Shall I tell her to stick it?

[PrincessLeia21]

Ds attends school locally. A teacher at that school offered him a lift to and from as they live nearby. I offered petrol money at the outset, and her response was was, no, I’m going anyway so it’s fine.
At the end of each term, I’ve sent her a gift to say thank you. Each time, I’ve had to chase up to check she’s received it- no thanks forthcoming.
Recently, she sent me a message saying, I know I said no to petrol mondy initially, but actually, things are getting more expensive now that DS has got his own car and I would like to take you up on it.
hmmmmm. I asked her for bank details and she has sent me DS’s bank. So effectively she has decided that she wants someone to subsidise her DS’s new car and that someone is me. To be clear her DS drives themselves to and from a different school.
Teacher is still driving to and from our school daily.
if she had given me her own bank details, I would’ve just paid it, despite feeling that she should’ve asked me initially- not a year into this. But being given her DS’s bank details has made me really mad. Feels like a shakedown. Coupled with this, I lost my mum recently and my elderly father has been seriously ill. I’ve had to do an awful lot of juggling and rely on the lifts- she knows this, which makes me feel even more like this is taking the piss. AIBU?

OP YABU. She’s doing you a huge favour, yes she’s going that way but what she is effectively doing is freeing you of ALL school runs. That is insane! She’s said no to fuel in the past but now is presumably having to put fuel in her son’s car too, so her costs have gone up. What difference to you if your contribution goes to her or her son? You still get the benefit of not working out how to get your child to this very rural, no bus route school. How much is she asking for?

So you make life even more difficult for the person doing the favour. Nice.

By the sounds of it OP if you “tell her to stick it” you have absolutely no way of getting your kid to school. Quite how you’ve got yourself in to that mess in the first place is beyond me. But in any case she has been very generous to you thus far and you don’t really have any other option. She’s done you a massive favour and so yes maybe you are contributing to her DS car but she’s dug you out of a massive hole so it’s probably the least you could do.

Too much hassle to give OP's son a lift?

The point is that it hasn't been paid for.
And, whilst there are or might be repercussions, she is being nice rather dodgy.

Yes. If she wants petrol money & OP asks for her account numbers sending her sons who's "just got his own car" & doesn't actually do her the favour is a bit of a joke - how hard is it to forward him on the money herself as his mum ?

You should have insisted on paying in the first place, I car-shared with a colleague for a long time and paid for half the petrol from the start even though they also did the polite thing of pretending it was okay to not. I'm shocked that you didn't read that cue and you're not paying.

Unless this teacher is a next door neighbour they are making the effort to pick up and drop off your child at your own home every day.

A present and then nagging for a thank you is completely inexcusable. You should have been paying properly all along.

Perhaps just let her know your not comfortable paying into her sons account and ask for her bank details.

She can then transfer it herself if required.

Sounds like she's being very generous, but I can also understand why your not comfortable paying it into her sons account.

She's doing you a massive favour and you want to tell her to stick it because she needs a bit of cash to help her son? No good deed goes unpunished does it?! Yes, tell her to stick it and get your own child to school every day, I’m sure all the time out of your day and own car costs will be nothing to you compared to her daring to take you up on your offer of paying your way.

Are you in England? She shouldn't be giving your child lifts. How old are they? Transport should be provided by the LA if you're more than 2/3 miles away and it's the nearest suitable school so I'm not sure what being rural has to do with anything.

Take all the emotion from it - is it cheaper and more convenient for you to give petrol money to her DS, or start driving yourself?

It's not difficult, but that's not the point: she is the one doing the favour and asking for recompense how it suits her.
Saying you'll mess her around with cash in the hope that she will just give up on asking isn't nice.

Unless it is an unreasonable amount I would just pay it . With all the things going on in your life this one isn't really a problem at all .

Your DS has been getting free lifts for a while . As the teacher hasn't thanked you for the gifts , you're annoyed .

Now she'd like payment towards the petrol , is it the case that you wouldn't have minded paying for it into her DS's account , had she acknowledged the gifts ?

I didn’t think teachers could give pupils a lift to school?

Aside from that she is spending 2 hours a day every day in the car with your son? Wow. That’s very kind of her. I would want peace and quiet. What if she needs to work late/ had a meeting? What a bind for her.

Why on earth did you move somewhere where you couldn’t get your son to school? You just sound massively ungrateful..

You should take him yourself. This is your issue.

I’d pay for lifts if asked. Not up to you to set how the money is paid and where/to whom. If you need help be grateful if offered.

teachers giving kids lifts is always a no no so the whole thing looks odd.. it was acceptable in the 1980s but no way would the school policies permit this . one on one - no witnesses - favours- bias- grooming- insurance - it breaches the lot!

Loads of rural schools cope without an army of teachers driving in their nearest favourite kid.

Maybe as a one off - did happen- but I was called and asked to specifically email school to authorise a lift between school sites otherwise it would not happen..

They can’t.

The arrangement is saving you an hour a day and you've not paid for it so far. I think it wouldn't be unreasonable to say you appreciate the lift very much and would prefer to pay the money into her own account. Just blank the information about her son from your mind. It's not relevant. (Unless, as others say, she's not actually allowed to offer lifts to pupils?)

I'm sorry OP but you are being unreasonable. This is one of those situations where somebody doing you a very big favour is now being taken for granted. The fact you are put out that she's not more grateful for her present is quite telling.

I remember one time doing a fairly big favour for someone; a friend of a friend. She had left the city where we had all lived but was coming back for 3 weeks once a quarter as part of her contract. She was paying for a B&B and was really feeling the pinch financially. The area is very expensive. I got her details and said there was a spare room in my house and she was welcome to use it for free. I had checked with my tenants that this was ok with them as I was giong to be in and out of the area a lot that month. So she moved in and it all went fine apparently. I only saw her a few times. After she left one of the regular tenants messaged to say she had left (she had really got on his nerves so he was delighted) and she had left me a bottle of wine.

Now, YES, I should have thanked her but I was rushing and forgot. How awful. I saw her again sometime later and went for a chat fully expecting a thank you for the hundreds of Euro I had saved her. Nope. I got a frosty response, raised eyebrows and a query whether I had received her gift. Yes, I said, then 'thank you. I'm sorry. It totally slipped my mind to contact you' She thawed, a little. 'That's ok' she tells me 'I'll be up again and we can drink it together.'

I never offered her the room again.

This teacher sounds really kind and generous. You should pay the petrol money to her son.

As an aside; I'm so sorry for the recent trauma - I suspect you are feeling this way as a result of what you've gone through.

It’s her issue to solve! You can’t rely on a teacher taking your child to school every day. It’s not actually allowed. OP needs to find another solution. Most people think this through before they move to somewhere remote and rural.

Its up to her if she gives some money to her son so should transfer it herself.

I wonder if the teacher is perhaps aware that she shouldn't be giving the lifts in the first place (I didn't know this, but I assume PP are correct) and so does not want there to be a trace of regular payments from OP to her account.

It does all sound like a poor arrangement on all sides. There are ethical issues (as a minimum) for the teacher, potential tax/insurance issues about driving someone every day if money is changing hands, and OP's apparent dependence on an arrangement that was always going to be subject to the good will of the other party.

Is the school your child’s closest school? If so I’m sure your child is legally entitled to school transport if the school is not in walking distance. E.g a school taxi or bus.

If not and you are choosing to send your child to a school further away and live so remotely then I think the teacher is doing to you huge favour and I wouldn’t have a problem at all in paying her some petrol money - regardless of the bank account she requested me to pay into. If you feel really uncomfortable with it then say “oh I’d feel better paying you directly - please can I have your bank account details”.

You really would be cutting your nose off to spite your face if you tell her to “stick it” as you put it.

Why do you feel so aggrieved by this? Would you feel different if she had thanked you for the present? As an aside I do think it is a little bit rude of her not to say thank you for the gift but it probably just slipped her mind or she said thank you to your child at the time.

What would you do if the teacher didn’t take your child?

Goodness. I can't believe anyone would take the lift then quibble over it.
It's not just petrol cost she's saving you, it's all that time etc

When someone offered to take dd1 to school I'd have paid pretty much whatever they asked within reason because it saved me so much hassle. That was 10 years ago, and I'm still very grateful to her.

Her housebold bills have increased and she wants some petrol money for the lift. Just pay it. Or pay for a taxi or learn to drive and pay for a car, upkeep, tax, insurance, petrol and repairs.