Just want bio mum to step up

[mumsthewordi]

Long story short, SS decided he wanted to live with dad and me when he was 9,l and he is 13 now, it was meant to be temporary - but he’s never been encouraged to go home and BM hasn’t ever asked him! I was high risk pregnancy and focused on DD and they have a lovely relationship, but I’ve never got use to being a SM too, I feel quite blindsided too as the grandparents and OH just constantly tell me why he should be with us , and yes he’s happy but my feeling is no one’s ever encouraged a positive reconciliation- they say well “she doesn’t want him.” However, I don’t think it’s that simple and she also went through a lot during Covid when he made this decision. I have made sure they have contact but it’s not regular.

its hard but perhaps I feel this way as I don’t have a strong maternal bond towards him and for that I feel guilty because he has a mother.

I think your main problem is your 'partner' and yes, definitely don't marry him. You've a lot to lose if you ended up divorcing.
Even setting aside the fact that he contributes very little materially to your relationship, he does seem very happy to leave you doing most of everything. Time to sit back and look at what is best for you and your child long term? I think you care about your SS too, so would you stay in his life if/when this all comes tumbling down?

Seems like its your partner that needs to step up not the poor child.

Are you sure your problem isnt really the freeloader who is your partner? What does he bring to the relationship if you are doing everything? He needs to step up and provide for his family.

‘This seems a very personal attack about choices’

well yes. Because it’s all of your own disastrous choices you ve made over the past few years that have led you to where you are now.
and now there’s a little boy, who has done absolutely nothing wrong, made no bad choices, stuck in a home with a woman who doesn’t want him. In fact, neither of the women in his life want him. Counsellors in the future will have their work cut out.

Yes, your situation sounds shit. But it’s a situation you made. So yes, there will be judgement here because we all feel sorry for this little boy.

You have two choices..

1. accept the fact that you’re in this mess due to your own decisions, so suck it up , and be a wonderful stepmother to a little boy who needs that
2. ask your dp and his son to move out.

I feel like OP is getting a hard time here. She has said she cares for the SS and she isn't talking about kicking him out or complaining about his behaviour.

OP perhaps rushed into a relationship with her DP and they have a child together. When his child needed a home, he had one with OP her DP and their child. He has a lovely relationship with his sibling. DP and the GP's provide loving parental figures.

OP works and does the bulk of housework and childcare. She recognises that she doesn't love SS in the same way she does her DD and wonders if his relationship with his mother should be encouraged.

We don't know the circumstances or why SS came to live with OP full time and only has sporadic contact with his mum. There may well be valid reasons for contact not to be encouraged further. OP surely knows more than she has said. Is OP's motivation in wondering about this entirely altruistic? Probably not - she has said she would prefer the SS to live with her 50 50.
The key thing here is that the SS needs to feel wanted and secure in his home. If OP is feeling resentful about becoming a default carer for SS then her DP needs to step up and do more. OP and her DP need to have some discussions around the mother's involvement and whether regular or overnight contact would be a positive. If the GP's are involved amd willing then perhaps SS can have regular sleepovers there - with or without his sibling.

It is absolutely ok to not love someone else child like you would your own. As long as you are kind and still care for them.

But its always a given when you get together with someone who has a child that they should always put their childs wellbeing first. If that means living with a particular parent then so be it.

If you cant work with that then you know what you need to do. You would have to ask them both to leave. What you can't do is try to send the child away to a parent that hasnt stepped up or doesnt want him.

Why/how he moved in with you permanently and stopped the contact with his mum? Was there a trigger?
I can imagine grandparents running their mouthes re "she doesn't want him" are not helping, doubt they are censoring themselves when next to him.

Exactly! The hypocrisy in this thread is astonishing. In that Cornwall thread, the absolutely useless mother who had no interest in her child whatever, had to be prioritised, 'because the mother and child bond (non existent in that case) is SO important'.
But in this case? 'Leave the mother alone, there's no reason at all why he should spend any time with her, you're just trying to avoid your SM responsibilities'

What I don’t understand is that if it was a dad who dropped their son off and opted out of parenting, he would be slated

And that, 100%

I'm so sorry you're getting such shitty responses, @mumsthewordi . You don't deserve it.

It’s not the “bio mum” that needs to step up. It’s his dad. Why have you had another baby with a man that doesn’t pay any bills?

Totally agree with this x

You mentioned that the boy's mother had a hard time during Covid. Is she still having trouble? Does she work? Does she reach out at all?

I think it's nice that you want the boy to have a relationship with his mother. The fact that you "D"P and his parents denigrate his mother is horrifying. Frankly, you sound like the only decent person in that group of adults.

Dump this cocklodger, let him take care of his own son.

Why is the OP getting such a hard time when the lad's actual mother doesn't want him at all?
Mumsnet is so screwed up sometimes
OP says she treats him well she just wishes the mother would step up and take an interest in him which is not unreasonable in my book.
It's pretty shocking that a woman can discard her own flesh and blood and then an unrelated woman is just meant to take over and be okay with it

She had him live with her for 3/4 of his life for starters.

Is your partner not his father?

This!

All you can do is be nice and fair with the boy, the father needs to step up in your domestic life, which is probably where your frustration stems from ( the fact you are scivvy to both of them)

Yep, the step-mother always has to be better than the child’s actual parents. Whilst step-fathers never have any expectations on them.

Why? Because she didn’t take her child and disappear so you can have the dad to yourself?

yes, he was a dad first. children must come first.

Then OP should get both to leave.

Bio mother is shit. So what? Punish the child for it??

Exactly! Why should this lad NOT live with his dad?! Why are the mothers always expected to be the main carer?! Patriarchy anyone?!

OP should have realised this may have happened when she got with a man who was a father!

He’s never been encouraged to go home…

Well that’s because he is at home. Inconvenient for you OP, but that’s really it.

Why are the mothers always expected to be the main carer?!

Why is the step-mother expected to be main carer? She is paying the bills and doing all the cooking and cleaning. Unacceptable. She should boot them both out.

He is emotionally stable and loved - I get your wannabe feminist stance but it’s weak and ill informed , you’ve jumped on without reading the thread

OP has said that she does all the cooking and cleaning, owns the house that they live in and pays all the bills.

It doesn't sound as though her partner has stepped up, he has just outsourced his responsibilities to OP. Before he moved in with OP, he was living with his parents who were doing most of the parenting of their grandchild so again he didn't have full responsibility for his child.

One would normally expect the mother to have her child with her at least some of the time so this situation is unusual.

As they aren't married and the house belongs solely to her, OP just could ask her partner and his son to leave. She doesn't actually have to 'suck it up'.