Just want bio mum to step up

[mumsthewordi]

Long story short, SS decided he wanted to live with dad and me when he was 9,l and he is 13 now, it was meant to be temporary - but he’s never been encouraged to go home and BM hasn’t ever asked him! I was high risk pregnancy and focused on DD and they have a lovely relationship, but I’ve never got use to being a SM too, I feel quite blindsided too as the grandparents and OH just constantly tell me why he should be with us , and yes he’s happy but my feeling is no one’s ever encouraged a positive reconciliation- they say well “she doesn’t want him.” However, I don’t think it’s that simple and she also went through a lot during Covid when he made this decision. I have made sure they have contact but it’s not regular.

its hard but perhaps I feel this way as I don’t have a strong maternal bond towards him and for that I feel guilty because he has a mother.

they don't look after him much, i do.

Then you should direct your anger and frustration at your DP for not stepping up and leaving everything to you.

You haven't read any posts before this comment, if you had you would know SS is very happy.

i had no idea how he was treated by his mother - i don't have much to go on, but i know what i provide. I can't help that, i'd never leave him out. He has nice holidays, clothes, presents - i'm dedicated to his emotional wellbeing and his academic - he is thriving :) and happy.

Also I think my step son saw for himself at 9 a quality of life his mum couldn't afford

i'm not an angry person. I have spoken to him and he has started to do more - just the job doesn't allow much time

Sadly, no one can force a parent to step up and actually parent. Your BF is a single parent with full custody of his DS. That wasn't the case when you got together and subsequently had DD.

Marriage would offer you very little protection especially as you own your home. Ultimately you may have to decide if providing a home and all that goes with that for your BF and his DS is what you want. You are in a very difficult position, I don't envy you.

Have you thought of having counselling for yourself? To work through the feelings?

Whilst getting your partner to pull his finger out and contribute to the running of the home?

OP, why not post on the step-parents board rather than AIBU? You’ll get a more supportive response there, I think. You can ask MN to move the thread.

Yes, she works and is a high earner. Facts you would know had you, at least, read all her posts.

I’ve had a fair few responses of “if it were a man” or “when is a man told” but let me just say. If a man came on here and made a post saying he got together with a mother, moved her in, got her pregnant, was fine with being a step dad until now. When his DSD has chosen off her own back to live with her mother full time, and doesn’t want to stay at her dad’s. He wasn’t 100% in, was only okay being a 50% step dad. We’d all give him absolute hell. Rightly so.

Everyone would say the same as I’ve been saying here. You signed up to be a step parent. A child of 9 is old enough to decide which parent they live with. If you’re upset at your partner for allowing this perfectly reasonable adjustment then you should never have dated someone who already had children.

i work but not as long hours and mostly from home, the insurance thing is wild! i wish!

You won’t. Because unfortunately the step mum haters like to bring their views there too. No where here is safe for step parents.

Your DD and his DS are siblings but you are happy for them to be apart if he goes back to his mum?

without giving my name, location i have been as detailed as possible whilst protecting my family - what on earth do you mean!?

no i wouldn't be - i just would maintain contact as i know his dad would, she doesn't allow this in the same way so it isn't fair

I do understand now that MN is not a place for sympathy for step mums, thank you for the step mums who have reached out, i can also see some posters have spent a great deal of time and effort looking over past threads to try and discredit my posts - they are all honest.

I think the problem is having an unconventional setup (blended family etc) after tragedy and not being as maternal as some would expect on here

i have asked for the thread to be deleted as some posters questioning my integrity is quite difficult to read.

Last post, so thanks for those advising constructively and with a kind heart.

That was an entirely different post! about school fees - what are you on about!?!? why would i need to share on that post i am a step mum too..?

why are you so triggered? my daughter being privately educated (well no longer is now), has nothing to do with my feelings towards my SS - he is provided for very well but i still need more support from OH and i still want his mum in his life more.

Get an actual grip mate.

He goes to the school he wanted to - his local state grammar after passing his 11+, she will too hopefully

You just kept repeating the same thing again and again, despite seeing the other threads about step fathers, where posters say the step-dad should not be expected to have parental duties.

rage baiter and troll.

Why should she leave when she’s being attacked? Why can’t she defend herself?