Shall I tell her to stick it?

[PrincessLeia21]

Ds attends school locally. A teacher at that school offered him a lift to and from as they live nearby. I offered petrol money at the outset, and her response was was, no, I’m going anyway so it’s fine.
At the end of each term, I’ve sent her a gift to say thank you. Each time, I’ve had to chase up to check she’s received it- no thanks forthcoming.
Recently, she sent me a message saying, I know I said no to petrol mondy initially, but actually, things are getting more expensive now that DS has got his own car and I would like to take you up on it.
hmmmmm. I asked her for bank details and she has sent me DS’s bank. So effectively she has decided that she wants someone to subsidise her DS’s new car and that someone is me. To be clear her DS drives themselves to and from a different school.
Teacher is still driving to and from our school daily.
if she had given me her own bank details, I would’ve just paid it, despite feeling that she should’ve asked me initially- not a year into this. But being given her DS’s bank details has made me really mad. Feels like a shakedown. Coupled with this, I lost my mum recently and my elderly father has been seriously ill. I’ve had to do an awful lot of juggling and rely on the lifts- she knows this, which makes me feel even more like this is taking the piss. AIBU?

There is absolutely no transport available for your child to get to school? Why have you chosen to live somewhere so impossible? But given that you have, you are now at the mercy of others. You either like it or lump it. I'm amazed the teacher is making herself vulnerable by offering your son a lift, but that aside, she is doing you a huge favour. What would you do without her? You'd have to pay for a taxi presumably or do a juggling act to get him to school. She is perfectly within her rights to ask you for petrol money (as you already know) and she would give that money to her son in any event. I would say it's a bit unusual for her to give her son's account instead of her own, but at the end of the day what difference does it make? I think you're probably frustrated by other factors in your life and your angst has transferred to this.

Just give your son cash to give her every week then - that better for you? Also, you should continue with end of term gift because you're totally screwed without her.

She was pretty clear that the reason she'd appreciate petrol money now is because the costs for her DS getting to school have risen. What did you think the money was going to other than subsidising his driving? In part, she may want the money to go to her DS rather than in to her bank account to try and mitigate the appearance of bribery or just that she's charging you for the ride.

I see why her not acknowledging your gift is annoying. That sort of social lubrication makes it feel like you're on the same page. Her ignoring it leaves you wondering what she really thinks of you and the arrangement. But she is doing you a massive favour, even with petrol money, so I think accepting that she's just not up on that side of normal interaction would be best.

You risk really shooting yourself in the foot if you take umbrage at the lack or thinks or the destination for the petrol money.

Just to say, if you send a "thank you" gift, you don't get a thank you back.

I'm shocked that this is okay with the school!

To be fair, it's not exactly good manners or courteous to tell someone to 'stick it'.

But yeah, why not, tell her to 'stick it' and make your life considerably worse because she has accepted the offer you have repeatedly made. This must be a wind up.

OP clearly isn’t coming back to this thread but can I ask-

why would a teacher give a young lad a lift in a car? It’s inconvenient, it’s timely, it ties her to times to leave , she can’t chill out and just zone out in the drive , and I don’t think it would be recommended - perhaps a safeguarding issue.

Trying to understand why a teacher would do this? Other than being extremely kind but that would be naive of me - it’s 2025 we can’t just give people lifts when we’re in a position of power

Yes you should totally tell her to stick it. I’d love you to come back with how she responds and maybe how you plan to get your child to school when she doesn’t appreciate what you said to her. No flaws in that plan whatsoever 😂

Yes tell her to stick it. You can drive your own child.

It won't be!

I think you’re the CF here, surely can’t you see you’ve been very lucky so far and I’m surprised the teacher is still happy to do this for your son.

This teacher is playing fast and loose with their career.....

Do you give gifts as a thank you, or to get appreciation yourself?
that’s not why you give gifts.

Wow, she is saving you two hours of driving every day. That's an incredible favour. Of course you should be contributing towards the cost. How much has she asked for per month?

It's a bit rude to chase someone each time to demand a thank you for a thank you gift.

Yes, making small talk with a student for an extra two hours a day can't be any teacher's idea of fun.

How much did she ask for?

If it's a reasonable amount... and not a whole year's worth.. I think you could and should, overlook the fact that she wants you to pay it to her son's bank account...

Don't tell her to stick it... you offered to pay, her circumstances have changed... it still stands that she is doing you a favour... if you refuse / decline / tell her to stick it... I think you are not going to come up smelling of roses and she will feel awkward and used.

I mean 2 hours a day every single day?! I can’t imagine it. That’s either 10 hours of small talk with a pupil every week (with zero time to decompress) or of an awkward silence.

I know the OP isn’t coming back but also how does her son feel spending 2 hours every day making small talk with his teacher?

You need to find a new solution!

There's an easy solution: report her to the school.

Yeah i agree ,just tell her to “stick it” and actually get your own child to school every day. You know… like every other parent has to do… how entitled can you actually be???
rural or not you should have thought about how you were going to get said child to the school you chose without relying on anyone else. What’s happens if there’s a problem one or 2 days?

Pot, kettle.

I just want to say I'm completely shocked that any teacher would give a pupil a lift and I'm sure there are rules against such things.

Yep. As pp have said, and I have too - she's breaking the rules.

How old is your kid?

Surely this shouldn’t be allowed due to safeguarding. Teacher has put themselves in a vulnerable position here.

Huge safeguarding issue, I work in a school and under no circumstances should a member of staff give a pupil a 1-1 lift in a car. That's to protect the member of staff as much as the child. I'd be interested to know if the headteacher is happy with this?