Just want bio mum to step up

[mumsthewordi]

Long story short, SS decided he wanted to live with dad and me when he was 9,l and he is 13 now, it was meant to be temporary - but he’s never been encouraged to go home and BM hasn’t ever asked him! I was high risk pregnancy and focused on DD and they have a lovely relationship, but I’ve never got use to being a SM too, I feel quite blindsided too as the grandparents and OH just constantly tell me why he should be with us , and yes he’s happy but my feeling is no one’s ever encouraged a positive reconciliation- they say well “she doesn’t want him.” However, I don’t think it’s that simple and she also went through a lot during Covid when he made this decision. I have made sure they have contact but it’s not regular.

its hard but perhaps I feel this way as I don’t have a strong maternal bond towards him and for that I feel guilty because he has a mother.

You separate, your ex meets someone new and has 50% custody of your child.
His new woman gets pregnant, rinse and repeat.

I think you’ve had a rough ride on here. You’ve inadvertently walked into a cocklodger situation where it’s now too late to assert boundaries without a (probable) negative impact on a child.

The kid’s dad and mum are the ones that fucked up their kid and aren’t providing for him.

He is home. He lives with his father. If you don't like that you shouldn't have taken up with a man who already had children.

It’s real. I’m being honest and these types of situations exist - I’m trying to make my best of a situation that I haven’t entirely chosen. How is your life so perfect ?

Op if it’s too much you can end the relationship and they can both move out. You are allowed to do this if it no longer suits you. The child is the important person here, they have nothing and no one else and need a parent and a stable life, but that does not need to be you.

Yes I definitely never considered all these things. I was a widow, probably still I grief and rushed towards some semblance of security - he’s a kind man. I can see the benefits of that too :) I’m just trying to work on us , myself and our family. I just wondered if anyone thought it reasonable to try and talk to his mother - I can see no one thinks that.

You all live together. You’re repeatedly mixing up home and house – you own the house. You all live together in the home.

i don’t want to do this, I rather try to work on my feelings of resentment and the relationship with SS. I need to talk to oh and ask he do more too

Agree with this one. It’s clearly not the SS fault - the father is a bit of a freeloader. It’s pretty damn rich that it’s your house, your salary and your domestic work that prop everyone up. The resentment (pretty reasonable) belongs to your partner not the SS. What exactly is stopping him from being a more equitable partner domestically?

Plus you would be nuts to marry him given the circumstances.

What I don’t understand is that if it was a dad who dropped their son off and opted out of parenting, he would be slated.

OP, is she paying any form of maintenance? Does she contribute anything to his costs?

You are resenting a child instead of the useless man who cocklodges in your house and doesn't contribute anything other than money, which you didn't need as you were financially stable.

Why is anyone who thinks you are in the wrong, nasty?

He left when his son was little. He won't leave you because he needs you to raise both his children.

I can see how your situation won’t work for most men or women in many ways. Is it resentment for the financial and non-financial support you are providing? Was this agreed with you or was it “snuck up” on you? Either way you have the right to discuss it now and restate what you want.

Wanting the mother to be more in his life is a great idea - arranging contact opportunities could be an option. Seems like you want the son to move in with mother or be 50/50 - which is it? Is that even an option? What truly are the options? Have you spoken to your partner?

Yes I’d prefer it 50/50

I can hear your frustration OP but you are directing your resentment at the wrong person. It’s your OH who is making life harder for you, leaving you to do everything and pay the bills as well as putting a roof over his head. Why can’t he do more? At the very least he could help out at home, even if he can’t contribute equally. Does he do the childcare while you work? It is hard to see why he is neither available to help you nor earning enough to contribute. Does he have big debts? Or work in a long hours low pay job? I think you are deflecting your resentment onto your SS who is blameless here. You need to talk about this situation before it destroys your family. Your feelings are valid but need addressing.

ok benefit of the doubt here. Do you think it would be in dss best interests to have contact with his mum. Do you think she’s in a better place now than when she left him. Obviously you know the full story we don’t.

Good on you for providing a secure home for SS. It will only be about six years more and he will be out forging a life for himself. He needs direction and support.

Hopefully his mother will show some active love and affection towards him before he is fully grown.
Then he will have his sibling, you, his grandparents and father all batting for him, as well as his mother.

This is your fault.
You shouldn't have got with someone who already has a child who's own mum is a useless twat. Poor child, at least his dad wants him. You sound awful, only thinking about yourself.

What caused dss to want to leave his mum?

You said his dad and gps bad talking his mum /brainwashing him against her - have they stopped this now? I think that is important

Has anyone reached out to the mum? Tried.to get a reconciliation going?

I could see that if she has been up against the bad mouthing and brainwashing, then it must be hard.

Unleß the mothrt is dangerous then.Your dp should start to work to build up.the relationship again imo.

What is it that you want to achieve OP? A better child-mother relationship for your partner's son or more time without your husband's son?

If it's the former, it's too late for that. Your partner should have pushed for more of that before now. But I think you also need to accept that there are some people that aren't cut out for parenthood (ie the child's mother).

I need to talk to oh and ask he do more too

Sounds like a good start. What sort of things would help thr balance?

You struck unlucky with this post. Sometimes people get excellent advice other times they get repeateiattacked over something they didn't even ask...

Some posters also love to punish OPs for one 'decision' the 'you chose' stuff. Strangely the other people involved (especially males) are not held to the same standard. Eg. this father chose to have a child with a mother and it went wrong but he then chose again and had another - why isn't he expected to forever honour his original decision but you are? It's all bonkers!

I think you're right - his father and family should be encouraging a positive relationship with the child's mother - regardless of how limited it may need to be.

You are not his stepmother - you are dad's partner and mother to his half-sibling.

Don't let your partner and his family put labels on you that make their lives easier and yours harder.

Live your life to your own standards, stay true to yourself and do your best - it's all any of us can do.

You are getting a hard time here @mumsthewordi

Posters are jumping on you but I think you are right. Not having a mother in his life properly will be hugely detrimental to his self esteem.

Unless she is abusive, effort should be made to try and facilitate a proper relationship. He doesn't have to live with her but regular contact is important.

COVID was a strange time. It sounds like she's had some struggles. Yes she should step up but taking stand offs against each other isn't in the child's best interests.

Women bend over backwards to ensure crap dads still have relationships with their kids. You read it here all the time. The role of a mother is so important that allowing him to grow up believing she doesn't want him (we don't know the ins and outs of this) isn't good if it can in any way be avoided.

That was your takeaway from the comment? You knew that he had a relationship and a child when you decided to get into a relationship with him. Everything else is irrelevant to that fact. If other aspects of your relationship need work or aren't to your liking, that is for the two of you to sort out, but you should not be taking that resentment out on a child who asked for none of this.

OP please ignore the hard time that you're getting on here from the people who'd moan regardless of what you said and did.

It's right and natural that you'd want SS to have a relationship with his mum. In the same way that the bleaters on here would claim that a man who didn't have a relationship with their son was shameful, it's also shameful that his bio mum is not stepping up for him.

He's lucky that he has you on side - someone who has no reason to take responsibility for him - to care for him and look out for him.

Is there a professional involved anywhere - social worker or similar - who can act as an advocate or go-between in getting a relationship regularly in place between him and his mum? Does she pay anything towards his upkeep? Pocket money even? Might be worth trying to formalise if that's possible.