for 4 years, you should be enjoying yourselves separately as well as together, having different interests and friends. Distancing yourself from your friends and focusing on one person, is always a huge mistake. I would suggest that you put the breaks on, and even backpedal a bit. I wouldn't be living together, reconnect with your friends, rediscover your own interests - 19 is too young to have completely lost yourself and your identity - this goes for both of you.

Why would you get attacked? I'm a bit baffled by your OP. You're both very young, of course he should go on a weekend away without you if he wants to.

Is he at uni too? Did you both move away to the same place to live together, or have you stayed in your home town to be with him?

What do your parents think of this arrangement?

My daughter will be going to university this year and I am so pleased she isn't planning to go to the same one as her boyfriend. You need to free both of you from this suffocating relationship so you can grow as individuals. You should be living a great life, in student accommodation with others, having the time of your life. Him too.

This is so,so unhealthy, and isn't about a skiing trip. I really hope you think hard about the helpful replies you are getting.

Your relationship sounds very unhealthy, for both of you but particularly you. You sound far too dependent on each other, these are the years during which you grow and change the most and the likelihood of your still being together in 10 years time is quite slim (obviously not impossible but unlikely).

I would advise that you try to forge some independence within your relationship, see friends on your own, for example, and certainly don’t object to your boyfriend going away without you.

Attachment and codependent behavior isn’t love. You’re introverted not anti social - it’s like asking him as an extrovert to stay in all the time.. you’re different and need to appreciate that you are two different people with your own personalities and preferences. You want inn to stop him going away with his mates and him not liking you being out by yourself is codependent behaviour not a relationship. I’d encourage some independent time for both of you

Ive added this after seeing so many comments about how controlling we are towards each other.

Please don’t forget that this is written while being angry, which makes us sound like monsters, which we are not. Also, this isn’t the whole facade of our relationship, we also have other qualities and others imperfections.
I massively agree, we need to work on being alone more often, it’ll be hard but we both want our relationship to work so it should be doable.
We live together because we lived to far from school, over 1h on my behalf, and around 30 to 45 minutes and his; instead of now 10 minutes. My mum had an apartment so she is lending it to us.
I come from a very scary, controlling, monstrosity of a father (so beyond scary that he even lost his parental right), so we both know where I come from, and know that I have a short temper but that I am working on it. Ive seen a psychologist but she hasn’t been a great deal of help, so I am now trying to work things out differently.

He is in a different school, so we only see each other in the evening. We sometimes have lunch together.

You are allowed to not go on the trip, but you're not allowed to tell him he can't go.

It all sounds a bit dramatic. You’re both 19. I say this as someone who was similarly OTT at your age - let him go on the trip and have fun, split up, have some time being single and work on your own self confidence and being by yourself a bit.

He's 19 and wants to do what 19 year olds do. You are being unreasonable, he doesn't have to do everything with you. You need to find your own life and interests and not rely on him so much.

I think he sounds controlling. And suffocating

The two of you aren't compatible at all and you're both trying to control the other to where this is getting toxic. Time to split up.

Lol at "somewhere like Greece or Bali" (like the two are even remotely comparable) costing "about 300€". Sorry, I know that's not the point, but I can't help smiling at the naivety wishful thinking.

You both sound like you still have lots of growing up to do, which is entirely normal and to be expected as you're very young. The dynamic you have right now is unhealthy and not conducive to said growing up. Time to move on independently.

Oh dear, you are both so young. You both have a whole future in front of you and it's probably not with each other.