Not to take husband to work everyday and pick him up

[robinsongs]

I have a 5 month old and two young children in early primary school years and mornings are pretty hectic as it is. Dh works a 10 minute drive away 20 minute walk and expects me to drive him there in the morning as I’m on maternity and pick him up when he finishes but he doesn’t have a finish time so he just texts when he’s finished, which is usually when I’m in the middle of cooking dinner or something and expects me to drop everything.
I put my foot down and said no as it’s disrupting 4 people in the morning as it’s 10 minutes each way and that’s 20 minutes cut off my morning and I have a baby to feed and then to get the others to school.

He isn’t one for taking no for an answer and has pushed and pushed and basically insisted telling the children they will be getting up earlier from now on to take daddy and I feel defeated as I have firmly said no and he’s just not accepting it because he’s decided I will.
AIBU or should I take him to work as I’m home all day and he’s working hard or should he respect my no and not push and push. He’s now asleep thinking he’s getting a lift in and picked up and I am awake feeling quite bitter that no matter how many times I made it clear I wouldn’t be taking him, it seems he’s just decided he’s getting his way and I am.
He can’t drive himself to work as there’s no parking nearby.

I didn't say they’d love it. It’s routine though, and you create a new one which incorporates the drop off.
Mornings are always chaos, that’s just life.

So the kids sit in the car for 20+ minutes (or 40+) unnecessarily? That's actually pretty shit if their father prefers that rather than spending an extra 20 minutes walking. I think he'd be a runner up for shit father of the year. So mum gets to look after the kids, and lazy dad inconveniences the whole family

they don't need to love it, true.

Their Dad certainly needs to love walking to work though.

Are you winding us up? 😂

Chaos for the OP, every workday! She's said he spends half an hour in the toilet in the morning so minimal help with the kids, plus, she is doing night feeds and needs to sleep. It may help if she expressed milk so he did the nightfeeds, somehow I don't see that happening

I wouldn’t be taking him or picking him up. Mornings with kids and baby is awful, as is packing them into the car. I’d do him a deal- tomorrow morning I’ll get up and go for a walk, and he can single handledly get them all ready on time with bags packed etc to understand this is what he expects you to do as well as taking him to work.

@Pudmyboy Yeah don’t understand the 30 min toilet break. Hiding - much!

@beetr00 😂 Also true! I already said if it was me, I’d walk (subject to the weather). There’s no doubt he’s being lazy but I suspect this is not a post 3rd child change. I probably just come from and maintain an environment where if someone needs a lift, off we go.

@Tbrh Come on, you’ve seen some of the things m3n say & do on here. Is wanting a lift to work really a contender for shit father of the year? He’d place low by MN standards.

20 minute walk? That's nothing. Maybe take him when it's raining, otherwise it's good for him to walk.

Alternatively, a compromise is drop him and he finds his own way home. I understand sleep is precious when you have a young baby though, so totally understandable if you don't want to.

You can always not inconvenience yourself. He texts for pick up and you're feeding the baby? Go after feeding the baby. Middle of cooking? Finish cooking, then go get him. He waits around, which might make him decide it's easier to walk. Call it a compromise that meets both your needs.

He clearly doesn't understand of appreciate what you do.

Moped or electric bike?

Agree, but that doesn't make it ok! We really need some higher standards

I think you have to think of a solution that meets in the middle. Neither of you are wrong in wanting what you want (him a lift and you having space/time to get kids ready and sleeping in after night feeds).

You both have equally valid points. I think as one poster said, a scooter or an e bike may be ideal.

I don’t think your DH is wrong in wanting a lift. It’s ok that it is inconvenient. I wouldn’t be against it so much it’s a straight out no, there has to be some kind of compromise. I don’t think he is wrong in the kids to get ready for school earlier. I am sure many of us had to do this as kids too to fit in with our parent’s morning schedules.

What a selfish unreasonable bully you are with. Tell him No and stick to it - he is disrespectful and under mining - I'd be fuming - I hope he listens to you.

What a privilege to work a 20 minute walk from your home! I'd quite enjoy that and wouldn't dream of imposing on other people for a ride unless the weather was awful or I had to carry something heavy with me.

He should get a bike. That distance is perfect for a cycle commute.

That half hour is the equivalent of him sitting in bed scrolling his phone. Nobody without a serious medical condition spends 30 minutes pissing or straining with their eyes closed taking a shit. Sorry.

It seems you both feel him being ‘up’, ie on the same floor as you, or at least out of bed and conscious, is as good as actively parenting your 3 kids. How does that work exactly? Does he take two in with him and read them a story from the toilet?

You’re complaining that he won’t take no for an answer. He would not be able to get lifts in if you didn’t give him lifts in! Unless you are fearful of him and agree under duress it is totally on you that you’re agreeing to take him into work. You need to say no and mean it. Or like a child he will continue to moan and whine bc he knows you’ll cave. If he won’t stop and you have the option of parents nearby tell him you’ll take the kids there weekdays to avoid his constant harassment in the mornings. That is ridiculous, especially with a small baby and 2 older kids for you to basically sort out on your own. What does him giving them breakfast actually consist of? Do you get everything out ready for him the night before? 🙄

The daily half hour escape/checking out in the toilet has got to be flattened tho - seriously OP, how piss-taking is that? It’s the busiest time of the day. You need to point this out and he just goes later on his work break, or you threaten to book him a GP appointment asap and follow through. He wouldn’t be doing that at work bc he knows he would never get away with it. He sounds like an utter tosser. Maybe that what he’s getting up to in the toilet 🤢

A 10 minute drive isn’t usually a 20 minute walk. It obviously depends on the area but it usually takes much longer than 20 minutes to walk a distance that can be driven in 10 minutes. (For example, from my house I can walk to the nearest shops in just over 20 minutes, but it’s only a 4 minute drive. My mother’s house is a 10 minute drive away, but it would take well over an hour to walk.)

So, if it genuinely were a 20 minute walk then I would say that you are definitely not being unreasonable. But I suspect it’s actually much further than that.

OP, part of having boundaries is maintaining them when people try to overstep them. If you give in to him ‘going on about it’ then he knows it’s not a firm boundary and he will keep pushing. It is normal and usual for people to do this with boundaries. Enforce your boundary by saying ‘No, we’ve already discussed this and I’m not driving you to work or collecting you’. Otherwise he knows that you will give in if he goes on about it enough. I used to say to my ex ‘already asked and answered’ and when he did stuff like this.

As a PP said what a privilege to work a 20 minute walk away from home!
Does he have a disability that means he can't walk?

He can get an electric bike or scooter. I really can't believe he'd prefer his 5 month baby be disrupted to save him 10- 15 min of walking

I sometimes read threads on here and think my dh must be a saint.
For most of his career he has walked 15 minutes to a train station and then had a long commute to the office. He never asked me to drop him at the train.

@robinsongs is your dh obese, does he have asthma? Why can’t he walk?
Say no and mean it.

I was going to say something like this.

If I worked 20 minutes walk from work I would be absolutely delighted to walk and would skip all the way there and back! Plus it is good exercise.

He sounds a little bullying OP - I would say no lifts unless the weather is very bad and even then only if you are available.

And definitely no to being texted when he is ready to come home so that you have to drop whatever it is you are doing.

Out of interest, is there a bus he could take when it is raining?

He's really selfish, and he's not on your team
You're not a taxi service op

20 minute walk is nothing, that's completely ridiculous. So many people I know walk at least that far just to get to the train station in the morning. My office is 3 miles away and I run, walk or cycle in. How would your lazy twat of a husband get to work if he didn't have you? He'd make his own way in right? He's being selfish and pathetic.

Easier for her DH to incorporate a new routine of walking, cycling or taking the bus isn’t it?

Rather than asking kids, exhausted wife and baby to make their lives harder so his can be slightly easier.

If lifts were a necessity (I.e. he lived further away and there wasn’t any public transport available), then you would have a point. But they’re not…

I absolutely would not be doing this twice a day, every day. Bugger that especially if he expects to be picked up on demand.

decide on a number of days you're willing to do it and make him agree to a set time to be picked up. You can't be waiting around for him to let you know.

The other days he can walk or cycle, it won't kill him.

I wouldn’t even give that. He’s a grown man and can make his own way to work.