Shall I tell her to stick it?

[PrincessLeia21]

Ds attends school locally. A teacher at that school offered him a lift to and from as they live nearby. I offered petrol money at the outset, and her response was was, no, I’m going anyway so it’s fine.
At the end of each term, I’ve sent her a gift to say thank you. Each time, I’ve had to chase up to check she’s received it- no thanks forthcoming.
Recently, she sent me a message saying, I know I said no to petrol mondy initially, but actually, things are getting more expensive now that DS has got his own car and I would like to take you up on it.
hmmmmm. I asked her for bank details and she has sent me DS’s bank. So effectively she has decided that she wants someone to subsidise her DS’s new car and that someone is me. To be clear her DS drives themselves to and from a different school.
Teacher is still driving to and from our school daily.
if she had given me her own bank details, I would’ve just paid it, despite feeling that she should’ve asked me initially- not a year into this. But being given her DS’s bank details has made me really mad. Feels like a shakedown. Coupled with this, I lost my mum recently and my elderly father has been seriously ill. I’ve had to do an awful lot of juggling and rely on the lifts- she knows this, which makes me feel even more like this is taking the piss. AIBU?

OP are you in Australia or another non-UK location? As so many others have pointed out the set up would be a huge no in the UK on many levels.

88% YABU, exit OP.

Your post would flag up as 'mad' even in raving socialist countries like China or Cuba. Of course you should pay.
P.S. What a weirdo this teacher is - to offer to drive a pupil???? She is mad, too.

100% this. ^ It's all very odd! 🤔

Got a feeling the OP won't be back, but as other posters have said @PrincessLeia21 if it grieves you so much that this teacher has had the temerity to ask for money towards petrol after ferrying your child to school and back for the past YEAR (for FREE,) then yeah tell her to 'stick it!' See how that works out for you! 😆

Who the F thinks she is being reasonable?!

I would just pay it if she wants it going into her son’s account so be it. If you gave her the cash you wouldn’t know what she would do with it anyway.

Has this arrangement been cleared with the school? It’s seen by a lot of schools and colleges as a safeguarding concern.

Which country are you in? Teacher's would not do this in the UK. What does your child do before school starts? I assume the teacher starts quite a bit earlier than the kids arrive. It's a strange setup but I don't think she's being unreasonable asking for a bit of money even if she's giving it to her son.

Same as paying you way.

She's bending the rules by giving the lifts - as many PP have said - the payment to her DS is a way to hide this.

Pay up and be grateful for the lift.

You need to pay her and be extremely thankful for her help.

I lost my mum recently and my elderly father has been seriously ill

I think recent events are clouding your judgement here. I hope things get better for you. It's not easy when we lose a parent.

And it’s manners to contribute to your child’s transport to school, otherwise what’s your options?

Exactly - "no I will not pay you for petrol for taking my child to school because I dont like that you want the money to go to your dc account! Fuck you, I'll take my own kid to school" that wont be awkward or anything

Teachers wouldn’t usually be allowed to give lifts to pupils. Has she got the correct insurance for this? I was asked by a pupil for a lift and the school said I couldn’t do it.

Teachers are allowed to give pupils lifts as long as they have parental permission. Let's just get that straight. It's not a school trip so they don't need special insurance either.

If she gives him a lift there and back, I'd send £20 per week. It's better than the alternative, which is no more lifts! Can you afford to do that? If not, think about how much you could pay on a regular basis. Even £40/50 per month is better than nothing. Doesn't really matter where the money goes to. It's probably to cover his petrol.

That's not what we've been told in our safeguarding training. Perhaps we have been urged to be more cautious.
We have been clearly told - emergencies only.

You’re so lucky that she’s offering you this! I wouldn’t bite the hand that feeds me. As a teacher, I love my quiet commute and wouldn’t give a free lift.

Do you say thank you to her every single time she gives your son a lift?

You are being totally unreasonble and ungrateful.

How would your son get to school if he did not get a lift?

What difference does it make if you pay her or her son? It saves her giving her son the money if you do it directly to him as he obviously needs it. You are nto subsidising her son.

I can't belive you are so ungrateful.

You aren’t just being unreasonable. You’ve gone to full on Cheeky Fucker stage.

we live in an isolated and remote place. There are no school buses or public transport and the school run is an hour’s round trip twice a day. The afternoon pickup requires leaving home at 2.30 making it impossible to commit to any big work trips or projects or get to and from my Dad’s house in time. It’s a tricky situation You’ve chosen to raise a family in the middle of nowhere. If you can’t home school and there are no other schools nearby, then you need to either move house or pay for transportation. You’ve had a year free. It’s bloody outrageous that you’re quibbling it for a single second. And the nerve of thinking that you’re subsidising anything! I can only think that this is a combination of grief and stress and this isn’t normal behaviour for you.

I am grateful for the lifts Really? It’s not coming across. the paying it into her son’s bank account has just made me feel uncomfortable Why? It’s nothing to do with you what she does with her money. It would be none of your business if she made confetti out of the money and chucked it out the window as she drove along. It makes perfect sense to me. She’s agreed to help her DS out. You’ve got to pay it into an account. You’ll have a record of all transactions to prove you’ve paid it. So what does it matter if you pay it into his account rather than hers? It saves her a job setting up a DD to his account. She doesn’t have to worry about it, her DS gets the money she’s promised him and it causes you no extra work.

If I were you, I’d be hoping she hasn’t picked up on any of this, because in her shoes, I’d be making an excuse that the head teacher had found out and was putting a stop to it.

Someone is doing you a massive favour and has been for a long time, they decide to take you up on your offer of payment and ask you to make payments in a way which does not hurt you at all, and you want to flounce off? To be honest, it sounds more like you are the one taking the piss. What difference does it make to you? If you paid her in cash she could give it straight to her son, if you paid it into her account she could have an automatic transfer to her son.

You say this makes you "uncomfortable". How much more uncomfortable would you feel having to make different arrangements for your son?

She’s putting herself in a very compromising position doing what she’s doing. It wouldn’t be allowed at any of the schools I worked at.

If you feel uncomfortable paying it into her son’s account, just tell her that and give her cash or transfer into her account.

I’m gobsmacked by this. Shes doing you a huge favour. I can’t believe the timings work cos teachers normally have to be in very early and leave later than pupils but if it’s working and shes accommodating your kid - for free for a year - then you should be kissing her boots not moaning about her!

jesus Wept

I would pay petrol and I think most people would, she doesn't HAVE to do this.

Also not that unusual, when my son first started school a few different teachers, TAS and even the Head once got my son to school as he couldn't attend otherwise, some folks just like to help.

Definitely tell her to stick it…..

Maybe it’s to avoid getting into trouble at work? She’s getting you to pay it to her son so if someone complains, you’re not paying her. She’s doing you a massive favour so id help her out by paying this route