Just want bio mum to step up

[mumsthewordi]

Long story short, SS decided he wanted to live with dad and me when he was 9,l and he is 13 now, it was meant to be temporary - but he’s never been encouraged to go home and BM hasn’t ever asked him! I was high risk pregnancy and focused on DD and they have a lovely relationship, but I’ve never got use to being a SM too, I feel quite blindsided too as the grandparents and OH just constantly tell me why he should be with us , and yes he’s happy but my feeling is no one’s ever encouraged a positive reconciliation- they say well “she doesn’t want him.” However, I don’t think it’s that simple and she also went through a lot during Covid when he made this decision. I have made sure they have contact but it’s not regular.

its hard but perhaps I feel this way as I don’t have a strong maternal bond towards him and for that I feel guilty because he has a mother.

ah thins is complicated OP. and imagine your Dp is hold tight to SS because he isn't able to see his other child and doesn't want to end up in situation where he sees none.

I can understand why neither is facilitating contact and this is something best sorted out via mediator or the courts.

because i had all that already :) so his kindness and values, which i know is why his DS is living with us and it says a lot about me too.

Do one.

You are just nosey and making ill informed judgy assumptions based on my comments about paying for my daughters private education in the past.

WHAT an assumption to use here. again do one.

@Beetstew is a piece of nasty work, if anyone is sympathetic to my posts at all, I kindly ask you report her or him. Who knows these days.

yes and?

What's your point though? If the OP is still paying all or most of the bills in spite of working PT compared to a FT teacher's salary then she has a great job. What of it?

What’s this got to do with anything?

Why so cryptic? Just say it.

no i will

she thinks i am loaded, so i shouldn't complain.

I have. I don't get what you are driving at. You are going to have to spell it out I'm afraid.

I have to say, out of all the posts on this thread, yours are coming across as the nastiest.

why?

For defending herself against trolling?

So we have two parents, a mother and a father, who created two children.

this has developed in to the mother looking after one child and the father looking after the other.

could anyone please enlighten me why this means the mother ‘should step up’ ‘should do more’ ‘is a useless parent’ ‘has abandoned her son’ ‘a shitty mother’ when none of these terms are applied to the father for not looking after his other son.

he had the time when his children were very small, to go on to develop a new relationship to new family level - didn’t he also therefore ‘abandon’ his children?

None of your very clear resentment op should be directed at your dss. your dp was never in a position, financially or time wise, to have 3 children.

That. And when the step parent takes on the 100% (going to parents evenings, telling people they love step child just as much as their own, getting a mother's day card from the kid and basically mothering) the actual mother becomes furious that step mum has over-stepped into her territory.

Oh, and then having given 100% and grown to love the bones of the step kid, the relationship breaks up and she never sees the kid again.

Step mothers can't do right for doing wrong, and are extremely vulnerable. I thank my lucky stars that I've never been one.

I think OP has been remarkably measured up to now. But given the sheer spite in so many posts, I think she can be forgiven for starting to fight back

I think you are rather nasty too. Poor boy !

My understanding is that you are not ready to be married to your partner, and still view your home as "yours" rather than a shared property, and you allowed him to move in with you at a point when he was not the resident parent of his son. You agreed (4 years ago) to have your stepson stay with you full-time as a temporary measure, but your partner and his family have since encouraged him to consider it a permanent arrangement, but haven't actually talked to you properly about whether you're ok with that?
I think those feelings of reservation are natural, and I wouldn't judge anyone from holding back, but if you were not ready to go all-in with your partner, as a family unit, you probably shouldn't have had a child with him.
You can't expect him to encourage his first child to stay with a woman who evidently cannot cope, while caring for his second child full time within the kind of stable caring home environment that every child deserves, the disparity is heartbreaking.

I won’t bite
use to this as a step mum, being held to a higher standard than his own parents are :)
he’s a lovely boy and not poorly treated at all

I don’t think there really was a disparity
they bad mouthed her to him

Hardly. All the posts from @Beetstew have been deleted for breaking Mumsnet Talk guidelines so they can hardly have been all sweetness and light. OP has been pretty polite and measured throughout this thread.