I want my BF to skip friend group ski trip

[nialetahc]

Hey everyone! I’m 19 (female) and my boyfriend A is also 19 (male). We’ve been together since we were 15, so almost 4 years now. When we first started dating, we both prioritized each other over friends. He didn’t like my friends (mostly guys) because they were rebellious, so I ended up distancing myself from them and spending time with A and his friends, who are now mine too, but if we ever break up, they’ll stick with him, so I still consider them his friends.
The issue now is that after almost 4 years of spending all my time with A (we moved in together) and his friends, we’ve found trouble with our personalities being very different. I’m introverted and antisocial, while he’s extroverted and sociable. To work on my social skills, I make myself go out with my friends from uni once a week (which he loves, because they are absolutely awesome), and on weekends, I either see my family (rarely, maybe once every 4 months) or his family and friends. He always comes with me because he’s also friends with my uni friends, and he loves it; he even asks me to come when I find another way to get there.
On the other hand, A goes out a lot more. He does all I do (as seen above), but he also goes out nearly every day, from Tuesday to Sunday, for about 1.5 to 3 hours each time. He says we need to go out more because of my antisocial habits, and that it'll do me a favour. I’ve asked him multiple times not to include me when he goes out because I don’t enjoy it, but he insists he doesn’t want to go without me. So I either go and ruin the evening by complaining, or refuse, and then he makes himself stay home because he doesn't want to go without me. Also, I don’t help because when he leaves me alone at home to go out, I freak out because I feel like it’s unfair. I try my best to always go out with him, but I don’t feel like he does anything to stay in.
Now, his friends are planning a ski trip, and they asked me to join. I said no because of exams (I really need to study) and I get car sick (it’s an 8-hour ride). My reasons for him not to go are that two people have never skied before, and A doesn’t enjoy skiing. Plus, it’s going to cost around 300€ for a weekend, which seems too much when A won’t even be skiing properly and instead will be watching his friends try to learn. Meanwhile, A and I were planning a holiday for July or August, somewhere like Greece or Bali, and it would cost about the same, but he thinks it’s too expensive. However, if we multiply the cost of the ski trip (150€ per day) by 7 days, it’s nearly the same.
I know this sounds complicated, but it’s all connected. I really want A to skip the ski trip and spend that time with me instead. I’ve made a lot of effort to go out for him, so I’d like him to do the same in return. But he’s likely going, and I’m frustrated because it feels unfair. I’ll be angry all weekend, I won’t be able to study properly, and I’ll be stressed because I have trouble sleeping when he’s not around.
So, I’m asking: Am I being unreasonable? Or am I overreacting? Or is he being unfair?

Older people with more life experience immediately recognize that your statement above is highly doubtful.

What @ponderingwindow wrote. I am introverted and very selectively social, and my husband is the same. Forcing myself to be a social butterfly would be painful, exhausting, and not sustainable. We have extroverted friends who are the exact opposite and must socialize most days, and that sort of ‘mixed marriage’ would be absolutely miserable.

This sounds very unhealthy.

You are 19! You should be enjoying your uni life and not spend every minute together. It’s fine for him to go on a trip with his friends without you and it’s fine for you to not socialize if you don’t feel like it.

It sounds too complicated for a couple of 19 year olds.

I've done it several times. The key is adult-only budget hotels.

Thank you so beyond much. This is so helpful, not just dragging him or me down. Thank you.

I am pretty old.... so excuse me if I sound like your grandmother. The first thing I want to say is that the only person you should want to change for is yourself, never for another person and definitely never to keep a boyfriend or girlfriend. The second thing is that "we aren't compatible but we love each other" is never going to be a goer. oh and the third thing is that a friend group who are your only friends are girls who get drunk a lot and put themselves into difficult positions is not a great idea either. oh and fourth thing...CONTRACEPTION.

Yes, would you consider shopping alone time ? even if I send a picture to ask for his opinion ?

I don’t think it’s a problem that you’re an introvert and he’s an extrovert. I have this in my relationship. I think the problem is neither of you seems to accept that the other is different and both of you have the weird idea that you should spend all your time together. You’re two individuals coming together as a couple. There is and should be no merging. Do things separately. Stop expecting the other to accompany you everywhere.

ummm nope!
OP read and take @MzHz 's advice, they totally nailed it

I'm not sure where you'd go skiing at the this time of year either.

Don't worry, I took the pill for 3 years, and I've recently changed for a DUI. I thought it was going to help me be less angry! #not

Your childhood patterns and controlling father have given you an insecure pattern of attachment op. You are trying to recreate the pattern you are used to.

Don't feel ashamed its normal. But get some serious therapy so you don't spend the rest of your life trying to sustain control.both you over him and him over you

Let him live his life and develop the independence and courage to live yours

Either get some of your own friends or stop giving him grief when he goes out.

Your relationship sounds very unhealthy and you sound controlling and stifling. 15 is so young to get with someone and still be with them. It sounds like you ‘gave up’ up your friends so you could spend all your time with him. Thats really unhealthy. Could that be why you feel you don’t want to/ can’t socialise?

if you want to stay at home and isolate yourself from other people and experiences then that’s your prerogative but you don’t get to stifle other peoples experiences.

Another old lady here echoing what the others have said. My addition is that you are only 19 - it's easy for those of us older as we have genuinely been there, done that but you've never been older so can't see what we oldies know is going to happen!! You may not realise it but you both will have changed a lot since you first got together and you will both change an awful lot more over the coming months and years. I think it is true that females mature more quickly than males - I always found men the same age as me terribly immature until I got to about 30! If you were my daughter I would be very concerned about his not wanting you to go out without him - even the most perfect relationship needs time apart to breathe.

The relationship sounds very claustrophobic and he is controlling. At 19 you should be having fun and you don’t sound very compatible. Please find your own circle of friends and reconsider if he really is the future you would choose. You don’t need to be committed at such a young age, let alone living together.

Yabu.

DH goes snowboarding with friends every year - twice this year! I’ve never gone with them as it’s not my cup of tea, though some wives do go.

Its really important that people have the freedom to try new things out and enjoy time with their friends. Don’t stifle him otherwise he’ll resent it. You don’t have to do everything together.

I’m very nervous and anti-social. My DH is very social. I’ve never asked him not to go out or away based on me not being social, that’s not okay OP. He goes and has fun, I have some alone time (well, these days it’s with DC) and he makes time for me to go and do the things I like.

Sorry OP but I don’t think you can ask him not to go just because you don’t want him to. It’s not a healthy thing to do. Why can’t he go and have fun? If it’s financial then maybe discuss, but you haven’t given a valid reason for him not going really.

You are 19.

This relationship isn't working for you. It's too full on and you aren't living.

Ditch him. Move on. You won't regret it in the long term.

Shopping is alone but why can't you/aren't you allowed to make your own decisions on what to buy?

Being honest ‘we both want our relationship to work’ is such a silly statement for a pair of teens.

It works or it doesn’t, and your relationship doesn’t, and neither of you sound happy. You don’t get to be young ever again and you both sound miserably middle aged about life.

I thought it was going to help me be less angry!

Have you considered that maybe you’re angry so often because you’re in a bad relationship? He doesn’t like you going out with friends alone (regardless of whether they get drunk) that is a huge red flag. You distanced yourself from your original friends and now only have his friends as friends, another massive red flag. You recognise you have a controlling father and now most likely have ended up with a controlling boyfriend. Even saying that you ‘both’ recognise where you came from and how you need to see a psychologist, there’s no recognition that he’s stopped you having friends outside of him. Maybe you’re angry because you need space to be yourself. I was in a relationship from 15-20 and it was only once I made friends away from our friendship group that I realised how controlling he was over who I was friends with.

Let him go on the trip, alone, and take some space whilst he’s away to see your friends without him. I bet they find it utterly bizarre that he doesn’t let you go out alone and bloody annoying that there’s always a boyfriend tagging alone. You need to find space from him, you’re far too young to be in a relationship this stifling.

I fully appreciate that no one can fully understand someone else's relationship just from one thread. There are two fully formed and complex humans behind the few words that make it into a post. But nothing you describe sounds healthy (no matter what age you are). It's far too intense and controlling on both sides. It's a cliché but you will only be this young and responsibility-free once, so go out there and do what you need to do without such an inter-dependent relationship holding you down.

I'm not sure either of you can develop into the adults you're meant to be without having a significant break from each other. I believe that a person should always know who they are by themselves first, and be ok with being by themselves, before they can truly be happy with someone else. I know some very unhappy 40+ year olds who never learned how to thrive because of similar interdependency.

Hah, i spotted that too - Maybe you could do Greece at a stretch but even a flight to Bali is going to cost at least 2 and a half times that, and that's just to get there!

I know you mean IUD but DUI is also a good way of getting rid of a baby too - FML 😂