Just want bio mum to step up

[mumsthewordi]

Long story short, SS decided he wanted to live with dad and me when he was 9,l and he is 13 now, it was meant to be temporary - but he’s never been encouraged to go home and BM hasn’t ever asked him! I was high risk pregnancy and focused on DD and they have a lovely relationship, but I’ve never got use to being a SM too, I feel quite blindsided too as the grandparents and OH just constantly tell me why he should be with us , and yes he’s happy but my feeling is no one’s ever encouraged a positive reconciliation- they say well “she doesn’t want him.” However, I don’t think it’s that simple and she also went through a lot during Covid when he made this decision. I have made sure they have contact but it’s not regular.

its hard but perhaps I feel this way as I don’t have a strong maternal bond towards him and for that I feel guilty because he has a mother.

Thankfully she owns the house so she has options, including deciding it’s not their home anymore.

She also says no one has encouraged him to "go home" which suggests she doesn't view his home as with his father, only his mother. He lives with his father, he is "home".

It may not have been the circumstances she chose when she decided to live with and have a baby with a man who was already a father, but there is always a possibility that a child will need to live with one parent over the other, regardless of how it was when she met him. She says she didn't think he would live with them. Even though she knows from her own experience that anything can happen to anyone at any age. She still chose a man with a child and is now resentful that the child now lives with him.

Well said, OP.

You have a dh problem. You only mention difficulties with the mum and aren’t being specific though. Probably need more info on that aspect tbh

Nobody is saying the OP should have to step up and be okay with it. What they are saying is that the dad should step up, this is his responsibility, this is his child.

Of course the mum should step up and be a mum and yes her behaviour is despicable, but until she sorts her shit out someone needs to parent this lad and provide for him and that should be his dad. Just the same as it is tens of thousands of single mums up and down the country.

It does sound from the outside that your DP has delegated all the care of his son to you.

You might have grown more than fond of him if it hadn’t meant taking on extra cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping & increased bills. Do you ever get to do any of the ‘fun’ side of parenting with him, or is that the part when his dad takes over?

@mumsthewordi can you explain why your partner can’t contribute towards bills? What does he do with his money? Do you get any CSM from mum?

Many stepdads end up living with their stepchildren due to useless dads.

Does the mum have medical issues either physical or mental?

The boy wants to live with his dad. By the OP’s own admission, his ‘bio mum’ is pretty useless. The poor kid at 9 years old knew this and chose to live with his dad. His choice should be respected.

The boy doesn’t deserve to be resented because his mother is useless.

Hi @mumsthewordi You sound like a really decent person who’s been through a lot. You also sound like you’re doing a lot - it’s your house, you’re working, doing a lot around the home with a young child/baby and a teenager.
I just wanted to say that a really serious conversation with your OH is needed and a real split of chores outlined with time allocated for you to have a break.
In terms of your SS and rebuilding his relationship with his mother - it’s good to encourage this from a point of caring about SS future. Good luck OP - you’re doing a great job xx

Please don’t marry him and lose the house just don’t!

but why all the cooking and cleaning etc?

and yes steps should be done to reconcile for him

My step daughter lives with us and has done full time since she was 7, she's now 16. Her mum is around but has significant struggles with her mental health so it works for us all that she lives with us.
I have never once resented my step daughter as it is not her fault. I go to parents evenings, sports days, run around to after school activities. Just as I do my other 4 children. I have never treated her any different. Why would I?

Absolutely agree. You should have said something at the time and not let a child live with you for 4 years.

I don’t think there was anything wrong with her same as there’s nothing wrong with him
humans aren’t perfect
married too young and divorced
l before I came into the picture

I think she wasn’t as close to him - maybe some post natal depression and just being too young and having resentment herself. There was no abuse.

i should add in my culture men don’t tend to leave their sons , especially first born eldest but I’ve never come across it where mum has little or no contact

I just wanted to have a woman to woman chat about it all, but oh doesn’t think I should and SS said he’d never move back now. He also has a lot of luxuries and freedoms with us - unlike at his mums

Just using the term 'bio mum' in the title will attract a pile-on but OP is right - this child was 9 years old and living with his mother, things got difficult in Covid and he moved 'temporarily' to the father, and rather than the father supporting him to have a solid relationship with his mother, he's just taken the attitude of "oh your mother's a bit rubbish, here, I got you a new one"

That lands OP with a lot of responsibility that she hadn't necessarily anticipated and means that she is caring for a teenager who COULD have a good relationship with both parents (while still living with OP) but only sees his mother even sporadically because it's OP who's made sure it happens.

Thank you
ive never had a home validate me like this

You’ve taken on an unhoused man, and as a consequence, his child from his previous relationship.

The mother appears to have removed herself from the child’s life, so the only option if you don’t want this child living with you, is to kick out the man.

Ah you’re the saint type us lesser SMs can’t live up to , won’t try to compete with this. I suppose I’ve no one to compare him to as I only have one SS my Biological d is still young. I guess I feel something intrinsically biological with her - but who knows I’ve done everything and more as a loving step mum!

I’m underselling myself here

On step mum forums in on bio m and SM is common language

Maybe OP should sign over her house and savings to this man and his son and move out.

You’re getting a hard time here, OP.

A few things strike me. What comes across in your posts is that you feel resentment for the situation and guilt that you don’t love your step son. These two things probably feed each other in a bit a vicious cycle and I think you need to release yourself from that cycle.

First, the resentment. You need to change the focus of this. If you feel resentment toward your SS, you need to remind yourself that that feeling is misplaced, you cannot blame the child for seeking out the safest home for himself, in fact that is to be commended. It is not his responsibility to ensure that the adults in his life are happy, he has no reason to behave any differently, he is doing the right thing. If you resent the mother, you need to remind yourself that you have absolutely no influence over her whatsoever and any energy used in wishing she were different or would suddenly step up is wasted. The only person in this situation that you might resent, although you don’t say you do, is your DP and here you could actually insist on a change. You say you pay pay for everything, do all the cleaning etc. If this is the case, no wonder you feel resentment, you’ve just landed it on the wrong targets. Go to your DP and change things there, if he as nice and kind as you say then he should step up.

Secondly, you do not need to love your step son and you do not need to feel guilty for not doing so. When he is under your care, you need to feed him, clothe him, make sure he’s clean and has what he needs, you need to ask about his day, smile at him, give him a level of affection he is comfortable with, show concern if he is ill or upset, but you do not need to and cannot force yourself to feel love towards him. You can do all those things I’ve listed without loving him. I was a teacher for many years and I am fortunate that I always felt quite bonded with my students but I had a mentor who did not, and she explained that she just had to fake it for those students as they all deserve to feel that special connection to their teacher. This is harder for you as he is with you all the time, but it is not impossible and is what your SS deserves. You can release yourself from the guilt of not loving him if you are doing all you can for him otherwise.

She can call her whatever she wants.

It's the risk she took when she got with a man who is a father.

No sympathy from me.

What are the exact resentments? Are you taking on more responsibility than his dad? Under pressure to bring in more money? What can you do to adjust these things?

Is his Mum paying CM?

🙄

I suppose the real thing in all this is that I don’t think anyone is evil or “bad” god do people actually think there’s a world like this? Instead I just think mistakes and miscommunication has happened along the way - making for a hard situation, in all of it I’ve tried to be balanced and ensure SS is well cared for , naturally he’ll know his mum isn’t the mum he would have wished for but I do feel he’s been fed this line .

yes OH is regularly talked to but other than venting , he can’t change anything. He admits it’s hard for me, he wishes that his ex would at least show her son more - she sends messages, cards and takes him on days out (yes she’s basically the role of a a man in this situations), she even said you want ur dad - so fine, go and tells him regularly he’s better off with us