Just want bio mum to step up

[mumsthewordi]

Long story short, SS decided he wanted to live with dad and me when he was 9,l and he is 13 now, it was meant to be temporary - but he’s never been encouraged to go home and BM hasn’t ever asked him! I was high risk pregnancy and focused on DD and they have a lovely relationship, but I’ve never got use to being a SM too, I feel quite blindsided too as the grandparents and OH just constantly tell me why he should be with us , and yes he’s happy but my feeling is no one’s ever encouraged a positive reconciliation- they say well “she doesn’t want him.” However, I don’t think it’s that simple and she also went through a lot during Covid when he made this decision. I have made sure they have contact but it’s not regular.

its hard but perhaps I feel this way as I don’t have a strong maternal bond towards him and for that I feel guilty because he has a mother.

Poor child. You should not have married someone who already had a child if you did not want to be a stepmother

And don't call her bio mum. Mum will do nicely.

If he has a shitty mother, it's healthier for him not to have to experience his shitty mother. You can't force a bond between them, and if it's healthier for him to be away from her, you trying to force it is cruel.

This isn't about your feelings. Its more important the kid has a healthy as possible childhood, even if that's without a mother.

He is living with his other parent. I don’t see the problem? You don’t need to have maternal feelings towards him. Just be nice to him.

Sorry but I think you need to step up and help support your husband and his child. His BM is useless so his dad is his only hope of not getting scarred as a child, so you should be supporting your DH with this

I’m not a step mum but I’m with you tbh. I’m divorced and my ex and I do 50/50. It’s not regimented very child led dc are 10-14. I think both parents of children should be doing their fare share. I think it’s appalling that parents of either sex can just essentially not bother anymore and everyone else has to just get on with it.

we aren’t married

I do everything - cook, clean - pay the bills and own the house they both live in.

He lives with us full time

but all she is is a biological mum …I could call her worse things to be fair.

🙄

The fact that that's the only response you have speaks volumes. Ok so you aren't his stepmother, but you are his caregiver and mother to his sibling.

I should add that I think it’s one of those situations that may have been a little bad but oh and his parents made worse, a lot of negative talk and brainwashing - she is a poor mum yes, but I do think as a single mum she should have been given more support. They were divorced 5 years before I met him.

And you want the boy"s mum to step up?
Maybe start with his dad...

Well to coin a classic mumsnet phrase it sounds like you have a partner problem, not a mum problem. Get him to help with the chores and to pay half the bills and then perhaps you will feel less resentful. Is there a chance you are directing your dissatisfaction the wrong way?

How does it speak volumes ? I’m a widow and not ready to marry him.

Why is his mum’s house ‘home’ that he has to go back to? Isn’t his dad’s house home too?

He works pretty hard too and can’t contribute more, our are costs are just greater now. Oh for sure the resentment is there ! Trying to keep it in check be the responsible adult and be a good guardian

He didn’t have a house before he met me

Sometimes, dad's are the best parent of the two. Why do you want him to have the worse option, just because it's his mum? If living with her makes him unhappy or isn't right, then dad's home is the best place for him to be. You knew he had a son when you started the relationship. Whether you "got used to" that fact or not, it just is. And the fact that your OH is stepping up and doing right by his child is the bare minimum a parent should do, but will be applauded by everyone because he's the dad.

Either get used to the fact you have a step son living in your home, or leave them to it.

Then don't marry him unless you are willing to accept your dss will live with you for at least the next decade.

He is happy and settled, with his dad and his sister, entering his exam years. He needs stability, love and affection.

I think you are right to encourage contact with his mum, he should know both parents, but if she doesn't want him then he must live with his dad. And any decent dad will put his child first, before his girlfriend.

Your partner is the child’s parent, his other parent is not on the scene. If you don’t want them to live with you you can remove them from your home but you can’t bin the child and keep his parent surely?

But it's his dad's home so it's his home. End of.

It feels like there are things that you are resentful about but are not addressing and so your focus has come to rest on the step son. What is your relationship with your partner like- it feels like he isn’t pulling his weight in lots of ways. Perhaps you could start there.

This.

Why on earth did you begin a relationship with a person who had a child? You've had this poor lad, essentially binned by his mother, for 5 years and haven't 'bonded' with him?

Poor little sod.

Where did your partner live before he met you? Renting? With his parents?