I want my BF to skip friend group ski trip

[nialetahc]

Hey everyone! I’m 19 (female) and my boyfriend A is also 19 (male). We’ve been together since we were 15, so almost 4 years now. When we first started dating, we both prioritized each other over friends. He didn’t like my friends (mostly guys) because they were rebellious, so I ended up distancing myself from them and spending time with A and his friends, who are now mine too, but if we ever break up, they’ll stick with him, so I still consider them his friends.
The issue now is that after almost 4 years of spending all my time with A (we moved in together) and his friends, we’ve found trouble with our personalities being very different. I’m introverted and antisocial, while he’s extroverted and sociable. To work on my social skills, I make myself go out with my friends from uni once a week (which he loves, because they are absolutely awesome), and on weekends, I either see my family (rarely, maybe once every 4 months) or his family and friends. He always comes with me because he’s also friends with my uni friends, and he loves it; he even asks me to come when I find another way to get there.
On the other hand, A goes out a lot more. He does all I do (as seen above), but he also goes out nearly every day, from Tuesday to Sunday, for about 1.5 to 3 hours each time. He says we need to go out more because of my antisocial habits, and that it'll do me a favour. I’ve asked him multiple times not to include me when he goes out because I don’t enjoy it, but he insists he doesn’t want to go without me. So I either go and ruin the evening by complaining, or refuse, and then he makes himself stay home because he doesn't want to go without me. Also, I don’t help because when he leaves me alone at home to go out, I freak out because I feel like it’s unfair. I try my best to always go out with him, but I don’t feel like he does anything to stay in.
Now, his friends are planning a ski trip, and they asked me to join. I said no because of exams (I really need to study) and I get car sick (it’s an 8-hour ride). My reasons for him not to go are that two people have never skied before, and A doesn’t enjoy skiing. Plus, it’s going to cost around 300€ for a weekend, which seems too much when A won’t even be skiing properly and instead will be watching his friends try to learn. Meanwhile, A and I were planning a holiday for July or August, somewhere like Greece or Bali, and it would cost about the same, but he thinks it’s too expensive. However, if we multiply the cost of the ski trip (150€ per day) by 7 days, it’s nearly the same.
I know this sounds complicated, but it’s all connected. I really want A to skip the ski trip and spend that time with me instead. I’ve made a lot of effort to go out for him, so I’d like him to do the same in return. But he’s likely going, and I’m frustrated because it feels unfair. I’ll be angry all weekend, I won’t be able to study properly, and I’ll be stressed because I have trouble sleeping when he’s not around.
So, I’m asking: Am I being unreasonable? Or am I overreacting? Or is he being unfair?

This smacks of co-dependency. Your differences don't mean that you can't work it out, but this is not a healthy way for either of you to carry on in the long-run. Try and introduce some separate time, it'll give you more to talk about whilst learning more about yourselves and each other.

My DH is wonderfully extrovert - life and soul of the party - and I’m a dedicated introvert. In our early relationship days, it took us a lot of time and effort to understand that we needed different things to both be our best. You can’t keep an extroverted person away from groups, and you can’t make an introverted person socialise on demand too often, IME.

Now my DH goes out 2/3 times a month more than I do, so I can get the alone time I crave. We’re both happy as we both understand we have different needs to be in good form. It used to cause little rows until we decided to just accept our differences. Staying in with you for a truly extroverted person is not a strategy, they need to replenish their energy source from other people, not just from you.

Sorry, but there are WAY more red flags coming from her. He sounds like a typical young lad enjoying his life, with a ton of friends and hobbies. She is stifling him by moaning about not going out, moaning if she does go out, and “freaking out” if he goes out without her.

@nialetahc Love, you are 19 and immature whether you think so or not, either chill the hell out or let him free.

Just because you've been together for four years, that doesn't mean you have to live your lives like an old married couple. You've been together four years but for most of that time you were both literally children.

He is 19 years old. It is normal for a 19-year-old to be going out with his mates a lot and going on lads' holidays. He's not a middle-aged dad of four. I can see no reason why he should be prevented from going skiing with his friends just because he happens to have a girlfriend.

He should not be preventing you from doing things without him. You should not be preventing him from doing things without you. It's absolutely fine that you don't like going out much, but you can't expect him not to go out either.

You freak out when he goes out without you. You complain when you go out with him and don't enjoy it. You claim you can't sleep when he's not around. None of this is normal or healthy behaviour. Your anxieties and clinginess shouldn't control his life.

He thinks you'll 'get attacked' if you go out with friends without him being there? That is also not normal or healthy behaviour. His anxieties shouldn't be controlling your life any more than yours should be controlling his.

Honestly, neither of you sound anywhere near mature enough for the kind of relationship you seem to want.

You’d “let him” it’d be controlling to stop him

On the other hand she goes crazy if he goes out without her, take your pick from the wide array of red flags on both sides.

It's actually isn't. You're fundamentally different. Imagine having these discussions every couple of weeks for years and years? Not good for any of you.

You're 19. You'll love other people. If you move on from each other, you will have a chance to find people you're each much better suited to.

So does she, telling him when he can and can't go on trips, getting upset if he goes out without her etc.

You're 19 not 79, Christ! You're acting old before your time. I remember being with my ex boyfriend at 19 and he was the one person I wanted to spend time with, why would I want to go out with friends when I could be with him?

So talking from personal experiences, it is so so important to be independent and have your own lives and friends and interests. It's great that you get on with his friends and vice versa but he should absolutely be able to go on this ski trip just like he shouldn't resent you for doing anything you'd like to do.

You mention not liking going out. And that's fine. Give it a few years and people will be fed up of that anyway. But maybe you should prioritise making different friends with similar interests to you?

If you do break up you may regret not investing in yourself and your other friendships? You don't mention family either, do they have a view on your relationship or how you spend your time?

Sounds like he doesn't want you around other guys, rather than that your previous guy friends weren't a good influence and now he's afraid you'll be attacked when you go out with your girlfriends.

Also, this thread made me a bit sad. College is a time to experiment with new things, try different roles, meet new people. I think your problems are that that's the stage of life you and everyone around you are actually in, yet you two are trying to act like an old married couple in the midst of it.

Instead of continuing to try to manage all this stuff about who can or can't go where with who and so on, I'd consider a trial separation. What I'm reading is that part of both of you wants to break out of this stultifying relationship and get to try being free individuals, before coupling up for life so early on.

How do you feel about the idea of six months free of any contact with each other, and free to stay home or go out or do anything else you decide to do as in independent individual? Your feelings about that question might help determine your next step. Good luck.

why would you be attacked without him? you need to be doing things separately.

he should be seeing his friend without you and you should be seeing yours without him.

Wow where can you get a ski weekend for 300 euros? <misses point>

First, he gets to go on a ski trip if he wants. He is a 19yo with few commitments in life. If he has the money, he can travel where he wants.

second, as an introvert who got caught up with a life of the party adventurer at the same age, please rethink this relationship. I thought it was good for me. I thought it pushed me out of my shell.

You know what is good for you? finding someone who accepts you exactly the way you are.

you are angry because he wants to go out. He is angry because you want to stay in. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of problems. Save yourself an expensive divorce or even worse having to co-parent with him if you split after children.

compromise in a relationship is what time you wash the dishes or choosing a paint color, not changing your personality.

He sounds like the controlling one to me. He calls all the shots and you put yourself in uncomfortable situations all the time to please him. He doesn't like your friends so you ditch them. He wants you to socialise more so you go out every single weekend. He doesn't want you to be alone so you're never alone.

Relationships shouldn't be like this.

Meanwhile, A and I were planning a holiday for July or August, somewhere like Greece or Bali, and it would cost about the same, but he thinks it’s too expensive. However, if we multiply the cost of the ski trip (150€ per day) by 7 days, it’s nearly the same.

Sorry but I couldn't get past this. You absolutely will not be going to Bali or Greece in July or August for 1,000 Euros!!!

This.
There seems to be a whole lot of codependency, catastrophising and controlling behavior on both sides.

The above from the boyfriend is a major red flag but so is freaking out when being left home alone or making the boyfriend responsible for the OP being angry and thus not being able to study if he goes away, that's a fuck load of blame and emotional guilt to place on another person to make them do what you want.

Sounds like a relationship that was too intense too young, now you're growing apart or trying to define what this period of your life should look like and are both over reacting to avoid the reality of a relationship that might no longer work for either of you.

I wondered the same and just commented on going to Bali or Greece for a week in August for 1,000 Euros!!!

@WestwardHo1 , you missed the 7 day holiday to Bali for £878.
At least 32 hours would be spent flying mind.

Quite possible for Greece if you're prepared to stay in a very basic 2* hotel. Not so much Bali.

Well of course you trust each other - you're never apart!!! Which, let's face it, is why you don't want him to go skiing....

You’re both 19. The two of you really shouldn’t be so co-dependent. This is the age to do exactly what you want- no responsibility and no ties.
It all sounds very intense and unhealthy.

You’re both only 19, too young for such a committed relationship where you’d be telling one another where they can/cannot go or do.

You sound like different people and personalities. I think you should split and be 19 year olds, living life how you each want to.

Just because you chose to sacrifice all "your" friends that's on you.
Also get a grip, you're 19 not married with kids, enjoy your lives together.

In July / August??? Not a chance! We are going to Crete in September and the cheapest (direct) flights we could get were £300 each.

Bali..

Right